Yesterday in church was kinda a slow moving day. The weather was too nice to do something crazy and the sluggishness from the CE race is still lingering. Reached late again, and the service was the usual. Pastor's message was on about preaching to the lost. he struck a chord when he shared about sharing to his mum back when he was younger, and that the mum at first abhor the testimonies he shared, but was later afraid to accept because she wants to be with the father after her death.

Which makes me think abit. Life after death? Many people i know disregard their lives, heck i am one of them. Sometimes i say things like, its better to die too. But then who are we to say such things? I fail to see that God is in control... no matter what? Don once said that everybody feels like their own problems seems bigger than others problem, I agree. I mean We are the ones going through it and suffering it. I mean who would really understand what I am going through.

Life seems so sad all the time, I watch the news, sad, I see my family, sad. Its so easy to ignore the grace of God that keeps us alive to laugh and play. Jemie told me that life is good, if you want it to be good, I agree, but thats closing your eyes. Ignorance is bliss but yields curses (i have to add in those words) therefore i conclude that do not be ignorant! watch the news, talk to people and pray about it!

I know that i tend to avoid people sometimes, especially those i know with problems, but i know that i am no different from them. Cant we all see that we are all sinners in small or big ways? no one is more "Holier" than the other, we are all one body in christ! Why cant we share and help out with watever little we have? just taking time to listen have more effect than a misguided counseling session i find, I have lots of problems you see and often unload them to the people around me. Believe me i feel very good, and would always want to return the favor.

No one can honestly say that they do not need friends or people. We need them as much as how we need air to breathe. God created society and allow people to communicate in intelligent ways for us to be one big happy family. darn, i cant help being negative sometimes?

I almost wanted to change my principles yesterday, the philosophy of DUN CARE. just dun care what people think, do or say. Just dun care! Then we got no problems in life. things would seem better, the quarrels will seem like something from your neighbors house, earthquakes will happen only on Mars instead. Just dun care.

But I cant help but care. As much as my grandma screams negative and vulgar comments on my mum, i listened every word. And believe me, its not that i want to hear those words, but i just cant help it. Jemie said i am too nice, I listen to everybodies problems, i mean the real problem is not that i care too much, but its that everyone else does not! Dun we see people with problems coming to church? there are so many kind of problems people bring to church eg.

- loniness
- addiction to a certain sin
- hanging out with wrong company
- false beliefs and bad principles of life
- BGR problems
- family problems
- ego and pride issues
- rejection from society
- etc etc

And I am so disappointed that we cannot really help in anyway! I mean the youths coming to church only get more depressed sometimes. The only ones that really stay are because they grew up there and coming to church is part of their life. I mean is GOD in the picture?

Sad to say i am viewing myself more like a fake christian. A true disciple of christ has discipline, thus the word disciple, and sad to say i lack it. I am as lazy as can get. I wish that i do not have to involve myself in anything that would deprive me of lazing around and doing things i wanna do. I just cant be bothered.

But then again, my life is short. I am 20 now, and have not done anything significant in my life. I was talking to the other youths and realised that i have the worst results in poly after norman... I mean everyone qualifies for uni, but me? sigh...

Loss of direction, and deprived of a stable family. Single mums have it tough. they are the unsung heroes that have to work to bring up the family and raise their children as well. I know many single child from broken families, they somehow share the same pain i have. And not to mention, its a disease that hinders us from becoming better people.

For me? not knowing my father is a issue, btw i was born fatherless, and i am not asking my mum because she would tell me when she wants to. It affects me sometimes, cause i look up to great men in history and the world today and i am sad when i see families with fathers who work hard and care about their children. Families that stay together and have godly disciplines bring up good children basically, their academic and life progress are tend to until they start work and have their own lives.

Single childs have to work out their lives earlier and have no choice but to be independent in some way. the family is in their hands and they have no choice but choose a stable career and life.

But i want to be different. I hate to admit that i fall in the same trap as many other single child where life suck. but i have many friends and family members that care. Its just that God have blessed me with a bad start in life so that one day i will become someone, maybe not to the world but at least for my mum.

Lord I pray that the youths of the world today learn to treasure their families and spread the warmth of your love to other youths around as well. Everyone needs to be loved, and i know that we can feel more of your love when we gather in trust, love and in your warmth of your embrace. Amen.