Argh, the strain in the brain, Ivan is here again, so lets gets straight to business. ( workers take leave to read my entries...)

~~~~~~~~~~ BLOG TIIIIIIIIIIIMME-MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!~~~~~

Haiz, I am such an idiot. I realised that after my blog kinda offended a few girls... i shall not name who. Argh, forgive me k? From now on i try to leave people related to me out of the picture. I know my mistake already k? Ha, but best you do not stay cooped up in that little world of yours... we all need friends. But i went too far i guess, we need our privacy. So if i offended you in any way possible, sorry k? ( I rather take a head butt of zidane now...)

OK! I shall not include girls into my entries from now. I respect your decision to the heart. SOOM PAH! haha. wah... starting to regret taking engineering as my course of studies liao... maths everyday man... no one else in church or my friends are taking the kind of course of study i am taking? Am i smart or dumb? not sure already... argh the strain in the head. Decided to do this entry even though i have a C# programming test after this.

Guys, lets be frank with ourselves. Are we doing the things we really want? I reflect and reflect and actually the real reason i entered this course is because i thought its rather prestigious and high class. You can imagine things like this when you are in my course...

A: " Wow long time no see now, what are you studying?"
Me: "Aeronautical engineering"
A: (If the person is smart enough) "Wow... thats tough! you must be really smart!"
Me: "Not really... I am one of the lousiest in the class..."
A: "Ok... whats your GPA ( Grade point average )?"
Me: "er... only around 2.8..."
A: "wah seh, so smart ar..."

And it can go on and on and on ( on to the power of a million) About how good i am or something like that... then they all think i am some kind of superman then dun care how i feel.

I honestly find it very tiring to do the task people entrust into my hands. I like the authority, but the power comes with a price. I need to be mature, EVERY WHERE I GO! i need to show the level of respect for my superiors and stuff like that... I dun really like the Hierachy system.

What happened to speaking in love to one another? I find my brothers telling me things that put me down. You think i think slow to shoot back at you because i am slow to respond? More like you all practice shooting so much that your mouths naturally feed your ego. I despise you people. However through the love of Christ, I learn to love you people as well.

I apologise to people who offend me or been offended by me in any way.Guys, Sorry if my mouth have been rough or thinking of making myself look good, saving my pride. Girls, sorry for my insensivity. I know i am a boring and lousy guy to talk to. From now on, expect lesser nonsense to come from my finger tips and mouth. And i will put more focus into my studies, quit my extra module and focus in my ministry work.

On top of that, I want to learn how to put girls out of my life. I am rather tired of playing catching with you girls out there. It strains me emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually and others ways.

I really want to get a girl friend, believe me i do. However i am not made for the chase of the girls i truely desire. I desire girls who are good looking, modest, and just care for me no matter what i say or do... However, i realised that i have been treating everything like one big joke...

My studies are going down the drain... i feel spiritually dry... i feel extremely lonely... i grow bored in the people i meet, the things i do... I am just tired of everything... tired of not being myself... I want to feel welcome... but i feel like people rather i welcome others than i feel at home. They expect me to act as a mature adult, but honestly i do not want to. in 2 years time, i will entering NS... please let me have a sense of freedom before i start working in the secular world... I do not want to have a deprived teenage life...

I know i sound immature, hey i dun blame you man. Try being somebody you are not for the next 2 years, let me know how you feel. Right now, all i really want to accomplish is to straighten out my life, create more breathing space and recreation time for myself, and enhance my skills or areas that i should touch on.

so please my friends, sometimes when you truely want to see the beauty of something, sometimes its best to see it truely free.

Ivan out