hi guys, you are now victims if my new hobby... writing. I just thought of writing a paragraph from my 'imaginary' books, on random topics. Last night i could not sleep well, i was on the sofa, suppose to be watching news... dozed off around 1am... left the tv on though... i woke around 4am the tv still blasting away, so i flipped back to channel 8, cos my grandma only watches that channel, and only know how to press the power button '-_- and caught the last few minutes of a chinese zombie movie. pretty bad make up but still satisfying for this zombie movie fan.

"Mortified"

Chapter 1: Beginning.

Eerie, I could not grasp the situation.A late night and a empty corridor, that stretches end to end like a elastic band that is ready to snap anytime. The phobia lubricates the gears that drives my adrenaline glands. I took steps, some big one then even bigger ones. Soon i was at a jogging pace, trying not to look at the end, i focused on the etches of the gravel beneath my feet.
Sadly I have this phobia, one that i cannot look at extremely far objects, like long straight roads, train tracks, places that i know i must travel. the thought of the item so far away from me grips me at the throat, strangling me.
Not to mention, with the current crisis that the country is facing. Can you imagine? 5 people, all of different races, different backgrounds, went missing last night? This is Singapore, for crying out loud, shouldn't it be the safest place on earth? It had been the talk of the class the whole day, the campus seems alive with weird rumors of some biological breakthrough that Singapore had accomplish, and the missing cases...
Today the streets seems interestingly quiet. How i wish they were this quiet all the time, i can not stand noise. But why could this be? Could there be a interesting TV show that is going on that i know not of? Or could there be a parade? In this part of Jurong, There are hardly anything going on. Even the army seems to have ceased their activities in the small forest behind. weird.
The void deck, finally some signs of life, some malay kids kicking a small rubber ball around. My spirit heightened a bit as i approached the lift.
reached my floor, i looked down at my feet again. Why does my mom have to buy a unit at the end of the corridor? but this is familiar grounds. i walked in slightly stronger manner.
Suddenly i heard a scream, a small kids one coming from downstairs. A scream that pierced the night. I jumped a bit, and attempt to see whats going downstairs. bad view. A tree stood between the fourteen story corridor and the ground floor. but whatever it was, it had stopped. I prayed that it was just a nasty scare that friends like to give you some time. Assured, i pushed the key and opened the door.
"Mom? I'm home!". No response. Oh well, its not like i expect something. She could be out doing overtime again. i callously flipped the lights on, and sauntered to my room. The small boy or girl, cant tell, scream rang through my head. it gives me the creeps, wonder how he could be now, the scream that bad could mean that the boy is going to suffer some trauma for a while. Poor guy...
I walked to the kitchen to fetch a drink. Winter Melon, one of the remaining two small cartons. another sight that creep me out, from my kitchen window, i could see that the whole neighborhood, which was like two to three blocks, not a single light turned on! A blackout? that spanned all the blocks except mine? I went closer to see the void deck, weird... the lights are on. i could even see a person staggering by.
I need to call my mom to check how is she. I just got this bad feeling that i should be calling her now. I reached into my pocket to retrieve my handphone, drats, the batteries died on me the whole day, how could i forgotten? I brisked to the bedroom and plucked the charger in. As soon as the power turned on, the phone rang.
two calls one from my classmate Justin, and one from my mum. Argh, whats this? I hardly talk to anyone, and this is the first time i am feeling this. I switched the call to my mums. Fuzz thats all i hear, a lot of interference. I could only make out some sounds that sounds like my mum's. "Hello, Mum I cant hear you, too much interference! Call me again somewhere else k!" Its pretty normal to me, Every time she calls me from the office, thats all i hear. I dialed justin's name into the directory and pressed the call button. No network. What the heck. Thats new. I took up the house phone. ah, the clear tone. I dialed his number, only to be returned with the busy message. Thats it, I have enough of the suspense. I jumped onto the sofa and turned on the tv. As soon as the tv turned on, I jumped in shock.

end of chapter 1.

Bwa haha. thats pretty satisfying. I wanna see how would the story turn out in the end. So stay tune to find out more in "Mortified".

Ivan out.

Hey guys, welcome back, thanks fer reading this, if there is anyone reading this. haha...

hey let me ask you one question, do you feel just... weird? I dunno about you, but nowadays, i feel like i have doing things, going about with life, just doing enough to get by... feeling tired, feeling tired of society, do you ever feel... alone? I just cant figure it out, do you ever feel like you just want to talk to somebody, you know, pour out your sorrows and such, but when the time comes? you just dun feel like? Do you know how a puppet feels like? sometimes i feel manipulated, by many things... I dunno... what do you think?

Maybe i have not talked to anyone recently. exams, then attachment, just thinking of it makes me feel tired... worship. its like a drug to me, i need it. Its one of the only form of my expressions to God. its might be the only one. Redundant, meaningless. depressing yes i know, just cant help it. I feel like a cloth, over wringed , so tightly hardly any substance left to sustain.

Bumming, thats what i feel like now. God, Is there no one else, that i may feast my ears upon, to seek inspiration to visit you? I hardly have no reason... except to say grace sometimes... i have outcasted myself from my classmates and the campus crusades... i just dun really wanna hang out with them... no reason too... i somehow dun connect... hard to be a nice guy ya know... constantly wearing a mask... smiling away goofily so you wont ruin another person's day...

Church, thats where i feel compelled to go, yet hope to meet God, to experience him again.... Where has my optimism gone to? here lies a rag doll, decomposing with the remote control... I just had 2 packets of instant noodles. I cant remember when was the last time i deliberately had to cook that waxed long wheat to feed myself. I cant remember when was the last situp i did.

Feel like writing a story... A story where we can all relate to the protaganist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Its another day, that same old day, where you head about you daily chore, up about making ends needs. You look up to the sky , and daze at how the invisible forces tug those cotton candies go. sun's setting, the skies dim in a mushy purple backdrop, ideal for a date.
However here am I, flipping through a thick book worthy to be a chopping board. scouring through remnents of what seems to be endless thick pages, where information, Overflows.
As the more oustanding clouds disappear from sight, A quick reminisce of folly rubs salt in my battered wounds. Tsk, Looks like i have to face the demons with my pen again. One question,already my biological attention span gave the halfway mark. Lack of discipline drives the sluggish brain.
The classical guitar glistens with mischief in the corner, with a sigh, I dump my papers and proceeded towards the instrument. Should i play for ten minutes or so? If so what songs shall i play? Routine check tuning and simple plucks to warm up.
What seems like only a songs, stole 20 minutes away. Drats. There goes another chance to use time wisely...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

right... gotta go back to reality now. talk to you guys soon.

dated 15/1/07

Search
-----------------

You have left a empty void
curved a unsatisfiable desire
I yearn for the slightest of your touch
dreaming of experiencing unexpected meetings

false hopes of fate leaves me despair
naive imagination inflates the emptiness of space
my search for the unseen glory
leaves contempt and misery of foolish pleasures

thickens fogs that clogs reality
i "virtually" observed myself at the cornerstone
silent eclipses haunts in flashes
for time is often stolen from thine grip

Rebuking all logical hypothesis of this dimension
stubbornness drives a deluded frantic find
if doubt were man's greatest misery
it shall be the thorn that motivates me

Empower my feet and eyes, O' Lord
just for another day of normalities
for what can be a step towards you
could pervade my desires to meet you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chameleon

dated 16/1/07

Turbulent surfaces instincts beneath
surges true nature forth
a time of change, metamorphosis has come
I am the Chameleon

constant anticipated switch flicks
haste to neurological responses
thy cranium matter breaming within
I am the Chameleon

the Lord blesses a mind of illogical possibilities
of Bombast, Spontaneous reactions to situations
which adds to the value of the very life i live
I am the Chameleon

To the Lord of creativity, I worship thee
for thine inspirations could only descend from above
Glorify thy name, O nameless one
Flood again the earth with your Splendor

See how the wind blow and trees sway
See how you give life as we decay
Oh Great one, our knees are bended for you
It is thy honor to be able to serve you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dated 17/1/07

Once again the flesh starves for a compassionate touch of love
Is it something so sacred? That one have to sell more than what is worth?
If there shall be the consequence,
I will Gladly forfeit
Alas' the great fortunes of soloman
cannot compare to the price that love quotes
For love has no price, Its free for all.
Yet its priceless, ironically...
The longing for joined hands, clasped tightly, with the opposite
forces is consuming me
If only I can focus away my pains, my frustrations.
All other bodily pleasures still cannot piece the gap that pulls my heart together
I do not deny.
On every girl have my eyes laid upon
every feminine eyes whose glance i steal
incubates a perverse sense of hope,
that the Mighty Lord will bestow to me the one
The one who i hope to defy the laws of maths
where a feeling of understanding in logic is ubsurd
to whom my heart will be free and unaccounted for.
This yearning has sapped strength, time, female friends,
my grades, family, financially, and ways that i never foresee would affect
I quietly and in solitude, suffer

( Written slightly later )

The emptiness, the void, whatever name you give it.
Where has the happiness that once filled this hardened heart,
Left? Gone?
I sit in tight debate, my emotions takes over,
in control, lost all motivation for anything else.
Instinct says i have companionship, I really beg to defer.
the notes , sprawled messily on the desk, staying stagnant of
ink scratches that i remember no more,
My will to complete my diploma depleted.
My wants override, and writing is the only thing that calms me,
Is it the lack of society? a listening ear, probably...
But Should I all these words to be seen?
Seems like the tradings of sympathy should anyone respond.
Strange this emptiness. Could it be physical?
The neurons react inversely. This emptiness...
Its so familiar.
Could it be another burnt out?
AGAIN!?
And here I thought i am enjoying the ministry in which I
passionately feed my strength, blood and time in.
Could it be that my relationship with God is not right?
Suddenly, I've felt my heart beating, a more familiar, homely beat.
Its the rhythm of the Lord's calling.
"Come, all who are weary, and I shall give you rest."
thank you Jesus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Ivan out.

Well hello there... yeah you, ar you, sitting on your chair watching the screen. Scratching dunno where, listening to your favourite tunes on itunes... Yup, come closer to the screen, and watch as i bring you to a whole new dimension.

You are in a room, its squarish in nature, with walls thats bright white, and luminous from the flow of light from the round, turqoise ceiling lamp. On one wall you see a huge leaning mattress, don with a simple garment of checkered blue and spotted white. Then there are the over-sized cabinets, whom contents are shared within the inhabitants of the premise. followed are 2 humble, simply joined wooden shelves, which frailty is evident at the slightest force applied to it. On it holds many many words, that can cause insanity if dealt with immediately. Finally there is the table, black and comparatively small, in reference to other objects described before. yet it carries the burden in which holds the box that allow this blog to be written.

Got it yet? ITS my Room!

~~~~~~~~~Blogogogogo!~~~~~~~~~~~

Alright alright, i am being crappy again. but hey? you did read it all (i hope). Let the mysterious gift bring you some of the crappiest moments of the rare christian ivan's life.

Exams...

Right its the time of the year again. I am having withdrawal symptoms after having a great holiday. I have a great un changeable urge to, NOt Study. right, its the pressure, too much makes me worry and i just dun wanna study. You got that right. Whats the chairman of youth, and worship coordinator, a respectable and charming guy like him slacking away? Yup, he is going to deny all threats, or encouragement. he is going to...

ooops ok, times up. wanted to keep you guys in the pessimistic mood for fun! Just messing around. You ar, i told you i really cannot write a long entry right? I will once i have time k?

Bwahahahaha

I.V.A.N
.O.U.T.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI

once again welcome back to another episode in the rare Christian ivan's life! today he was requested by someone to blog about his past relationships... hmmm i hope this person can be satisfied...

~~~~~~~~BLOG GO GO GO~~~~~~~~~

Wont be talking about all the relationships i had been through... ( I only had 3 serious relationships so far... I am NOt a playboy K! ) ( at least not yet... haha just joking). and just highlight some of the funny events that happened in one of them.

I will not mention names here, so pls if you know pls keep it to yourself and if you wanna know, sry cant tell. ok!? lets go!

I remember during the day XX of Month XX of year XXXX, i was at my uncle's place. She was there and i guess i was interested in her. It was my first major crushes... ( actually... i get infatuated rather easy )and i wanted to do something to catch her attention. I went to the Super Soaker. Those big ones, yeah the BIG ONES! BWA HA. filled it with soap, shampoo and every foam producing agent and mixed water. Then i chose my victim, my young cousin Lester and blasted him all over the house. haha. i can still remember that day clearly... my hands itching for a SUPER SOAKER NOW...

Then theres that night... i was in bed... smsing her. thats how we got together, through sms.... the irony is that we broke up through sms as well.... oh well. :)

Ivan out
~~~~~~~~SINGING OUTOTOTOTOTOTOTOTTO~~~~~~~~~~~

My friends, i was struck by an article , talking about "the worship wars". I have think i have found the answer to having a contemporary worship and yet keep our cherished lithurgy! I am so excited.

I am too excited that i just had to post this entry. I know, I know, its just that i got the sudden passion, enthusiasm cos of the dramatic change in the YF worship leading and that i am the new worship coordinator. But i firmly believe that God desires a dynamic and passionate Youth Ministry.

I aim for a Bigger congregation, a pure Lutheran Youth, where we can be proudly call ourselves lutheran, and learn the doctrines led by luteran ministers. I also aim for a hyped and dynamic youth worship team, where we can play and lead all styles of worship, both contemporary and conservative.

In my ideal worship team, there shall be no prima donnas, no stars. Everyone is seen equal. And everyone is equivilently accountable to each other and the success of the worship.

Indeed True worship is walking right daily with the Lord. Thats why i will require a team thats walking right with the Lord. Or a team that desires to walk with the Lord. Then can we assure that God will bless the ministry.

Please do not misunderstand if i ask you to wait until the next intake. I have a huge weakness and that is i fear opposition. I hate to say No to anyone. I foolishly took in a huge number of musicians, ranging from experienced to completely new.

I will look through the worship team structure again. I am currently working on a handbook that the youth worship leaders can use in time to come. I know i have no training what so ever, but i have one thing that i feel many people lack, and thats passion.

I know , you guys dun wanna read this, i found my blog a great way to remind myself of the things i need to do. I encourage all to blog, not because you want others to read but that when you read back all your past entries, you can see how much you have progress or decline in your life. You will be amazed how much you went through.

I really fear one thing now... I have no more desire to continue the studies that i am in... I really cant take studying mathematical formulaes day and night, calculating everything... I have this sudden urge to quit school and join a seminary and take up full time ministry...

But believe me, thats what i truely want to do now... But i know its illogical. But then again, Faith always contradict logic... But then again, i dun wanna be a stumbling block to my family and even you Yfers. I shall try my best to struggle within my remaining Poly year to complete my diploma and get out of here.

I will then plan to pursue my studies in a language. I should have went to JC, and take up arts... thats still my passion. Something that i inherited from my mum, a burning desire for understanding.

But i guess i will try to take up a part time degree in a arts course... i know , i know... some of you will say no future... to me if i can get 2-3k a month, i am rather happy liao. and i see that any job that you excel in you should get around that amount... Ar, again you ask. In singapore, job security is severly hap- hazard, its alternating all the time. So i suppose that i fall back on someone again. I have to live by Faith.

I fear my family objections, but the gospel writes that unless we hate our family, we cannot follow him. Its not that i hate my family, i love them alot, esp my cousins, and esp. my Mum. but if they are going to obstruct me from following my desires to serve the Living Lord, i guess i have no choice but to leave them.

They hate me, i dunno. My future is uncertain. But i walk in blind faith, I believe solely that my life is meant for something greater, a greater reason to leave than to excel in life, more than a reason to have a loving and prosperous family, and its to serve God. I believe that i have one father, and thats God. I never had a father my whole life, i never saw him once in my life. To me my physical father is long dead. But then there's God. To me this invisible Father who lives in everything and through the words of a book, the bible, is the only respectable person.

I will follow him til the end.

Argh okok, i know my entry today a little dramatic. I just putting down my thoughts only, pls dun get so emotional when you read this entry.

~~~~signing out~~~~~~~~~

Ok... seems like my die hard fans are dying hard that i blog ASAP. How can i disappoint you lovely readers? (cough... swallow puke)

~~~~~~~WAHHAHA BLOGOGOGOGO!!!~~~~~~~~~~

Alright, seems that you may want to know wats going on? Why is this Ivan so different now? Why suddenly he attract so much attention? K.P.O news gets the latest.

(long queue to somewhere)
Reporter: Excuse me, what are you queueing for?
Girl: Dun you know, its the great know him festival, and we are here to know Ivan, the latest craze in town... and he is trying to break world record for shaking the most number of hands!
Reporter: Hmmmm, ok wats so great about him? Wat makes him so special? Wat about him that makes him so unique that everyone here is dying to meet him? WHY I ASK YOU WHY!!!!!!!!!
Girl: hmmm, i dunno... i think its because its just him?

K.P.O. news bringing you the latest news, after the commercials, The rat who sang like Frank Sinatra....

Hmmm, ok not trying to be ego, just thought it might be a little juicy for you. Who doesn't like juicy news? hahaha

School started today, I know i know, I made everyone think that school is not that bad, but its really not that bad, I mean, you get to meet your classmates again. and thats all. does not mean you will enjoy their company or anything.

Suddenly i am a outcast in the group... I just dunno wat to say when i was with them for lunch. I just read my mum's christmas present for me, pocket music theory, while they were talking. Maybe because i was not interested in making unwholesome conversation?

Wow, YF... I mean Wow. God is so good. How great is our God. Give thanks! I was going through my past posts and saw how much of my desires of being a worship leader being in progress. Wow. Haha if i really keep this up, i should be playing for hillsongs or City Harvest Church in no time! wahahaha. Passion overwhelming.

It seems that my reader base is expanding. I mean, i dun want a international fan base, just you trusted brothers and sisters in christ can liao. Thanks for reading this blog, its encouraging for me.

I am currently studying Hillsongs songs and some basic music theory, to improve YF's worship. As worship coordinator i hope to bring the best of worship to God and to the congregation. I strongly believe in effective worship. Yes i know, now its just loud music, but give me just one month. I will finalise the worship structure, something i know the church will use for a very long time.

I enjoy the fact that i am pioneering something that the youth can benefit from. I believe strongly that the lutheran doctrines, contemporary praise and our church lithurgy can ensure a satisfying worship and strong input of God's word.

So ya, Musicians please give your best. I plan to develope this area first then try to improve other aspects. Its time for the church to move on, break through the stigma of remaining in conservative mindset. We all fear change. No doubt that i have struggles bringing new ideas to the leaders but pastor and auntie seok hoon is giving me support.

Ole' team Alpha and team Omega. God is faithful , to his word. Indeed when we prayed for musicians, he provided. I prayed to take on this ministry, partly out of passion, partly because i believe the youths deserve the best. And i know that this passion is seriously contagious. Argh, i am getting excited again...

Many rising musicians in the youth, i think God is really supporting my prayers? Maybe its really his will that i go full time, to be a worship coordinator for church? And nowadays, many pple dun think badly of my decisions... God are you really calling me for full time?

And now i have a good problem. I have too many musicians. And too little opportunity for them to serve. meaning they will only serve like at most once a month, or maybe once every 2 months. but i see in every musicians eyes, a burning desire to play. Thanks be to God for starting a fire that I know i cannot tame. It shows his magnificance and Glory.

I will be going through the musicians again, hopefully to work out a plan that is not too hard to follow, and yet can solve the current situation.

OKOK. haha, going to get late for school ... i gotta leave now.

~~~~~~~~Signing OUTOTOTOTOTOTO!!!!!!!~~~~~~

oh yeah


FUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~~~~

Ivan out!~~~