Just got back from last night's CE amazing race, a overnight race in orchard road that lasted from 11pm to 6am. Although I was just a station master, I am pretty bushed. But it was all worth it. I am sure the youths enjoyed themselves and learnt a few things. well i learned a few things too.

Feng Nan was 2IC, or HQ. He taught us how to use the walkie talkies or "comset" or watever he calls it, and actually i am not sure to be amused when he keep trying to make things complicated by using military style radio communication. Maybe he thinks its cool? I dunno. But I guess it was kinda necessary. During the whole race, other people intercepted our channels and tried to play a fool with us. In the end i think i still communicated better on the HP :p

Don did well for this one. Although i am not used to his perfectionism, i guess its necessary for a successful event. I mean i found it weird that he needed like 2-3 reky and he did put in effort to make everyone's files and info. Kudos to you bro, guess i need to learn something from you.

Josiah did something weird in macs this morning, he claimed that he wanted to test whether the sms board on the tv was working... so he sent a message that says something like " Elena's bdae was yest, she's A prettiest squash princess" or something like that... I found it really weird. Somehow i can guess that he likes attention from elena and even steffi? oh well, he is a nice guy that does not chooses his friends, he can talk to anybody. I am actually glad that he is taking over the youth. I am very sure under his care, God would bless the ministry.

Sorry but the hangover from not sleeping well is causing me to emo abit. Actually more frustrated than emotional... I was thinking , why am i always caught between 2 camps? My mum and grandma had a fight over spiritual matters again. I have to agree with my grandma that my mum said things without consideration and without thinking really, but i had to disagree to her childishness in handling everything. And now they dun talk to each other even though they see each other all the time. This is dumb... But i know this will be over in about 2-3 weeks. but ultimately the best choice is to move out, away from my grandma. Its not about the responsibility to take care of her or anything, she can take care of herself, believe me. But staying with her is draining to me in all ways.

How I am caught between? Both of em are old and need someone to help. So today even though i am so dead tired, i have to switch attention to my mum and grandma. And if they got anything to tell each other, i will be the middleman. I mean come on! this really is childish...

come to think about it, i see this almost everywhere i go. Even during my 3 months industrial training program, 2 or 3 of my supervisors fought because of me. Its not that i am so good that they all want me, but they were using me to show each other boss. I feel a little used now i think about it...

Then there are times with friends too, have to decide which group of friends are more important... there is my sec school friends, poly friends, church friends, and the girl i am seeing now to balance... I think in the sense having too many close friends is not such a good thing. I feel like i am losing all of them the more i try to balance...

then there was church. Peng Soon was my advisor and spiritual father, really. He watched over me and fed me spiritually.( talking of which i got to meet him soon, i did promise to see him this break :) ) then came the incident when he was accused of molesting kids... then aunty julia came along, found it weird how she supported the investigations on peng soon and snap up the position of youth counselor the moment peng soon got kicked out... But dun get me wrong i am not saying that i accuse her of felony, I love them both, but i am very sad that they could not work together. I learnt from Julia that she was the youth counselor until PS came along, but clash of working style and presto, the rest you can figure out.

I feel somehow empty. not because of lost of direction, but i feel that there is indeed no such thing as love. And love like agape love is really a rare thing nowadays. Where is the love? yesterday i saw the youth treasure their pride and ego more than loving the BB boys... I am really sad really.

going to the youths is a sad reality of what the world is turning into. A world without hope and people just caring for themselves, and they are happy compared to people who actually cared to care. No one cares about each other. they dun ask personal questions but crack stupid jokes, people who care are seen as intruders, and the youths rather follow the vocal ones.

yes i am rather vocal myself, I feel like i have lost my identity for some time already... I am not really sure who i am anymore... I cant be myself infront of people, I am really actually am person who dun really like to crap, but just want to know people personally... Why is it so hard?

And seriously, I have issues. I cannot talk to a girl with pure intentions. the intentions may be pure at first but then i become afraid to talk to them. Seriously, most of my female friends become my GF in the end, and then i lose them. sounds like a loser ya?

And then there is the people who expect me to condone to their situation no matter what. Like my single bros are kinda disappointed i am seeing someone. I mean COME ON. I never react that way when they are seeing someone! I support them and wish them the best, what i got instead? " wah, you choose the girl instead of us, you good lah"

watever. this crappy world makes crappy people, and sadly i belong to the majority. I am afraid of rejection, i mean i dun really have other places to go to. Family? thinking about our situation is more depressing than my other problems already. People say that i will be stronger, they understand or i am making selfish comments, i mean come on, I know i can be a better person. but so many things are holding me down! ITs so unfair! I really want to be a better person really. really.

I want to make people smile and fellowship, i want to see people loving one another without conditions, but i guess all that is fantasy. just a mere dream...

God, If there is one thing you can do? is to show us what motivated you to the cross.