Hey welcome back. Again i was faced with another day of agonising glory watching my week go by without studying... SHOCK! what the... wat have i been doing the past week? Its E learning week and the most slack one ever come across and i still can never do my work.. I am hopeless i tell you, hopeless.... oh well. Might as well type the best entry with watever days i have left...


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Alright!, its been a while, since you last saw me... not really ? 2 hours may be eternity you know. Just had a great time jamming with my cousins just now. I mean, my ultimate agenda is just to learn more songs, so i really treid my best ya?


The First song, Here without you, I really wanted to play the song much, but always playing my own interpretation of the song, which is because i never really listened to the song, pity. But it took me ten minutes practice with the tabs and here's the outcome. ENJOY!



btw, my cousin Lester, man he's taller than me now, joker as he is, he's a real cool dancer. i will try and upload his school's vid next time. He can be quitee fluid.

Alright next song that they forced me to play ( which i took the burden gladly ) was Iris, now you may be quite familiar with the Goo Goo doll's version. Kellie chanced upon the Avril Lavigne's rendition but played with the goo goo dolls themselves, now here is Kellie and Ivan (simple strumming) 's version of the song!



Alright. so there you have it. The teos jamming like the neighbours never complained before. Aight, I have decided to do basic engineering in the future, get a day job then excel for stardom. When i reach 30, i think i will do that "Sacred music" and "Divinity" studies in a Bible college.

By then i can afford that fountain i really want to put in the church, and make the Youth Ministry a independent and blooming ministry. so I have 10 years to make it big somehow. no worries. Apparently, I should reach paul gilbert's guitar level in one years time with the effort i need to put in ( way much more than i am doing now )

Anyway, Justin says i cant sing, haha, who am i lying to i guess. I never was proud of my singing skills, my vocals were never good. I think my head kept swelling in the youth ministry when people kept telling me that i sounded nice, good singing, watever... haha... then i was demoralised. my morale for many things shattered. so exaggerated i guess. but guess what. Its my new motivation. after my 2 days phobia of attempting to squeek a note, i know i need vocal training. next year after my ITP , by then i pray i already have my next chairman for YF, I will join choir and find a vocal trainer.

Mean while I plan to start piano in dec/jan. then i can play some organ for VertiCross, they plaing some Coldplay songs. quite cool, but will sound better with some piano. Apparently Bobby, one of the guitarist, says he knows a pianist, who is quite ok... maybe grade 5 around there? asks whether can intro her, at first we said anything, then he started to talk further on about someone posted her pictures in SGgirls.com, i think you should know our answers lah.

HAHA really ar, got a good looking female vocals really will bring you places... anyway, just to let you know, We made it thru the next round of Band Edge, i mean you know why? stupid reason, cos we are the only band with a female vocals. ARGH! what kind of reason is that? next time i bring a dog to sing then they also let us in cos we have a dog as a vocals lah. sian man...

Got really touched by the two messages today, one by rev strauss and steven of Doulos. Strauss managed to drive to me a conviction of serving the youth ministry full time in the future. I really want to see QLC YF flourish, i want to accomplish what Kenny and the rest of the YF hope to see, Where both chinese and English congregation, united, worshipping as a independent worship ministry, in dynamic and proactiveness!

Steven drove across the God divine nature of his calling for others to serve, in one way or the other. I cannot help but tear abit as i let them lead worship, out of pure intent, of service to God.

Then played pool with Feng nan, lost to him 5-3, i played badly, but he managed to get quite a few good shots. HAHA i managed to master the back ball technique... but i still cannot drive the ball straight... argh!

then later went to the arcade with him, cos someone rigged Drummania to allow 4 stages, where a double song still counts as a stage, (meaning you can be stuck there for about 1/2 and hour drumming, good money) then pump a credit along with the already 2 credits pumped by the other players... then the long wait began. We watched 2 guys, professionally blasting dinosaurs in Jurassic Park 2 the shooter, until i think from start until almost 2nd last stage, went over to see noobish girls dancing in Dance Dance Revolution... ( btw i go up to 7 steps and 8 steps for some songs.... but i getting old liao...sobs) then finally went back to see the other drummers finish. Then my turn came. Played a warm up song, level 54 song, quite rapid rolls but simple song, got an A. Then i think got alot of people behind me. ( i feeling preetty good. but remembered that FN has to go back ASAP.) but something made me do something dumb. so many people, i went to chose a level 60 song. ( I mean its no kick lah, i can easily drum a level 70 song,) but i never play before, then i struggle to survive... then i guess i cannot really be bothered to play after seeing my life so bad already, with a shake of my head i allowed myself to lose the round. A 30 minute game turned into 10. but doesnt matter, i mean i waited for my turn so long, watched them play so much till i really dun feel like playing already i guess...

argh, man. I told FN not to talk to me about girls. about relationships. its getting upon my nerves. I know i should not take out my anger upon couples but i just cant help it. Something is biting into me, making "not like" the girls i know who are attached. argh. I want yet i despise what i truely want. its getting bitter. but does not matter, i have God to live on. My guitar and my passions. I guess i dun not need anything else. To me, what i truely want i cannot keep, i cannot treasure, I really am hopeless when it comes to my social life now. I want to stop wearing that mask that everybody wants to see. A smiling and understanding ivan. Sometimes its true, but sometimes its just plain tolerance. I am praying for me to change my ways. Believe me i do not want to be like this. but God help me, my passion is already eating me i guess.

But i guess i am embracing my destiny, i was born in a system of no real freedom in the things i do, why i thought of entering the seminary when i am 30 only is the fact that my family really do not want to see me there. I realise that i have many jealous relatives about my disciplined life, guitar learning, school work, social life, argh.

painful. i lead a spiteful life of tolerance of society and disgust myself with the sinful nature of many people. I am more disgusted at myself. If anything can reflect what is in my heart, you will see, dirtiness, grime that is so black that it can eat light, odours so pungent that will make every atom in your body never wanting to get near me. You will shun me the moment i reveal my heart to you. Its a painful and lonely heart. a heart that yearns. a heart that bleeds.

You know, joycelyn shared about her joys with couples fighting... somehow, i need to walk away from that stage. she's childish, her mindset, are just twisted in someways. then again, it could be a gender thing... man. I can just type on andd on and on... Girls, you be nice to them, they think you up to something, then you dun talk to them, they think we avoiding them. CAN YOU STOP THINKING FOR ONCE! argh, i wish God took them out of our heads so they can have more brains, or think in our shoes for once....

I have nothing against you girls, i really like you, but i guess i am stepping on loose soil when i think about you. I tend to fall to sin easily and my principles, smitten. What am I, somekind of homicidal maniac?

Music , the only thing, like a remedy to a dying soul. diminished by society of today. Lord can I depend on you for the strength i seek? Lord How i wish i can see you, touch you, kiss you, walk beside you, pray beside you, wash your feet. I really want to serve you, yet you ask me to serve your people, why Lord why Lord? You love your people too much, some of them obviously you do not need to bother, but instead you send us to do your will. Lord... deepen my convictions, please.... I really want to serve you, but the flesh is so so so so weak... Do you see beyond the wretchedness that lies beneath? Lord you take upon my sins, so i can be free... Lord, what have i done to deserve this? Lord, what have i done to deserve this life you have given me, I SENT YOU TO THE CROSS. Lord, i sent you to the cross, you took the nails that i should rightfully take. Lord... why?

Why Lord, now i am forever indebted to you... and i see your family your church, in dire need for you. Lord, i can never be a good example. i hurt more than i influence right. My mind is so corrupted that i cannot look into someone in the eyes. I am beyond hope Lord, i so desire that new body that you promised. but like paul, i guess i must deny thyself. then take upon my cross...

Oh Lord deepen my convictions... smite my stubborn heart so that to others i am never worth comparing. So that lord, my pride can be replaced by faith... my heart lord, consume it with that purifying fire that we all sing about. A heart that will stand the test of flames. then you will see, remnants of the former self, sliding away like oil from that divine heart that you will install in me...

Lord, hold my hands... please... i beg you....