Konbanwa! Ivan no bloggo BANZAI no desu! Dozo yoroshiku!

Doumo arigato gozaimasu, welcome back for another episode of the rare christian Ivan no desu! Yahoo!

Wagarimasen, ninhongo nani dai yo? (wats with the jap!) anata wagarimasuka?

Anata ninhonjin nai... hai hai. Singapore' jin desu. shikashi, bouku wa raiku ninhongo desu ne...

kay kay, enough with the jap. on with the real stuff...

Actually, i kinda feel lonely at times, sometimes in school, sometimes in church, esp sometimes at home. I seem to have lost my social skills or something, i dun really like talking to people as much as before. wonder why am i thinking like this...

and not to mentioned, i really got sick of the getting into a relationship idea already... sometimes i grow especially exhausting to face a couple, loving or not...

I am just so tired of answering to anybody... i feel so weak and adequate, i cant stand up for my own judgement, i am always looking for people to pity me, to love me. i get what i want, but yet not what i really need. I do not feel so loved nowadays, i guess everybody around me is too busy to do so. maybe thats why i am keeping myself busy as well. My only joy now is learning, its the only accomplishment i can satisfy myself with now... I should tap into this great brain that God gave me...

My mum, she has her own problems... cant believe how happy the family can be when my grandma is not around... it felt so wrong... everything seems so wrong when everything seems to be getting better... i just see no end to misery...

this is so demoralising. i only know how to make people sad, angry, disturbed... i do not know how to bring a smile to people's faces, except by being a idiot. I hate being a idiot. but i guess its hard to get by by not being a idiot sometimes...

i use to see my cousin's everyday back then... i was so much happier... but now i hardly see them... And now i really worry when people talk to me, its always about business, about their own problems, whatever. there's like no freedom. no liberation from this silence i rather face everyday. All i get a temporal delights that can fade in a sec. i can go out for a movie with a friend, smiling away. go home and face a grandma, who is deem to spoil your day no matter what. or a phone call from a nuisance girl. The only few people that is willing to care now is Don, but i dun wanna rely on him. i dun like it that i have to rely on him every time i am down. cos he never really let me know when he is, cos he got a girlfriend.

thats one antidote for loniness, get a partner.

I used to be like that. Then i think about it, its going to make me more lonely in the future. I hate to be lonely. DAMN IT!!!!!!!

i just cant help it. i just cant help it... how i wished i have a brother or a sister whom i can bully or talk to... or just a friend that i can stick to with till the end...

I dont want to be anything anymore, i dun feel like being a chairman of anything anymore, its more like a burden. its not like i am doing anything significant anyway, the youth might be better off then have a moody lonely chairman...

i pray that i will feel better soon. somehow i keep getting these mood swings easily.

Sayonara , oyasuminasai.

Jesus, aishiteru.