Hey guys! i will be updating my blog much lesser than usual... ( aw... ) hahaha.erm, partly due to the exams? haha, i wish that i was more hardworking... However i will be adding many videos i took with my trusty Sony Ericsson K700i. Note that the quality isnt that great, but i love taking videos. When i get back my old sony camera, i will be taking more proper videos. Haha, looks like i am going more media based than word based liao. Better for you to share my experience than let you read more nonsense all the time. FUUUUUUUUU!
but before i leave there's more urgent things to attend to and thats...
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ERHZ! sup guys! the past few days i realized one thing, its expensive to go for all the activities you wanna go... haha, think about all the food you need to eat! I just went to the fireworks festival yesterday ( not bad New Celedonia, however a tree was obstructing my view... ) and i had to eat something... and i spend a total of $15 bucks total on food for the whole day. Partly is due to the fact that i and my friend chiong pizza hut and KFC for lunch... (first time i cried while eating KFC, Because i was that close to exploding...) haha, guys watch what you eat k? You are truely wat you eat.
I truely see the danger of burning out, and staying away from the people who gave you the burnt out... There's a high tendency that you might backslide, cause you are enjoying what you might call freedom. Its feel so good to do what you wanna do, unlike doing stuff that you might feel obligated to do... So why burn yourself out? Let me tell you from my experience why i got burnt out.
There's the dead line. You enjoy what you are doing until you recieved the deadline. Thats when everythings dead. I enjoy doing doing things however, time limit restraints the joy of serving. However, i know that this is my mistake, i do not have discipline and time management. Guys, what we do know is being programmed into the future us, the attitude we have for our jobs and stuff like that. We might suffer a repercussion.. it might intensify... lets do our best to discipline ourselves. Just like paul said that he beat his body to listen to him, He has total power over his body! Sloth is indeed a deadly sin, so lets buck up k?
Another factor is failure to accomplish what you hope to accomplish. The session i had with you all, i was already in burnt out mode. however, i used whats remaining of my spiritual discipline to bring forward my message. However, it was not wat i hope it turned out to be. I did not let God take control of the picture, I was a games show host more than a preacher... I was inadequete. Thats because i did not think about something about myself... my limits! I thought i can do everything. I thought i can really do everything through him who gives me strength! How naive i truely was... If i can do everything then wouldn't i be better in everything i do? I can everything? I expected too much of myself. And now i find myself running away from the source of failure, my motivation. I brainwashed myself into thinking i was some kind of Superman... haha, superman on kryptonite more like...
Right now you all may be wondering why i may be fading a little in the YF... i do not want to be noticed... I hope to lead the quiet life once more, more time for myself,so i can grow on my own. Its not that i do not want fellowship, but i want just more space for myself... i just feel like i want to be alone for the while K? so pls dun be so worried when you read this, i truely understand the situation i am in. I am doing something about this.
Haha... during this time, i will exploring the world of music for the while. i truely want to see the world. I want to. So you keep updated with my life through my videos, i will upload the crucial moments in my life k? I promise!
And oh yeah... I may want to stay single for quite a while... i realised that i still cannot control certain parts of my emotions and desires... haha you know what i mean lah... plus God have not really shown me who i should approach... The loniness is gripping me at time, but hey, his grace is sufficient for me. There are times when i break down in repentance, crying my heart out like a baby in front of the Lord, crying for hope, crying for someone to embrace me. I come to church to worship the Lord with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. But I can truely worship him, just me and my trusty guitar, strumming tunes like amazing grace, or the songs i wrote... The tears that flow, express enough how much i truely yearn to see the Lord, How much i do not want to live in this world where i must go through all the emotional and physical strains...
sure i may sound depressed, but hey, The joy of the Lord is my strength. I know that the Lord expects my return, like the prodigal son, on top of that, i realised that i am pretty bold when it comes to battling with the spiritual realm, i want more exposure. I truely want to see casting out of demons, evil spirits, hauntings... Dunno why... But i sense the sovereignity of the Lord more in times of Darkness rather than in comfort zone. I want to be like Peter who stepped out of the boat to approach Jesus at sea. There's more to this, I know! I cannot stay enclosed in this secular world, where everyday life is just about sustaining and upgrading your diminishing physical life. I need to explore the world!
Ah hah, but what is my priority? Sure its study, family, church, my band, silkroadonline account... but my greatest want is to explore everything the Lord has created! The beauty! the horrors! oh i am so excited at the thought of going to see the world! argh! so excited it hurts...
But now all these are just dreams... reality is that i got to work for everything... I cannot fail my mother in studies now... I want to excel in my guitar so i can bless the youth... I want to master the guitar first then come and help the youth!
With me and my guitar, I am going to sign out now! CYA!
~~~~~IVAN OUT TO TO TO!~~~~~~