I just gotta blog about this. You know of this blind man who plays the electric guitar, he normally busks in orchard, but he recently comes over to jurong point recently. And man i am so inspired by him.
Was at the station after returning from visiting my mum in hospital, saw him and he was playing "house of the rising sun" very nice rendition. I decided to stay since i had nothing better to do. No sooner after a minute of standing alone, some guy approached me and exclaimed loudly " this guy's good " I could only nod my head. Later song he played more than words, but i think he got bored of it very fast. actually me too, wassup with everyone learning the song anyway?
Then he turned on a backing track for led zeppelin's "stairways to heaven", It was as if he read my mind. I was secretly hoping he would do a little shredding. He playing the intro, that attracted one other guy to stand with me to watch him. then some guy interrupted him, must be the newspaper guy saying bye. then the blind guy recovered from where he was and boy, he read my mind.
He turned on the distortion effect and started shredding. I have seen shredding but this guy is blind man, WOAH. inspirational. After the song, the guy gave him 2 bucks, i gave 4.
but some how i walked away feeling slightly richer :)
Friday, November 2
Thursday, October 25
hi guys, thanks fer reading once again.
Been pretty busy lately, and all not about school work (lol) so today just gonna type in some experiences i have lately.
I believe that God has blessed us with the ability to do anything. Recently due to my schedule, i have body aches everyday and often left in fatigue. But I always wanted to try to test whether the brain is capable of activities that would alter bodily motions and systems. For example in the morning after i wake up and walk to school, i told my brain : "Begin wake up program, refresh body rate at 10% interval" Then i would concentrate on waking up my body ( take note i walk and do so ), the sensation is more like you are forcing your brain to wake up, it WILL send shivers down your spine. as in literally, so tat you know you are advancing. Keep doing so till you think you reach 100%. usually I have problems once i hit around 60-70%. but its possible to refresh your state of mind to more than 100%
Still not convinced? Here's a starter i invented to "feel" the sensation. I will do so in steps so that if you do not feel, go back to the previous step and start over.
1- close your eyes and take a deep breath
2- meditate, literally empty your thoughts and focus on the darkness
3- now envision your brain and imagine the excess fluids or strain in your head drain away down your spine
4- (this is the crucial point to me) concentrate on the brain section on the lower back part of your head, envision the brain juices spreading (you should feel it)
at first i thought i was delusional, but i tested the above test on someone, of course i was more detailed, and this self hypnotism is really helpful to get rid of stress, problem is i often have too much stress and have very little time sitting down...
Today was the first time i went wake boarding, and boy was it tough. i went under the school, and there was this girl who kept pestering all those who signed up to showed up... of course i had to go.
$40 for 30 min. 15 min then wait again for the next session of 15 min. I was late and watched how my friends fell again again and again. at first i was thinking this must look very tough... I began asking around for advice from the regulars, i do not want to waste my $40... The guys were somehow impressed by me, either by my enthusiasm, my curiosity or my sporty looking body ( my friends thought i attracted this junior who acted a bit funny towards guys... like me...) I earnestly learn the theory and finally my turn came.
But my attempt was no better than the other guys. None of us actually managed to stand up. My very first attempt left my left hand middle finger internal bleeding cos there was this awesome thug when the speed boat pulled the board. i think about 5 minutes of crash and waiting for the line passed then i finally told myself, Ivan dun be a impatient idiot. take your time and progress each step. Then i looked up to the sky and thanked God for letting me have this chance, and asked him to let me go a little further before falling. And I did. I managed to bend my knees up and the board almost stabilized. of course i came crashing again. But i had more faith, and asked God for more distance and he was faithful.
But when i almost got the hang of things, my first 15 minutes was over. next was justin yeo. back at the floating platform where we wait, we began asking around like how many sessions it took for the regulars to get the hang of things. They then began comparing locations and said that our location, kallang river , is a pretty bad place to start. most of them had a few sessions before stabilizing. i began to be nervous. I knew wake boarding is not easy, but i never thought it could be that tough... Then i saw justin yeo almost standing up, but crashed as usual. then the girl, Maggie, began asking who wants to go next. I asked her to show us what to do since she so enthu to teach, then she went. when she entered the water, the boat sped off, and in 2 seconds the board stabilized and off she went, almost like a pro. Back at the platforms, echoes of "ownage" filled the air.
Then justin yeo began telling me, actually its not that tough, although theory is important, you just need the feeling... I was like... what if i dun have the feeling? It was justin goh's turn. he managed to stabilize , probably inspired by Maggie, but he could only last like 5 seconds. I was like, justin goh was the only potential looking one since the first 15 minutes he managed to stabilized a bit, then in his second session he could stabilize more. I was demoralized since i did not stabilized at all the first 15 minutes.
then my turn came, I was determined but nervous. But my friends began telling me not to worry and try my best. Encouraged i went into the water, only to disappoint myself, i messed up and went smacked down into the water. Looking up and waiting for the boat to pick me up, i asked God, "God, just let me do this." 2nd try. I managed to stand up! I got the sensation but it was short lived. I too came crashing same like the others. But i was determined. I asked God again, and i went slightly further, this time i got the hang of things. The driver kept saying that i am good, now i would prove how good i really am. The next try i took my time, the feeling was right, I managed to synchronize the waves and the board, i kept my balance. And then I realised, I am wake boarding. I could not see the others cos i do not have my specs, but i know that the rest were staring in awe. I went the whole length of the kallang river and managed to make a turn, but the turn proved abit too challenging, I starting drifting away from the line of the boat. and the waves toppled me.
well todays a fun experience, i and the guys would probably wake board every fortnight cos its quite ex. And oh yeah, whole body aching cos of it. the meditation helps though. Ok if anybody wants to know more, just let me know yeah? see ya
Been pretty busy lately, and all not about school work (lol) so today just gonna type in some experiences i have lately.
I believe that God has blessed us with the ability to do anything. Recently due to my schedule, i have body aches everyday and often left in fatigue. But I always wanted to try to test whether the brain is capable of activities that would alter bodily motions and systems. For example in the morning after i wake up and walk to school, i told my brain : "Begin wake up program, refresh body rate at 10% interval" Then i would concentrate on waking up my body ( take note i walk and do so ), the sensation is more like you are forcing your brain to wake up, it WILL send shivers down your spine. as in literally, so tat you know you are advancing. Keep doing so till you think you reach 100%. usually I have problems once i hit around 60-70%. but its possible to refresh your state of mind to more than 100%
Still not convinced? Here's a starter i invented to "feel" the sensation. I will do so in steps so that if you do not feel, go back to the previous step and start over.
1- close your eyes and take a deep breath
2- meditate, literally empty your thoughts and focus on the darkness
3- now envision your brain and imagine the excess fluids or strain in your head drain away down your spine
4- (this is the crucial point to me) concentrate on the brain section on the lower back part of your head, envision the brain juices spreading (you should feel it)
at first i thought i was delusional, but i tested the above test on someone, of course i was more detailed, and this self hypnotism is really helpful to get rid of stress, problem is i often have too much stress and have very little time sitting down...
Today was the first time i went wake boarding, and boy was it tough. i went under the school, and there was this girl who kept pestering all those who signed up to showed up... of course i had to go.
$40 for 30 min. 15 min then wait again for the next session of 15 min. I was late and watched how my friends fell again again and again. at first i was thinking this must look very tough... I began asking around for advice from the regulars, i do not want to waste my $40... The guys were somehow impressed by me, either by my enthusiasm, my curiosity or my sporty looking body ( my friends thought i attracted this junior who acted a bit funny towards guys... like me...) I earnestly learn the theory and finally my turn came.
But my attempt was no better than the other guys. None of us actually managed to stand up. My very first attempt left my left hand middle finger internal bleeding cos there was this awesome thug when the speed boat pulled the board. i think about 5 minutes of crash and waiting for the line passed then i finally told myself, Ivan dun be a impatient idiot. take your time and progress each step. Then i looked up to the sky and thanked God for letting me have this chance, and asked him to let me go a little further before falling. And I did. I managed to bend my knees up and the board almost stabilized. of course i came crashing again. But i had more faith, and asked God for more distance and he was faithful.
But when i almost got the hang of things, my first 15 minutes was over. next was justin yeo. back at the floating platform where we wait, we began asking around like how many sessions it took for the regulars to get the hang of things. They then began comparing locations and said that our location, kallang river , is a pretty bad place to start. most of them had a few sessions before stabilizing. i began to be nervous. I knew wake boarding is not easy, but i never thought it could be that tough... Then i saw justin yeo almost standing up, but crashed as usual. then the girl, Maggie, began asking who wants to go next. I asked her to show us what to do since she so enthu to teach, then she went. when she entered the water, the boat sped off, and in 2 seconds the board stabilized and off she went, almost like a pro. Back at the platforms, echoes of "ownage" filled the air.
Then justin yeo began telling me, actually its not that tough, although theory is important, you just need the feeling... I was like... what if i dun have the feeling? It was justin goh's turn. he managed to stabilize , probably inspired by Maggie, but he could only last like 5 seconds. I was like, justin goh was the only potential looking one since the first 15 minutes he managed to stabilized a bit, then in his second session he could stabilize more. I was demoralized since i did not stabilized at all the first 15 minutes.
then my turn came, I was determined but nervous. But my friends began telling me not to worry and try my best. Encouraged i went into the water, only to disappoint myself, i messed up and went smacked down into the water. Looking up and waiting for the boat to pick me up, i asked God, "God, just let me do this." 2nd try. I managed to stand up! I got the sensation but it was short lived. I too came crashing same like the others. But i was determined. I asked God again, and i went slightly further, this time i got the hang of things. The driver kept saying that i am good, now i would prove how good i really am. The next try i took my time, the feeling was right, I managed to synchronize the waves and the board, i kept my balance. And then I realised, I am wake boarding. I could not see the others cos i do not have my specs, but i know that the rest were staring in awe. I went the whole length of the kallang river and managed to make a turn, but the turn proved abit too challenging, I starting drifting away from the line of the boat. and the waves toppled me.
well todays a fun experience, i and the guys would probably wake board every fortnight cos its quite ex. And oh yeah, whole body aching cos of it. the meditation helps though. Ok if anybody wants to know more, just let me know yeah? see ya
Saturday, October 13
Well enough is enough man... this past week i encountered about 5 different deaths ( 4 persons and a dog ). And with the extremely tiring week, and a suffering "friendship", Its pretty stressful.
First was aunty. Uncle Chee mengs mum. Her passing was very unexpected cos we saw her the previous sunday... I am rather shock and sad to see her leave us...
Next was the unexpected death of a aeronautical student, whose bike fell skid and killed him instantly. I found out when i realised that i am the only person in a class and when i ask the lecturer where are the rest, he told me they all attended his funeral and postponed it
next was when i followed Jemie home when her dog was giving birth to a puppy. it was premature but showed signs of health and hope... I was actually fascinated by its coming into the world... but it died of something the next day...
then was Don's elder sis. She's so young and pretty, but her passing was sad. i am still sad, and amongst the deaths, hers disturbs me. My heart is with his family now.
Then this morning was rather shocking ( but not as bad cos i have seen so many people pass on recently ) was the passing of my great grand mother. she lived to a ripe old age of 102 years old. and now she have gone home to the Lord.
I am not sure about you guys, but i see life very fragile and uncontrollable. its like anytime God can just call you home. Its disturbing. but we have the assurance of salvation that makes a difference.
Because of Don's sis wake, I got into emotional trouble with her. With the added pressures of the late and tiring previous days and the worship session i have to prepare, there was unnecessary tension.
But it still does not change the fact that she always takes things for granted and irritatingly only panic when its like too late. How am i suppose to handle my feelings around someone like that, I ask you.
Glad that my groups project is progressing and that we are moving somewhere. but now the auditor pressuring us to go for the highlighted projects group where we will exhibit the project. pretty scared now. and not scared of the exhibit, but for my grades cos i did not put in as much effort as some of the guys. time to buck up.
had a great jamming session with Farhan before all the madness from yesterday. Was shredding session 101, pure soloing madness, very fulfilling, and i think i may have found my new jamming mate.
then today's worship was kinda good. it was dedicated to Don's sis. I feel that the team done a fairly good job today. there was dynamics and discussion of appropriate music level and understanding. And bernice had her wisdom tooth plucked out, but her chubby cheeks look made it look normal. we felt that she looks like Qoo. lol
Next week is gonna be another exhausting one... everyday got things on...
k guys talk to you again k? thanks girls for visiting my site.
PS: gonna cut my hair soon, I am open to cool suggestions :)
First was aunty. Uncle Chee mengs mum. Her passing was very unexpected cos we saw her the previous sunday... I am rather shock and sad to see her leave us...
Next was the unexpected death of a aeronautical student, whose bike fell skid and killed him instantly. I found out when i realised that i am the only person in a class and when i ask the lecturer where are the rest, he told me they all attended his funeral and postponed it
next was when i followed Jemie home when her dog was giving birth to a puppy. it was premature but showed signs of health and hope... I was actually fascinated by its coming into the world... but it died of something the next day...
then was Don's elder sis. She's so young and pretty, but her passing was sad. i am still sad, and amongst the deaths, hers disturbs me. My heart is with his family now.
Then this morning was rather shocking ( but not as bad cos i have seen so many people pass on recently ) was the passing of my great grand mother. she lived to a ripe old age of 102 years old. and now she have gone home to the Lord.
I am not sure about you guys, but i see life very fragile and uncontrollable. its like anytime God can just call you home. Its disturbing. but we have the assurance of salvation that makes a difference.
Because of Don's sis wake, I got into emotional trouble with her. With the added pressures of the late and tiring previous days and the worship session i have to prepare, there was unnecessary tension.
But it still does not change the fact that she always takes things for granted and irritatingly only panic when its like too late. How am i suppose to handle my feelings around someone like that, I ask you.
Glad that my groups project is progressing and that we are moving somewhere. but now the auditor pressuring us to go for the highlighted projects group where we will exhibit the project. pretty scared now. and not scared of the exhibit, but for my grades cos i did not put in as much effort as some of the guys. time to buck up.
had a great jamming session with Farhan before all the madness from yesterday. Was shredding session 101, pure soloing madness, very fulfilling, and i think i may have found my new jamming mate.
then today's worship was kinda good. it was dedicated to Don's sis. I feel that the team done a fairly good job today. there was dynamics and discussion of appropriate music level and understanding. And bernice had her wisdom tooth plucked out, but her chubby cheeks look made it look normal. we felt that she looks like Qoo. lol
Next week is gonna be another exhausting one... everyday got things on...
k guys talk to you again k? thanks girls for visiting my site.
PS: gonna cut my hair soon, I am open to cool suggestions :)
Monday, October 8
hi guys, sorry for not updating so much. gotta rush this entry a bit.... just when i am prepared to write an entry, my mum for got something and i have to go somewhere inconvenient... oh well a son gotta do what a son gotta do :)
Anyway, This past week, it felt like God was emphasizing a message to me, and its like he is telling me to have faith. Started when my mum went to a healing service, and came back talking about how she can walk all better and that by faith her knee cap and ligament will grow. Sure i was pretty skeptical, but seeing her walking without the cane, and so full of faith, its as if her knee has already recovered.
Next was Saturday evening, when Josiah, Stanford, Don, Mavis and I had a conversation at the new LJS across the MRT station. I could see that we have mega plans and everything cos of Jo new found passion. I was pretty excited. I know that God is preparing us for another revival. But then yesterday in church after service when having small talk with Wen Xin, Matthew came in and said lots of stuff that encouraged wen xin's idea of the YF is dying. I must have faith, and persevere from all the negativeness that the youths themselves are having and help provide some kind of Hope. and i really believe that since this is God's ministry, This hope can only come from God himself. I will pray extra hard for the YF, and hopefully the rest will join me soon.
And there was the coincidental bumping into Uncle Kit on the way to the station, We had a conversation and he asked me What i think God is doing to the church. I was only excited to tell him what i think God is preparing the YF for something. Then somehow my made my self centred statement by telling me that there is something else in the church that will lead people to God. I said wen Xin? he said no, think again. The lift? Correct he said. I was thinking, "the LIFT?" then he began to tell me how he saw God working and brought about the lift and it almost began about a year ago. One fine day he was talking to the elderlies in church and they said " You know, we can walk very long distance and not feel tired. But when it is very very tiring to climb stairs." Then he saw how the Chinese ministry side elderlies struggling up the stairs. So he felt a deep conviction and decided to approach uncle David Soh, Property chairman at the time. Uncle David was captured by the conviction and began praying alot... cos its just too expensive for the church to settle. But one day as he almost gave up, he shared to one of his old friends and Voila, that friend donated a whole 10k . Uncle david was so excited that he straight away settled the finance for the lift. And then Uncle Kit turned to me, Ivan, the lift is going to serve not only the church elders but the elders of the neighborhood as well. wow.
finally was my conversation with someone last night. She told me that she only wanted to be friends and that we need more time. Yup we need more time, and I need more faith.
Pastor message is also about faith, That its not faith that we lack, but faithfulness.
Guys whoever is reading, I pray that we can have more faithfulness when it comes to the business of the Lord. Amen.
Anyway, This past week, it felt like God was emphasizing a message to me, and its like he is telling me to have faith. Started when my mum went to a healing service, and came back talking about how she can walk all better and that by faith her knee cap and ligament will grow. Sure i was pretty skeptical, but seeing her walking without the cane, and so full of faith, its as if her knee has already recovered.
Next was Saturday evening, when Josiah, Stanford, Don, Mavis and I had a conversation at the new LJS across the MRT station. I could see that we have mega plans and everything cos of Jo new found passion. I was pretty excited. I know that God is preparing us for another revival. But then yesterday in church after service when having small talk with Wen Xin, Matthew came in and said lots of stuff that encouraged wen xin's idea of the YF is dying. I must have faith, and persevere from all the negativeness that the youths themselves are having and help provide some kind of Hope. and i really believe that since this is God's ministry, This hope can only come from God himself. I will pray extra hard for the YF, and hopefully the rest will join me soon.
And there was the coincidental bumping into Uncle Kit on the way to the station, We had a conversation and he asked me What i think God is doing to the church. I was only excited to tell him what i think God is preparing the YF for something. Then somehow my made my self centred statement by telling me that there is something else in the church that will lead people to God. I said wen Xin? he said no, think again. The lift? Correct he said. I was thinking, "the LIFT?" then he began to tell me how he saw God working and brought about the lift and it almost began about a year ago. One fine day he was talking to the elderlies in church and they said " You know, we can walk very long distance and not feel tired. But when it is very very tiring to climb stairs." Then he saw how the Chinese ministry side elderlies struggling up the stairs. So he felt a deep conviction and decided to approach uncle David Soh, Property chairman at the time. Uncle David was captured by the conviction and began praying alot... cos its just too expensive for the church to settle. But one day as he almost gave up, he shared to one of his old friends and Voila, that friend donated a whole 10k . Uncle david was so excited that he straight away settled the finance for the lift. And then Uncle Kit turned to me, Ivan, the lift is going to serve not only the church elders but the elders of the neighborhood as well. wow.
finally was my conversation with someone last night. She told me that she only wanted to be friends and that we need more time. Yup we need more time, and I need more faith.
Pastor message is also about faith, That its not faith that we lack, but faithfulness.
Guys whoever is reading, I pray that we can have more faithfulness when it comes to the business of the Lord. Amen.
Monday, September 17
Yesterday in church was kinda a slow moving day. The weather was too nice to do something crazy and the sluggishness from the CE race is still lingering. Reached late again, and the service was the usual. Pastor's message was on about preaching to the lost. he struck a chord when he shared about sharing to his mum back when he was younger, and that the mum at first abhor the testimonies he shared, but was later afraid to accept because she wants to be with the father after her death.
Which makes me think abit. Life after death? Many people i know disregard their lives, heck i am one of them. Sometimes i say things like, its better to die too. But then who are we to say such things? I fail to see that God is in control... no matter what? Don once said that everybody feels like their own problems seems bigger than others problem, I agree. I mean We are the ones going through it and suffering it. I mean who would really understand what I am going through.
Life seems so sad all the time, I watch the news, sad, I see my family, sad. Its so easy to ignore the grace of God that keeps us alive to laugh and play. Jemie told me that life is good, if you want it to be good, I agree, but thats closing your eyes. Ignorance is bliss but yields curses (i have to add in those words) therefore i conclude that do not be ignorant! watch the news, talk to people and pray about it!
I know that i tend to avoid people sometimes, especially those i know with problems, but i know that i am no different from them. Cant we all see that we are all sinners in small or big ways? no one is more "Holier" than the other, we are all one body in christ! Why cant we share and help out with watever little we have? just taking time to listen have more effect than a misguided counseling session i find, I have lots of problems you see and often unload them to the people around me. Believe me i feel very good, and would always want to return the favor.
No one can honestly say that they do not need friends or people. We need them as much as how we need air to breathe. God created society and allow people to communicate in intelligent ways for us to be one big happy family. darn, i cant help being negative sometimes?
I almost wanted to change my principles yesterday, the philosophy of DUN CARE. just dun care what people think, do or say. Just dun care! Then we got no problems in life. things would seem better, the quarrels will seem like something from your neighbors house, earthquakes will happen only on Mars instead. Just dun care.
But I cant help but care. As much as my grandma screams negative and vulgar comments on my mum, i listened every word. And believe me, its not that i want to hear those words, but i just cant help it. Jemie said i am too nice, I listen to everybodies problems, i mean the real problem is not that i care too much, but its that everyone else does not! Dun we see people with problems coming to church? there are so many kind of problems people bring to church eg.
- loniness
- addiction to a certain sin
- hanging out with wrong company
- false beliefs and bad principles of life
- BGR problems
- family problems
- ego and pride issues
- rejection from society
- etc etc
And I am so disappointed that we cannot really help in anyway! I mean the youths coming to church only get more depressed sometimes. The only ones that really stay are because they grew up there and coming to church is part of their life. I mean is GOD in the picture?
Sad to say i am viewing myself more like a fake christian. A true disciple of christ has discipline, thus the word disciple, and sad to say i lack it. I am as lazy as can get. I wish that i do not have to involve myself in anything that would deprive me of lazing around and doing things i wanna do. I just cant be bothered.
But then again, my life is short. I am 20 now, and have not done anything significant in my life. I was talking to the other youths and realised that i have the worst results in poly after norman... I mean everyone qualifies for uni, but me? sigh...
Loss of direction, and deprived of a stable family. Single mums have it tough. they are the unsung heroes that have to work to bring up the family and raise their children as well. I know many single child from broken families, they somehow share the same pain i have. And not to mention, its a disease that hinders us from becoming better people.
For me? not knowing my father is a issue, btw i was born fatherless, and i am not asking my mum because she would tell me when she wants to. It affects me sometimes, cause i look up to great men in history and the world today and i am sad when i see families with fathers who work hard and care about their children. Families that stay together and have godly disciplines bring up good children basically, their academic and life progress are tend to until they start work and have their own lives.
Single childs have to work out their lives earlier and have no choice but to be independent in some way. the family is in their hands and they have no choice but choose a stable career and life.
But i want to be different. I hate to admit that i fall in the same trap as many other single child where life suck. but i have many friends and family members that care. Its just that God have blessed me with a bad start in life so that one day i will become someone, maybe not to the world but at least for my mum.
Lord I pray that the youths of the world today learn to treasure their families and spread the warmth of your love to other youths around as well. Everyone needs to be loved, and i know that we can feel more of your love when we gather in trust, love and in your warmth of your embrace. Amen.
Which makes me think abit. Life after death? Many people i know disregard their lives, heck i am one of them. Sometimes i say things like, its better to die too. But then who are we to say such things? I fail to see that God is in control... no matter what? Don once said that everybody feels like their own problems seems bigger than others problem, I agree. I mean We are the ones going through it and suffering it. I mean who would really understand what I am going through.
Life seems so sad all the time, I watch the news, sad, I see my family, sad. Its so easy to ignore the grace of God that keeps us alive to laugh and play. Jemie told me that life is good, if you want it to be good, I agree, but thats closing your eyes. Ignorance is bliss but yields curses (i have to add in those words) therefore i conclude that do not be ignorant! watch the news, talk to people and pray about it!
I know that i tend to avoid people sometimes, especially those i know with problems, but i know that i am no different from them. Cant we all see that we are all sinners in small or big ways? no one is more "Holier" than the other, we are all one body in christ! Why cant we share and help out with watever little we have? just taking time to listen have more effect than a misguided counseling session i find, I have lots of problems you see and often unload them to the people around me. Believe me i feel very good, and would always want to return the favor.
No one can honestly say that they do not need friends or people. We need them as much as how we need air to breathe. God created society and allow people to communicate in intelligent ways for us to be one big happy family. darn, i cant help being negative sometimes?
I almost wanted to change my principles yesterday, the philosophy of DUN CARE. just dun care what people think, do or say. Just dun care! Then we got no problems in life. things would seem better, the quarrels will seem like something from your neighbors house, earthquakes will happen only on Mars instead. Just dun care.
But I cant help but care. As much as my grandma screams negative and vulgar comments on my mum, i listened every word. And believe me, its not that i want to hear those words, but i just cant help it. Jemie said i am too nice, I listen to everybodies problems, i mean the real problem is not that i care too much, but its that everyone else does not! Dun we see people with problems coming to church? there are so many kind of problems people bring to church eg.
- loniness
- addiction to a certain sin
- hanging out with wrong company
- false beliefs and bad principles of life
- BGR problems
- family problems
- ego and pride issues
- rejection from society
- etc etc
And I am so disappointed that we cannot really help in anyway! I mean the youths coming to church only get more depressed sometimes. The only ones that really stay are because they grew up there and coming to church is part of their life. I mean is GOD in the picture?
Sad to say i am viewing myself more like a fake christian. A true disciple of christ has discipline, thus the word disciple, and sad to say i lack it. I am as lazy as can get. I wish that i do not have to involve myself in anything that would deprive me of lazing around and doing things i wanna do. I just cant be bothered.
But then again, my life is short. I am 20 now, and have not done anything significant in my life. I was talking to the other youths and realised that i have the worst results in poly after norman... I mean everyone qualifies for uni, but me? sigh...
Loss of direction, and deprived of a stable family. Single mums have it tough. they are the unsung heroes that have to work to bring up the family and raise their children as well. I know many single child from broken families, they somehow share the same pain i have. And not to mention, its a disease that hinders us from becoming better people.
For me? not knowing my father is a issue, btw i was born fatherless, and i am not asking my mum because she would tell me when she wants to. It affects me sometimes, cause i look up to great men in history and the world today and i am sad when i see families with fathers who work hard and care about their children. Families that stay together and have godly disciplines bring up good children basically, their academic and life progress are tend to until they start work and have their own lives.
Single childs have to work out their lives earlier and have no choice but to be independent in some way. the family is in their hands and they have no choice but choose a stable career and life.
But i want to be different. I hate to admit that i fall in the same trap as many other single child where life suck. but i have many friends and family members that care. Its just that God have blessed me with a bad start in life so that one day i will become someone, maybe not to the world but at least for my mum.
Lord I pray that the youths of the world today learn to treasure their families and spread the warmth of your love to other youths around as well. Everyone needs to be loved, and i know that we can feel more of your love when we gather in trust, love and in your warmth of your embrace. Amen.
Saturday, September 15
Just got back from last night's CE amazing race, a overnight race in orchard road that lasted from 11pm to 6am. Although I was just a station master, I am pretty bushed. But it was all worth it. I am sure the youths enjoyed themselves and learnt a few things. well i learned a few things too.
Feng Nan was 2IC, or HQ. He taught us how to use the walkie talkies or "comset" or watever he calls it, and actually i am not sure to be amused when he keep trying to make things complicated by using military style radio communication. Maybe he thinks its cool? I dunno. But I guess it was kinda necessary. During the whole race, other people intercepted our channels and tried to play a fool with us. In the end i think i still communicated better on the HP :p
Don did well for this one. Although i am not used to his perfectionism, i guess its necessary for a successful event. I mean i found it weird that he needed like 2-3 reky and he did put in effort to make everyone's files and info. Kudos to you bro, guess i need to learn something from you.
Josiah did something weird in macs this morning, he claimed that he wanted to test whether the sms board on the tv was working... so he sent a message that says something like " Elena's bdae was yest, she's A prettiest squash princess" or something like that... I found it really weird. Somehow i can guess that he likes attention from elena and even steffi? oh well, he is a nice guy that does not chooses his friends, he can talk to anybody. I am actually glad that he is taking over the youth. I am very sure under his care, God would bless the ministry.
Sorry but the hangover from not sleeping well is causing me to emo abit. Actually more frustrated than emotional... I was thinking , why am i always caught between 2 camps? My mum and grandma had a fight over spiritual matters again. I have to agree with my grandma that my mum said things without consideration and without thinking really, but i had to disagree to her childishness in handling everything. And now they dun talk to each other even though they see each other all the time. This is dumb... But i know this will be over in about 2-3 weeks. but ultimately the best choice is to move out, away from my grandma. Its not about the responsibility to take care of her or anything, she can take care of herself, believe me. But staying with her is draining to me in all ways.
How I am caught between? Both of em are old and need someone to help. So today even though i am so dead tired, i have to switch attention to my mum and grandma. And if they got anything to tell each other, i will be the middleman. I mean come on! this really is childish...
come to think about it, i see this almost everywhere i go. Even during my 3 months industrial training program, 2 or 3 of my supervisors fought because of me. Its not that i am so good that they all want me, but they were using me to show each other boss. I feel a little used now i think about it...
Then there are times with friends too, have to decide which group of friends are more important... there is my sec school friends, poly friends, church friends, and the girl i am seeing now to balance... I think in the sense having too many close friends is not such a good thing. I feel like i am losing all of them the more i try to balance...
then there was church. Peng Soon was my advisor and spiritual father, really. He watched over me and fed me spiritually.( talking of which i got to meet him soon, i did promise to see him this break :) ) then came the incident when he was accused of molesting kids... then aunty julia came along, found it weird how she supported the investigations on peng soon and snap up the position of youth counselor the moment peng soon got kicked out... But dun get me wrong i am not saying that i accuse her of felony, I love them both, but i am very sad that they could not work together. I learnt from Julia that she was the youth counselor until PS came along, but clash of working style and presto, the rest you can figure out.
I feel somehow empty. not because of lost of direction, but i feel that there is indeed no such thing as love. And love like agape love is really a rare thing nowadays. Where is the love? yesterday i saw the youth treasure their pride and ego more than loving the BB boys... I am really sad really.
going to the youths is a sad reality of what the world is turning into. A world without hope and people just caring for themselves, and they are happy compared to people who actually cared to care. No one cares about each other. they dun ask personal questions but crack stupid jokes, people who care are seen as intruders, and the youths rather follow the vocal ones.
yes i am rather vocal myself, I feel like i have lost my identity for some time already... I am not really sure who i am anymore... I cant be myself infront of people, I am really actually am person who dun really like to crap, but just want to know people personally... Why is it so hard?
And seriously, I have issues. I cannot talk to a girl with pure intentions. the intentions may be pure at first but then i become afraid to talk to them. Seriously, most of my female friends become my GF in the end, and then i lose them. sounds like a loser ya?
And then there is the people who expect me to condone to their situation no matter what. Like my single bros are kinda disappointed i am seeing someone. I mean COME ON. I never react that way when they are seeing someone! I support them and wish them the best, what i got instead? " wah, you choose the girl instead of us, you good lah"
watever. this crappy world makes crappy people, and sadly i belong to the majority. I am afraid of rejection, i mean i dun really have other places to go to. Family? thinking about our situation is more depressing than my other problems already. People say that i will be stronger, they understand or i am making selfish comments, i mean come on, I know i can be a better person. but so many things are holding me down! ITs so unfair! I really want to be a better person really. really.
I want to make people smile and fellowship, i want to see people loving one another without conditions, but i guess all that is fantasy. just a mere dream...
God, If there is one thing you can do? is to show us what motivated you to the cross.
Feng Nan was 2IC, or HQ. He taught us how to use the walkie talkies or "comset" or watever he calls it, and actually i am not sure to be amused when he keep trying to make things complicated by using military style radio communication. Maybe he thinks its cool? I dunno. But I guess it was kinda necessary. During the whole race, other people intercepted our channels and tried to play a fool with us. In the end i think i still communicated better on the HP :p
Don did well for this one. Although i am not used to his perfectionism, i guess its necessary for a successful event. I mean i found it weird that he needed like 2-3 reky and he did put in effort to make everyone's files and info. Kudos to you bro, guess i need to learn something from you.
Josiah did something weird in macs this morning, he claimed that he wanted to test whether the sms board on the tv was working... so he sent a message that says something like " Elena's bdae was yest, she's A prettiest squash princess" or something like that... I found it really weird. Somehow i can guess that he likes attention from elena and even steffi? oh well, he is a nice guy that does not chooses his friends, he can talk to anybody. I am actually glad that he is taking over the youth. I am very sure under his care, God would bless the ministry.
Sorry but the hangover from not sleeping well is causing me to emo abit. Actually more frustrated than emotional... I was thinking , why am i always caught between 2 camps? My mum and grandma had a fight over spiritual matters again. I have to agree with my grandma that my mum said things without consideration and without thinking really, but i had to disagree to her childishness in handling everything. And now they dun talk to each other even though they see each other all the time. This is dumb... But i know this will be over in about 2-3 weeks. but ultimately the best choice is to move out, away from my grandma. Its not about the responsibility to take care of her or anything, she can take care of herself, believe me. But staying with her is draining to me in all ways.
How I am caught between? Both of em are old and need someone to help. So today even though i am so dead tired, i have to switch attention to my mum and grandma. And if they got anything to tell each other, i will be the middleman. I mean come on! this really is childish...
come to think about it, i see this almost everywhere i go. Even during my 3 months industrial training program, 2 or 3 of my supervisors fought because of me. Its not that i am so good that they all want me, but they were using me to show each other boss. I feel a little used now i think about it...
Then there are times with friends too, have to decide which group of friends are more important... there is my sec school friends, poly friends, church friends, and the girl i am seeing now to balance... I think in the sense having too many close friends is not such a good thing. I feel like i am losing all of them the more i try to balance...
then there was church. Peng Soon was my advisor and spiritual father, really. He watched over me and fed me spiritually.( talking of which i got to meet him soon, i did promise to see him this break :) ) then came the incident when he was accused of molesting kids... then aunty julia came along, found it weird how she supported the investigations on peng soon and snap up the position of youth counselor the moment peng soon got kicked out... But dun get me wrong i am not saying that i accuse her of felony, I love them both, but i am very sad that they could not work together. I learnt from Julia that she was the youth counselor until PS came along, but clash of working style and presto, the rest you can figure out.
I feel somehow empty. not because of lost of direction, but i feel that there is indeed no such thing as love. And love like agape love is really a rare thing nowadays. Where is the love? yesterday i saw the youth treasure their pride and ego more than loving the BB boys... I am really sad really.
going to the youths is a sad reality of what the world is turning into. A world without hope and people just caring for themselves, and they are happy compared to people who actually cared to care. No one cares about each other. they dun ask personal questions but crack stupid jokes, people who care are seen as intruders, and the youths rather follow the vocal ones.
yes i am rather vocal myself, I feel like i have lost my identity for some time already... I am not really sure who i am anymore... I cant be myself infront of people, I am really actually am person who dun really like to crap, but just want to know people personally... Why is it so hard?
And seriously, I have issues. I cannot talk to a girl with pure intentions. the intentions may be pure at first but then i become afraid to talk to them. Seriously, most of my female friends become my GF in the end, and then i lose them. sounds like a loser ya?
And then there is the people who expect me to condone to their situation no matter what. Like my single bros are kinda disappointed i am seeing someone. I mean COME ON. I never react that way when they are seeing someone! I support them and wish them the best, what i got instead? " wah, you choose the girl instead of us, you good lah"
watever. this crappy world makes crappy people, and sadly i belong to the majority. I am afraid of rejection, i mean i dun really have other places to go to. Family? thinking about our situation is more depressing than my other problems already. People say that i will be stronger, they understand or i am making selfish comments, i mean come on, I know i can be a better person. but so many things are holding me down! ITs so unfair! I really want to be a better person really. really.
I want to make people smile and fellowship, i want to see people loving one another without conditions, but i guess all that is fantasy. just a mere dream...
God, If there is one thing you can do? is to show us what motivated you to the cross.
Wednesday, September 12
hihihi welcome back folks, thanks fer those who visited, i am actually amazed sometimes who visit this site... always the most unexpected people... hahaha, ( yup talking about you eunice ) kk promise not to anyhow type swear words liao...
heres a little refreshing video on you noob guitarist inspiratist on how you have to tune the guitar. this is straight out of a instructional video from paul gilbert titled "terrifying guitar trip"
so my friends, i have just finished a 7 hour movie titled "the 10th Kingdom". Its kinda heartwarming, but amazingly cruel in some parts. Imagine ugly trolls in punk rock outfit chasing 2 ordinary new york citizens in a fantasy world where fairy tale princess eg. snow white, rule. pretty cheesy, but entertaining in the end
okok. heres a bit about my first electric guitar lesson. MY TEACHER DO NOT PLAY THE ELECTRIC GUITAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he is a bassist in some band and for some reason gives me the vibes like he does not really knows what he is doing. however we crash course music theory and talked quite abit about professional musicianship. he mentioned the LCM or london college of music, and said that i should be able to jump to grade 5... :) according to him the exams are easy. i am going to take his word for it.
okok, been learning how to sweep pick lately, the raking exercise is amazingly boring and puts me to sleep sometimes but heres a vid that would definitely help us newbies out there! HAPPY SHREDDING!
IVAN SIGNING OUT OUT OUT
heres a little refreshing video on you noob guitarist inspiratist on how you have to tune the guitar. this is straight out of a instructional video from paul gilbert titled "terrifying guitar trip"
so my friends, i have just finished a 7 hour movie titled "the 10th Kingdom". Its kinda heartwarming, but amazingly cruel in some parts. Imagine ugly trolls in punk rock outfit chasing 2 ordinary new york citizens in a fantasy world where fairy tale princess eg. snow white, rule. pretty cheesy, but entertaining in the end
okok. heres a bit about my first electric guitar lesson. MY TEACHER DO NOT PLAY THE ELECTRIC GUITAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he is a bassist in some band and for some reason gives me the vibes like he does not really knows what he is doing. however we crash course music theory and talked quite abit about professional musicianship. he mentioned the LCM or london college of music, and said that i should be able to jump to grade 5... :) according to him the exams are easy. i am going to take his word for it.
okok, been learning how to sweep pick lately, the raking exercise is amazingly boring and puts me to sleep sometimes but heres a vid that would definitely help us newbies out there! HAPPY SHREDDING!
IVAN SIGNING OUT OUT OUT
Monday, September 10
hey peeps and feebs, welcome back for another episode of who's blog is it anyway! oops i mean all new episode of the rare christian ivano!
here's my life update:
now is school break, i mean a months break before the new semester begins, but i am in school almost if not everyday. and WHY!? FREAKIN' FINAL YEAR PROJECT! its the curse of all final year students (or most that i know of) and i lost my break!!!!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
screaming does help btw :)
anyway, here in school even though there is no project meeting today. :( WTH!!!!!!!
sigh, screaming really does help.
okok. so what ya guys wanna know? i today just wanna crap around and talk anything i want and ya all the helpless victims of my mindless bantering. MWA HAHAHAHA!!!
what kind of movies do you like to watch? I know that people are very very particular about the shows they watch nowadays. i mean my friends and i decide what movie to watch at cinemas or which to download and just watch when bored ( oops ). but non the less what kind of movies do you like?
I like action movies, i kinda like those typical stories when a nobody rise to somebody, very inspirational and always motivate me that its possible to become someone one day. but i do not like shows that seems like the hero is invincible or something. however i really like the Die Hard series, watching the invincible john mclane seems very amusing somehow.
Oh and i like watching slasher flicks and horror movies but i somehow never watch those good classics though.
some horror movies i wanna watch:
Ju-on series
the ring (jap ver.)
black night
i know what you did last summer series
urban legends 2 and if got 3 then also 3
house of wax
the original night of the living dead, dusk of the dead...
etc etc
okok, its not that i am sadistic. actually i am still abit afraid when watching this kind of movies, i can get paranoid if too real ( eg. blair witch project, poltergeist, the ring (US), It ( stephen King ), The Shining ( Also Stephen King ) etc etc.) and slasher flicks or sudden loud sounds still make me jump ( the scream series esp the 3rd one although its not scary, wes craven that stupid idiot just put alot of sudden sounds to scare his audience, freddy vs jason, or any friday the 13 or halloween movies) but the are some that i really enjoy ( the exorcist, double vision, nightmare on elmstreet series,scream series,final destination series,jason series,silent hill and resident evil, dawn of the dead (hot fav!!!), land of the dead (quite bad, but its the last from the zombie movie founder george A. romario) and more)
yup i like my horror movies, but i like sappy romantic stories too sometimes... like:
a walk to remember
lake house
3 iron
blah blah, cant rmb as well as the horror movies...
ah well. nowadays dun watch tv liao, but still watch the news to keep up to date with the world. but recently been watching alot of guitar vid here's one from one of my guitar heroes paul gilbert in the G3 tours, this one with joe satriani and john petrucci enjoy!
cool right. today kinda nervous too, first day in rockschool... so wish me the best. oh yeah, i will post more vids i like so just stay tune, will try to update my blog every monday, so do check once in a while. SEE YA AND GOD BLESS! stay off the drugs kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~SIGNING OUT TOTOTOTOTOTO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
here's my life update:
now is school break, i mean a months break before the new semester begins, but i am in school almost if not everyday. and WHY!? FREAKIN' FINAL YEAR PROJECT! its the curse of all final year students (or most that i know of) and i lost my break!!!!!!!! argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
screaming does help btw :)
anyway, here in school even though there is no project meeting today. :( WTH!!!!!!!
sigh, screaming really does help.
okok. so what ya guys wanna know? i today just wanna crap around and talk anything i want and ya all the helpless victims of my mindless bantering. MWA HAHAHAHA!!!
what kind of movies do you like to watch? I know that people are very very particular about the shows they watch nowadays. i mean my friends and i decide what movie to watch at cinemas or which to download and just watch when bored ( oops ). but non the less what kind of movies do you like?
I like action movies, i kinda like those typical stories when a nobody rise to somebody, very inspirational and always motivate me that its possible to become someone one day. but i do not like shows that seems like the hero is invincible or something. however i really like the Die Hard series, watching the invincible john mclane seems very amusing somehow.
Oh and i like watching slasher flicks and horror movies but i somehow never watch those good classics though.
some horror movies i wanna watch:
Ju-on series
the ring (jap ver.)
black night
i know what you did last summer series
urban legends 2 and if got 3 then also 3
house of wax
the original night of the living dead, dusk of the dead...
etc etc
okok, its not that i am sadistic. actually i am still abit afraid when watching this kind of movies, i can get paranoid if too real ( eg. blair witch project, poltergeist, the ring (US), It ( stephen King ), The Shining ( Also Stephen King ) etc etc.) and slasher flicks or sudden loud sounds still make me jump ( the scream series esp the 3rd one although its not scary, wes craven that stupid idiot just put alot of sudden sounds to scare his audience, freddy vs jason, or any friday the 13 or halloween movies) but the are some that i really enjoy ( the exorcist, double vision, nightmare on elmstreet series,scream series,final destination series,jason series,silent hill and resident evil, dawn of the dead (hot fav!!!), land of the dead (quite bad, but its the last from the zombie movie founder george A. romario) and more)
yup i like my horror movies, but i like sappy romantic stories too sometimes... like:
a walk to remember
lake house
3 iron
blah blah, cant rmb as well as the horror movies...
ah well. nowadays dun watch tv liao, but still watch the news to keep up to date with the world. but recently been watching alot of guitar vid here's one from one of my guitar heroes paul gilbert in the G3 tours, this one with joe satriani and john petrucci enjoy!
cool right. today kinda nervous too, first day in rockschool... so wish me the best. oh yeah, i will post more vids i like so just stay tune, will try to update my blog every monday, so do check once in a while. SEE YA AND GOD BLESS! stay off the drugs kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~SIGNING OUT TOTOTOTOTOTO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, August 22
Sorry guys for not updating... pretty busy nowadays, ya know exams and all (though not busy enough cos i am doing this entry now... hehehehe...)
Just wanna say a little something. I am staying with my grandmother. She is the most vulgar, insensitive lady you can meet in ya life ( I assure you, so far i have not met anyone as unreasonable and obnoxious as her ). She is the reason i hate going home, stopping the family from getting together, stopping my spiritual growth (in some ways only ar) and causing me to get high blood pressure and depression at such young age.
She drove away my family and now i and my mum struggle day by day to keep up with her orders. She is ultra control a freak and she expects the best and highest quality about everything. she cares only about herself and only wants attention to herself.
but then today when i got home ( she pissed me off to school this morning ) i saw a pitiful lady, yearning to be loved. At the dinner table when i was quietly eating away leftovers from her lunch, she kept saying :
" Sian ar, everything is so sian... "
Dear Lord, really wanna love her with all my might, but her attitude is killing me. All my life i have been with her. how i pray that you Lord would have mercy on her and let her return to you...
Sigh, emoing now cos of my grandma. quite guilty also cos i slammed around this past few days cos of exams and emotional stress.
I think i have successfully failed a few modules tis semester. Due to the hiccup from the beginning of the 2nd term, i was not able to catch up and lost alot of marks due to the fact i did not do a single project. I am actually preparing myself to stay back one semester now. talked to my mum about it. she told me that she was already anticipating something like this. Then I was thinking to myself, " IF YOU KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHY DIDNT YOU HELP ME? "
Then i realised that my mum really was letting me live my own life.
some part of me cannot handle this freedom. I need someone to help me out, but not at the expense of freedom. sigh...
Early this week, though in the heat of exams, i was just practicing the guitar then i just thought about practicing scales... Then i remembered a Micheal Angelo instructional vid talking about the tremelo. I went ahead, and PRESTO! i found my new addiction! SHREDDING!!!!!!
for a long time i never felt like this about my guitar playing! i was wacking the strings at a speed around 190 - 200 bpm! or maybe even faster! but i did not know what to play with the new found speed. So now i am practicing my scales, although i cannot skip strings so fast so i play like each note like 4 times, but keeping with the speed of 80 bpm. learn abit of tapping today, that too is a joy. And a bit of sweeping and I HAVE MEMORISED THE MAJOR SCALE!!!!!!! FREAKING WOOO!!!!!!!!!
okok, gotta go. found back my joy of guitar! SEEYA SOON!!!!!
Just wanna say a little something. I am staying with my grandmother. She is the most vulgar, insensitive lady you can meet in ya life ( I assure you, so far i have not met anyone as unreasonable and obnoxious as her ). She is the reason i hate going home, stopping the family from getting together, stopping my spiritual growth (in some ways only ar) and causing me to get high blood pressure and depression at such young age.
She drove away my family and now i and my mum struggle day by day to keep up with her orders. She is ultra control a freak and she expects the best and highest quality about everything. she cares only about herself and only wants attention to herself.
but then today when i got home ( she pissed me off to school this morning ) i saw a pitiful lady, yearning to be loved. At the dinner table when i was quietly eating away leftovers from her lunch, she kept saying :
" Sian ar, everything is so sian... "
Dear Lord, really wanna love her with all my might, but her attitude is killing me. All my life i have been with her. how i pray that you Lord would have mercy on her and let her return to you...
Sigh, emoing now cos of my grandma. quite guilty also cos i slammed around this past few days cos of exams and emotional stress.
I think i have successfully failed a few modules tis semester. Due to the hiccup from the beginning of the 2nd term, i was not able to catch up and lost alot of marks due to the fact i did not do a single project. I am actually preparing myself to stay back one semester now. talked to my mum about it. she told me that she was already anticipating something like this. Then I was thinking to myself, " IF YOU KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THIS WHY DIDNT YOU HELP ME? "
Then i realised that my mum really was letting me live my own life.
some part of me cannot handle this freedom. I need someone to help me out, but not at the expense of freedom. sigh...
Early this week, though in the heat of exams, i was just practicing the guitar then i just thought about practicing scales... Then i remembered a Micheal Angelo instructional vid talking about the tremelo. I went ahead, and PRESTO! i found my new addiction! SHREDDING!!!!!!
for a long time i never felt like this about my guitar playing! i was wacking the strings at a speed around 190 - 200 bpm! or maybe even faster! but i did not know what to play with the new found speed. So now i am practicing my scales, although i cannot skip strings so fast so i play like each note like 4 times, but keeping with the speed of 80 bpm. learn abit of tapping today, that too is a joy. And a bit of sweeping and I HAVE MEMORISED THE MAJOR SCALE!!!!!!! FREAKING WOOO!!!!!!!!!
okok, gotta go. found back my joy of guitar! SEEYA SOON!!!!!
Tuesday, July 17
Moving on... Finally I have come to terms with some of the issues i have. Here is the damage report since the last entry:
- countless emo days
- confused about the future
- unable to study therefore i took a extended 2 weeks break after the 2 weeks holidays, therefore missing alot in school and failed plenty of tests
- Come to terms with a girl i like, now we are friends, dun plan to skip the friendship part, have to come to terms with issues like companionships and priority
- have a more stable desire of musicianship, was chionging like a blind bull for the past month, now at least more stable but still frustrated over which instrument to specialise in or whether to become a vocalist...
- finally got back the desire to help coordinate the church worship ministry, partly due to the fact that now wen xin is the worship coordinator.
- dropped my keyboards and now playing the guitar when can afford to.
- want to serve God more.
Thats what i have to report for the past month. I apologise to those who read my blog and got disappointed. I pray that you will forgive me.
I guess i was impatient and my heart was not really right about performing, however i am still excited to display my musicianship true worship, To Glorify the almighty father above and to bring the people closer to him.
I had a long talk with her today, and it ended peacefully. She indeed is mature enough to see the need to take things slowly, and that helped me to see many things. I guess i always wanted a taste of stardom, but what makes me think i got what it takes to hit the mainstream industry?
After the talk , I asked her for a quiet time by myself, and after she left i sang to myself. At first I sang about the frustration of loving.
" God, Is it that wrong to love?
Such a painful pleasure, Such worthless gain?"
Then I began to wonder why it hurts to love
" God, Could it be my own selfish desires,
That have tainted and destroyed love?
What I thought was joy at open waters
Have become death and decay. "
Then a thought came to me
" Why cant people love one another without gain?
Why cant people love each other like Jesus would?"
Then a contemplation came...
" I realized that one reason is that i do not realize
how much i mean to you...
I have devalued myself to an undesirable extend
I realized that i do not love myself
I do not love me for who I am "
" But you loved me no matter how much i sinned...
Jesus, you are right when you gave the second commandment
" love each other as you would love yourself "
Indeed such wisdom, yet it comes with such great price..."
" Love is patient, it is kind and never wanting.
love requires sacrifice and devotion.
Only you God teach such great things... "
" Does it matter whose denomination is more right?
What matters is that you are the Head and the Holy Spirit be our guide "
" Oh God, How great thou art.
You are worthy of all praise "
" I want to share your heart with everyone,
Everyone needs to know about your love and the message that you came to bring"
" Jesus, I want to help prepare
prepare for what man was doomed to go through "
" We will not be able to save many,
But I pray that through us, some may "
" People need to care about others,
and put their selfish selves one side "
" And when people come to love one another,
Then can they experience the love you came to bring "
" Help me to bring that message of love "
Thats it, I decided that i am going to start another band. this one only for the Glory of Christ and the members whom i know already have a heart to serve. However i am afraid to approach all of them as i am not that close to them.
I am afraid but God give me strength, I am not looking for a committed band now but one where we can enjoy playing together and bring the message that you died to bring.
- countless emo days
- confused about the future
- unable to study therefore i took a extended 2 weeks break after the 2 weeks holidays, therefore missing alot in school and failed plenty of tests
- Come to terms with a girl i like, now we are friends, dun plan to skip the friendship part, have to come to terms with issues like companionships and priority
- have a more stable desire of musicianship, was chionging like a blind bull for the past month, now at least more stable but still frustrated over which instrument to specialise in or whether to become a vocalist...
- finally got back the desire to help coordinate the church worship ministry, partly due to the fact that now wen xin is the worship coordinator.
- dropped my keyboards and now playing the guitar when can afford to.
- want to serve God more.
Thats what i have to report for the past month. I apologise to those who read my blog and got disappointed. I pray that you will forgive me.
I guess i was impatient and my heart was not really right about performing, however i am still excited to display my musicianship true worship, To Glorify the almighty father above and to bring the people closer to him.
I had a long talk with her today, and it ended peacefully. She indeed is mature enough to see the need to take things slowly, and that helped me to see many things. I guess i always wanted a taste of stardom, but what makes me think i got what it takes to hit the mainstream industry?
After the talk , I asked her for a quiet time by myself, and after she left i sang to myself. At first I sang about the frustration of loving.
" God, Is it that wrong to love?
Such a painful pleasure, Such worthless gain?"
Then I began to wonder why it hurts to love
" God, Could it be my own selfish desires,
That have tainted and destroyed love?
What I thought was joy at open waters
Have become death and decay. "
Then a thought came to me
" Why cant people love one another without gain?
Why cant people love each other like Jesus would?"
Then a contemplation came...
" I realized that one reason is that i do not realize
how much i mean to you...
I have devalued myself to an undesirable extend
I realized that i do not love myself
I do not love me for who I am "
" But you loved me no matter how much i sinned...
Jesus, you are right when you gave the second commandment
" love each other as you would love yourself "
Indeed such wisdom, yet it comes with such great price..."
" Love is patient, it is kind and never wanting.
love requires sacrifice and devotion.
Only you God teach such great things... "
" Does it matter whose denomination is more right?
What matters is that you are the Head and the Holy Spirit be our guide "
" Oh God, How great thou art.
You are worthy of all praise "
" I want to share your heart with everyone,
Everyone needs to know about your love and the message that you came to bring"
" Jesus, I want to help prepare
prepare for what man was doomed to go through "
" We will not be able to save many,
But I pray that through us, some may "
" People need to care about others,
and put their selfish selves one side "
" And when people come to love one another,
Then can they experience the love you came to bring "
" Help me to bring that message of love "
Thats it, I decided that i am going to start another band. this one only for the Glory of Christ and the members whom i know already have a heart to serve. However i am afraid to approach all of them as i am not that close to them.
I am afraid but God give me strength, I am not looking for a committed band now but one where we can enjoy playing together and bring the message that you died to bring.
Thursday, May 24
Moshi Mosh Guys! I wanna try something new with this rickety no purpose site which sits amongst million of other sites that could be in the same state as this, to some use.
As a aspiring guitar player, I wanna share the world and discover the great world of music with you. Most of all, To share how God is in the big PICTURE!
I know its rather ridiculous, but i wanna play the guitar, I wanna rock a stage with a burning fretboard in my humble hands. Its something i really wanna do of late...
But I suck. I cant play properly. I hit chromatics the whole fretboard only at like 60 bpm... Thats slow. I cant shred, arpeggios, sweep, mode, scale... ar watever you name it, I probably cant play it.
Still a noob. But i wanna admit first of all that I am a noob. I am willing to learn and I personally feel that perseverance is the key to success (not that item you DOTA freaks!)
So here's a question for all of you to ponder.
" Whats music to you "
Okok, so those of you who are looking at this site now. Just leave a comment
gonna pound the guitar now. night
As a aspiring guitar player, I wanna share the world and discover the great world of music with you. Most of all, To share how God is in the big PICTURE!
I know its rather ridiculous, but i wanna play the guitar, I wanna rock a stage with a burning fretboard in my humble hands. Its something i really wanna do of late...
But I suck. I cant play properly. I hit chromatics the whole fretboard only at like 60 bpm... Thats slow. I cant shred, arpeggios, sweep, mode, scale... ar watever you name it, I probably cant play it.
Still a noob. But i wanna admit first of all that I am a noob. I am willing to learn and I personally feel that perseverance is the key to success (not that item you DOTA freaks!)
So here's a question for all of you to ponder.
" Whats music to you "
Okok, so those of you who are looking at this site now. Just leave a comment
gonna pound the guitar now. night
Sunday, May 20
20/5/87
the day i was born
20/5/07
Current Situation : Now Lying in bed, recovering from a cold flu i recieved a day before...
Not your ideal birthday situation isnt it.
Sure i wished i was better, go to church and Worship God while getting greetings from the others, I dun feel a bit deprived a little bit.
Though I do feel however that i should not have missed service yesterday and today... my mum said that the message was impactful. But due to unforeseen circumstances and what seemed more important, being there for someone in times of need.
Sure, excuses. but hey, someone was better and I thank God for that.
But yesterday was one pleasant surprise after another. Started out at youth yesterday.
I did not expect anything maybe because i thought they celebrating birthday only in june... then when i saw Don announcing that its my birthday, I was like "ah, saboh..." Then when i turn back, I saw that big cake with my name on it. then i went "wha..." I was shocked, flabbergasted. Stacy then brought the cake to me... I was too happy to say anything already...
Then my mum and I were late for dinner. Uncle He Meng, drove us there although out of the way. to the mandarin hotel, pine courts. My aunt wanted a celebration there as a birthday gift to me. thank God we reached on time. By that time, i was already confirmed sick...
Then the family came, wishing me one by one. Even my cousin's girlfriend who does not talk to anyone came up to wish me. and they passed me my presents. This year i have only 3 material presents. ( i did not expect anything though , now i am on cloud nine ) wait i have 4, the most important one to me, the one Don pass me. haha
We had a great dinner, had great conversations, and got to catch up with everybody. Boy did i miss them. then it was time for the birthday cake that the restaurant kept as a surprise. A medium sized brownie cake. FUUUUUUUU!
then when my family sang the birthday chorus, they noted to me the foreign couple that clapped for me too. I had to return formalities, i brought 2 cakes over for each of them, and the female companion returned with a friendly 2 way kiss. AH THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME WITH A FOREIGNER!
then the restuarant invited a 3 stringed instrument band to perform for me, although they were in a rush, they extended their heart felt wishes. More than enough for me. And danced with the couple, who were Greeks, although i danced badly and was sick, i hope to put up a good face for singaporeans ( so patriotic ar me ) and then took pictures with them and said our good byes!
then I took a spin in my aunt's new car, the latest series of the Toyota vios. I know, its not that great, But it has a killer sound system in it. Rocking!
then we went to macs, had some snacks ( you know how is it to eat in a posh restaurant, you will never be full ). then it was time to say our good byes.
Under the effects of panadol, i was knocked out throughout the ride home. reached home rather late, but then went online to check emails and stuff. Then I managed to suprise someone whom i admired for the past one year. ( not infactuation admire, but just admire ). whoopie doo doo!
Then When I woke up, to discover i felt too sick to leave for church. Whoopie poo poo. man...
But all those smses that wished me "get well soon" and "Happy Birthday"s empowered me to get well soon. I never felt so much love in such a short period of time...
God I am sorry i missed service today. But I promise you that i do not take lightly the divine worship that is to worship and to glorify your name in watever i do. You blessed me with breath 20 years ago, I exalt you oh God.
God indeed deserves all exaltations, let us do so whenever it comes to our birthdays!
Okok, i gotta go rest now... sweating like a pig...
JA NE!
the day i was born
20/5/07
Current Situation : Now Lying in bed, recovering from a cold flu i recieved a day before...
Not your ideal birthday situation isnt it.
Sure i wished i was better, go to church and Worship God while getting greetings from the others, I dun feel a bit deprived a little bit.
Though I do feel however that i should not have missed service yesterday and today... my mum said that the message was impactful. But due to unforeseen circumstances and what seemed more important, being there for someone in times of need.
Sure, excuses. but hey, someone was better and I thank God for that.
But yesterday was one pleasant surprise after another. Started out at youth yesterday.
I did not expect anything maybe because i thought they celebrating birthday only in june... then when i saw Don announcing that its my birthday, I was like "ah, saboh..." Then when i turn back, I saw that big cake with my name on it. then i went "wha..." I was shocked, flabbergasted. Stacy then brought the cake to me... I was too happy to say anything already...
Then my mum and I were late for dinner. Uncle He Meng, drove us there although out of the way. to the mandarin hotel, pine courts. My aunt wanted a celebration there as a birthday gift to me. thank God we reached on time. By that time, i was already confirmed sick...
Then the family came, wishing me one by one. Even my cousin's girlfriend who does not talk to anyone came up to wish me. and they passed me my presents. This year i have only 3 material presents. ( i did not expect anything though , now i am on cloud nine ) wait i have 4, the most important one to me, the one Don pass me. haha
We had a great dinner, had great conversations, and got to catch up with everybody. Boy did i miss them. then it was time for the birthday cake that the restaurant kept as a surprise. A medium sized brownie cake. FUUUUUUUU!
then when my family sang the birthday chorus, they noted to me the foreign couple that clapped for me too. I had to return formalities, i brought 2 cakes over for each of them, and the female companion returned with a friendly 2 way kiss. AH THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME WITH A FOREIGNER!
then the restuarant invited a 3 stringed instrument band to perform for me, although they were in a rush, they extended their heart felt wishes. More than enough for me. And danced with the couple, who were Greeks, although i danced badly and was sick, i hope to put up a good face for singaporeans ( so patriotic ar me ) and then took pictures with them and said our good byes!
then I took a spin in my aunt's new car, the latest series of the Toyota vios. I know, its not that great, But it has a killer sound system in it. Rocking!
then we went to macs, had some snacks ( you know how is it to eat in a posh restaurant, you will never be full ). then it was time to say our good byes.
Under the effects of panadol, i was knocked out throughout the ride home. reached home rather late, but then went online to check emails and stuff. Then I managed to suprise someone whom i admired for the past one year. ( not infactuation admire, but just admire ). whoopie doo doo!
Then When I woke up, to discover i felt too sick to leave for church. Whoopie poo poo. man...
But all those smses that wished me "get well soon" and "Happy Birthday"s empowered me to get well soon. I never felt so much love in such a short period of time...
God I am sorry i missed service today. But I promise you that i do not take lightly the divine worship that is to worship and to glorify your name in watever i do. You blessed me with breath 20 years ago, I exalt you oh God.
God indeed deserves all exaltations, let us do so whenever it comes to our birthdays!
Okok, i gotta go rest now... sweating like a pig...
JA NE!
Sunday, May 13
Moshi Moshi! Minna, Konbanwa!
Arigatou gozaimasu, hontou! kochi no kakkoi e omoshiroi rare christian ivan desu! rare no donoyouni? very the rare lah!
13/5/07
Mothers day, its the day that everybody remember the well earned efforts that our mothers put in to bring us into this world.
I am thankful for my mum, although she may be blur at times and often listens to everything i say, i will never take advantage of her and love her with all my might!
HONTOU DESU!
i dun wanna disappoint her as her child, so i will try my best to be the best son in the world k? bwahaha, but like you will ever read this entry mum, (i never told my mom about the blog though)
okok, this week was rather a mentally packed week for me, i was keeping myself mentally busy by constantly studying for around 15 hours a day. what i do, study in class, or while traveling, study flash, worship songs, or japanese. revise my keyboards, guitar... and trying to meditate upon God's word.
since monday, after you all sent your lovely replies, i was motivated to work hard, but i guess i did not work smart. friday, i got burnt out, did not attend a single class, reached school at 9, went straight to com lab, reading emails and studying my japanese...
then every night, i spend meaningless hours staring at the computer screen, playing games or chatting, to fill the emotional needs. sad, but it keeps me from thinking too much i guess.
sad, i have 3 friends who just broke up with their partners, and one struggling to keep one... its hard for i know, but i kinda feel sick to see relationships taken so lightly nowadays.
not many see the effort needed to maintain a relationship. it takes time, commitment, money and creativity to keep the flame going. its not just fulfilling each others emotional or physical needs. maybe the world's point of view about relationship is really that sad...
but i shant be bothered. i will try to comfort those who are going through the post breakup periods. and i think we should all to. Lets not judge them but tend to their needs first. nobody who went through commitment in their relationship wants a breakup, believe me.
On saturday, the last bs session i had with my group, i was filled with the knowledge and wisdom of the holy spirit. and i realised that i needed to do the following before that could happen.
- i came before God at the altar and grieved over the specifics sins that i have committed.
- i recognized God's wisdom and power
- I firmly stand by the gospel.
- i submit myself, subjected to allowing in the power of the Holy Spirit.
- I was in deep worship
and i realized that it takes alot of preparation just to make sure i could lead. but its not fully proven. i would clarify and see how this saturday will turn out.
The last session was a emotional one for me, at the end of the best session that i ever taught, i apologised for being such a terrible teacher and prayed for them.that they will be light of the world and salt of the earth
And I also realised the importance of pastoral care, by being a big brother to these people, i can show them the love that christ taught us. However that does not mean i have to be soft, I will show them appropriate actions for their own good.
I love the Youth i realised... they have become part of me. part of me wanna let go, part of me dun want to. Its a trap, and a stumbling block should God call me to serve elsewhere...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there is school... I am trying very hard to study for each class, but i think i just started engines, and only learning the true way of paying attention and making full advantage of each class. Partly cos none of my close classmates from the former class are with me now, i can pay attention. but then its lonely and people see me as a outcast at times, maybe because of my hair?
About my hair, its not that i dun wanna cut, or i think i look good in it, its just that i dunno wat to do with it... i wanna look good, not that i am vain or anything... ( or maybe just a little... fufufufu ) i just wanna look ok, and keep a style cool enough for gig
i am over packing myself again. Kairos may be over, but i signed up for vocals and went back for campus crusade and had committed to go for bible study with them and join their life meetings, or service. time management is very important now, i still trying to slot a time to visit the hairdresser... haiz. oh wells.
I wonder whether i am IT savvy? my internet keeps getting spoiled and there are always missing system files.. man... i wanna be proficient in my IT skills as well. I kinda realised the importance of IT skills? it helped me in my attachment and at home. Basic networking and applications like ppt, words, or excel is soooooo impt.
i see the need for alot of skills. IT, mechanical, music, lifeskills, homeskills. the list is endless. but i guess God blessed me with the joy of learning i guess. Thanks be to God. Although i may not be smart , and quite slow at studies, but i still enjoy what i like to do.
so my friends who are reading this blog. Many things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial. learn as many things while you still can, there's always the chance you will need it. and believe me, integrate it with you life and you will find the power in the knowledge. May God bless you and keep you in His Grace.
Amen.
Ja ne!
Arigatou gozaimasu, hontou! kochi no kakkoi e omoshiroi rare christian ivan desu! rare no donoyouni? very the rare lah!
13/5/07
Mothers day, its the day that everybody remember the well earned efforts that our mothers put in to bring us into this world.
I am thankful for my mum, although she may be blur at times and often listens to everything i say, i will never take advantage of her and love her with all my might!
HONTOU DESU!
i dun wanna disappoint her as her child, so i will try my best to be the best son in the world k? bwahaha, but like you will ever read this entry mum, (i never told my mom about the blog though)
okok, this week was rather a mentally packed week for me, i was keeping myself mentally busy by constantly studying for around 15 hours a day. what i do, study in class, or while traveling, study flash, worship songs, or japanese. revise my keyboards, guitar... and trying to meditate upon God's word.
since monday, after you all sent your lovely replies, i was motivated to work hard, but i guess i did not work smart. friday, i got burnt out, did not attend a single class, reached school at 9, went straight to com lab, reading emails and studying my japanese...
then every night, i spend meaningless hours staring at the computer screen, playing games or chatting, to fill the emotional needs. sad, but it keeps me from thinking too much i guess.
sad, i have 3 friends who just broke up with their partners, and one struggling to keep one... its hard for i know, but i kinda feel sick to see relationships taken so lightly nowadays.
not many see the effort needed to maintain a relationship. it takes time, commitment, money and creativity to keep the flame going. its not just fulfilling each others emotional or physical needs. maybe the world's point of view about relationship is really that sad...
but i shant be bothered. i will try to comfort those who are going through the post breakup periods. and i think we should all to. Lets not judge them but tend to their needs first. nobody who went through commitment in their relationship wants a breakup, believe me.
On saturday, the last bs session i had with my group, i was filled with the knowledge and wisdom of the holy spirit. and i realised that i needed to do the following before that could happen.
- i came before God at the altar and grieved over the specifics sins that i have committed.
- i recognized God's wisdom and power
- I firmly stand by the gospel.
- i submit myself, subjected to allowing in the power of the Holy Spirit.
- I was in deep worship
and i realized that it takes alot of preparation just to make sure i could lead. but its not fully proven. i would clarify and see how this saturday will turn out.
The last session was a emotional one for me, at the end of the best session that i ever taught, i apologised for being such a terrible teacher and prayed for them.that they will be light of the world and salt of the earth
And I also realised the importance of pastoral care, by being a big brother to these people, i can show them the love that christ taught us. However that does not mean i have to be soft, I will show them appropriate actions for their own good.
I love the Youth i realised... they have become part of me. part of me wanna let go, part of me dun want to. Its a trap, and a stumbling block should God call me to serve elsewhere...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there is school... I am trying very hard to study for each class, but i think i just started engines, and only learning the true way of paying attention and making full advantage of each class. Partly cos none of my close classmates from the former class are with me now, i can pay attention. but then its lonely and people see me as a outcast at times, maybe because of my hair?
About my hair, its not that i dun wanna cut, or i think i look good in it, its just that i dunno wat to do with it... i wanna look good, not that i am vain or anything... ( or maybe just a little... fufufufu ) i just wanna look ok, and keep a style cool enough for gig
i am over packing myself again. Kairos may be over, but i signed up for vocals and went back for campus crusade and had committed to go for bible study with them and join their life meetings, or service. time management is very important now, i still trying to slot a time to visit the hairdresser... haiz. oh wells.
I wonder whether i am IT savvy? my internet keeps getting spoiled and there are always missing system files.. man... i wanna be proficient in my IT skills as well. I kinda realised the importance of IT skills? it helped me in my attachment and at home. Basic networking and applications like ppt, words, or excel is soooooo impt.
i see the need for alot of skills. IT, mechanical, music, lifeskills, homeskills. the list is endless. but i guess God blessed me with the joy of learning i guess. Thanks be to God. Although i may not be smart , and quite slow at studies, but i still enjoy what i like to do.
so my friends who are reading this blog. Many things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial. learn as many things while you still can, there's always the chance you will need it. and believe me, integrate it with you life and you will find the power in the knowledge. May God bless you and keep you in His Grace.
Amen.
Ja ne!
Tuesday, May 8
8 may 2007
Darn it guys, i did not expect so many people reading the last entry. When i wrote it, i did not have in mind people actually reading it, rather more like a personal entry. so embarassing. how to face you all now?
But i thank God, that you all shower your care and concerns through your replies. It assured me and have comforted me through the days since then.
I know i tend to keep things bottled up, my idea is that everybody has enough of their own problems, they do not need to bear mine as well. And here i thought i could be a hero by listening out other people's as well. I have learnt my lessons.
Sorry guys, i probably made you all concerned and worried for a while. I really do not expect this, and i do not want to make you all feel this way anymore. I will try to open up, but moderately ok? So that i wont sound so suicidal all the time. haha
Maybe i blog about how i was since i saw all those replies in the chat box? I wanted to make this entry before i make anyone else concerned last night. but reached home after keyboards, too tired to think. Rushed about 3 episodes of a jap drama, went to slp.
Last night was the first time i spoke to my keyboards lessons instructor, Daniel, about anything (although we already had 4-5 lessons...). Partly cos there is a old couple that came to learn and they really want to play well for their personal worship but they have no music background, so they passively were holding the rest of the class back. I just felt bad if i were to ask the instructor anything, cos that might demoralise the couple? I will feel rather guilty one...
But then last night, the couple could not make it, reducing the stress level and the class size to only 3 of us. Daniel was later commenting that he dun really have anything to teach us cos we learn rather fast (actually because i have a little keyboards background back in primary school, thats why) so he will just entertain any question. that was the best thing other than reading the replies of the chat box.
I asked moderately as much as i wanted, even of things unrelated or not covered in the course, and he entertained my every questions, even taking a little time after class to talk to me.
And this morning, although reaching class late again, i managed to pay attention for most of my lectures (except for the one where the lecturer is plain reading off the text) and talked to my classmates during the break, esp those not from my actual class! i made new friends, and could talk to them.
I learnt something, thats its important to have friends, and no matter how bad your times are, when they are around, and give you motivation, it will the strength that will drive you to persevere with whatever trouble you are going through.
DOUMO ARIGATO GOZAIMASU! thank you so very much for posting in the chat box! I never felt so assured to this level for a very long time now.
watashi wa daijoubu no desu! minna so yasashii, shitashimiyasui!
boku wa suki minna desu yo!
See you soon (got a campus crusade to attend to, haha)
Darn it guys, i did not expect so many people reading the last entry. When i wrote it, i did not have in mind people actually reading it, rather more like a personal entry. so embarassing. how to face you all now?
But i thank God, that you all shower your care and concerns through your replies. It assured me and have comforted me through the days since then.
I know i tend to keep things bottled up, my idea is that everybody has enough of their own problems, they do not need to bear mine as well. And here i thought i could be a hero by listening out other people's as well. I have learnt my lessons.
Sorry guys, i probably made you all concerned and worried for a while. I really do not expect this, and i do not want to make you all feel this way anymore. I will try to open up, but moderately ok? So that i wont sound so suicidal all the time. haha
Maybe i blog about how i was since i saw all those replies in the chat box? I wanted to make this entry before i make anyone else concerned last night. but reached home after keyboards, too tired to think. Rushed about 3 episodes of a jap drama, went to slp.
Last night was the first time i spoke to my keyboards lessons instructor, Daniel, about anything (although we already had 4-5 lessons...). Partly cos there is a old couple that came to learn and they really want to play well for their personal worship but they have no music background, so they passively were holding the rest of the class back. I just felt bad if i were to ask the instructor anything, cos that might demoralise the couple? I will feel rather guilty one...
But then last night, the couple could not make it, reducing the stress level and the class size to only 3 of us. Daniel was later commenting that he dun really have anything to teach us cos we learn rather fast (actually because i have a little keyboards background back in primary school, thats why) so he will just entertain any question. that was the best thing other than reading the replies of the chat box.
I asked moderately as much as i wanted, even of things unrelated or not covered in the course, and he entertained my every questions, even taking a little time after class to talk to me.
And this morning, although reaching class late again, i managed to pay attention for most of my lectures (except for the one where the lecturer is plain reading off the text) and talked to my classmates during the break, esp those not from my actual class! i made new friends, and could talk to them.
I learnt something, thats its important to have friends, and no matter how bad your times are, when they are around, and give you motivation, it will the strength that will drive you to persevere with whatever trouble you are going through.
DOUMO ARIGATO GOZAIMASU! thank you so very much for posting in the chat box! I never felt so assured to this level for a very long time now.
watashi wa daijoubu no desu! minna so yasashii, shitashimiyasui!
boku wa suki minna desu yo!
See you soon (got a campus crusade to attend to, haha)
Saturday, May 5
Konbanwa! Ivan no bloggo BANZAI no desu! Dozo yoroshiku!
Doumo arigato gozaimasu, welcome back for another episode of the rare christian Ivan no desu! Yahoo!
Wagarimasen, ninhongo nani dai yo? (wats with the jap!) anata wagarimasuka?
Anata ninhonjin nai... hai hai. Singapore' jin desu. shikashi, bouku wa raiku ninhongo desu ne...
kay kay, enough with the jap. on with the real stuff...
Actually, i kinda feel lonely at times, sometimes in school, sometimes in church, esp sometimes at home. I seem to have lost my social skills or something, i dun really like talking to people as much as before. wonder why am i thinking like this...
and not to mentioned, i really got sick of the getting into a relationship idea already... sometimes i grow especially exhausting to face a couple, loving or not...
I am just so tired of answering to anybody... i feel so weak and adequate, i cant stand up for my own judgement, i am always looking for people to pity me, to love me. i get what i want, but yet not what i really need. I do not feel so loved nowadays, i guess everybody around me is too busy to do so. maybe thats why i am keeping myself busy as well. My only joy now is learning, its the only accomplishment i can satisfy myself with now... I should tap into this great brain that God gave me...
My mum, she has her own problems... cant believe how happy the family can be when my grandma is not around... it felt so wrong... everything seems so wrong when everything seems to be getting better... i just see no end to misery...
this is so demoralising. i only know how to make people sad, angry, disturbed... i do not know how to bring a smile to people's faces, except by being a idiot. I hate being a idiot. but i guess its hard to get by by not being a idiot sometimes...
i use to see my cousin's everyday back then... i was so much happier... but now i hardly see them... And now i really worry when people talk to me, its always about business, about their own problems, whatever. there's like no freedom. no liberation from this silence i rather face everyday. All i get a temporal delights that can fade in a sec. i can go out for a movie with a friend, smiling away. go home and face a grandma, who is deem to spoil your day no matter what. or a phone call from a nuisance girl. The only few people that is willing to care now is Don, but i dun wanna rely on him. i dun like it that i have to rely on him every time i am down. cos he never really let me know when he is, cos he got a girlfriend.
thats one antidote for loniness, get a partner.
I used to be like that. Then i think about it, its going to make me more lonely in the future. I hate to be lonely. DAMN IT!!!!!!!
i just cant help it. i just cant help it... how i wished i have a brother or a sister whom i can bully or talk to... or just a friend that i can stick to with till the end...
I dont want to be anything anymore, i dun feel like being a chairman of anything anymore, its more like a burden. its not like i am doing anything significant anyway, the youth might be better off then have a moody lonely chairman...
i pray that i will feel better soon. somehow i keep getting these mood swings easily.
Sayonara , oyasuminasai.
Jesus, aishiteru.
Doumo arigato gozaimasu, welcome back for another episode of the rare christian Ivan no desu! Yahoo!
Wagarimasen, ninhongo nani dai yo? (wats with the jap!) anata wagarimasuka?
Anata ninhonjin nai... hai hai. Singapore' jin desu. shikashi, bouku wa raiku ninhongo desu ne...
kay kay, enough with the jap. on with the real stuff...
Actually, i kinda feel lonely at times, sometimes in school, sometimes in church, esp sometimes at home. I seem to have lost my social skills or something, i dun really like talking to people as much as before. wonder why am i thinking like this...
and not to mentioned, i really got sick of the getting into a relationship idea already... sometimes i grow especially exhausting to face a couple, loving or not...
I am just so tired of answering to anybody... i feel so weak and adequate, i cant stand up for my own judgement, i am always looking for people to pity me, to love me. i get what i want, but yet not what i really need. I do not feel so loved nowadays, i guess everybody around me is too busy to do so. maybe thats why i am keeping myself busy as well. My only joy now is learning, its the only accomplishment i can satisfy myself with now... I should tap into this great brain that God gave me...
My mum, she has her own problems... cant believe how happy the family can be when my grandma is not around... it felt so wrong... everything seems so wrong when everything seems to be getting better... i just see no end to misery...
this is so demoralising. i only know how to make people sad, angry, disturbed... i do not know how to bring a smile to people's faces, except by being a idiot. I hate being a idiot. but i guess its hard to get by by not being a idiot sometimes...
i use to see my cousin's everyday back then... i was so much happier... but now i hardly see them... And now i really worry when people talk to me, its always about business, about their own problems, whatever. there's like no freedom. no liberation from this silence i rather face everyday. All i get a temporal delights that can fade in a sec. i can go out for a movie with a friend, smiling away. go home and face a grandma, who is deem to spoil your day no matter what. or a phone call from a nuisance girl. The only few people that is willing to care now is Don, but i dun wanna rely on him. i dun like it that i have to rely on him every time i am down. cos he never really let me know when he is, cos he got a girlfriend.
thats one antidote for loniness, get a partner.
I used to be like that. Then i think about it, its going to make me more lonely in the future. I hate to be lonely. DAMN IT!!!!!!!
i just cant help it. i just cant help it... how i wished i have a brother or a sister whom i can bully or talk to... or just a friend that i can stick to with till the end...
I dont want to be anything anymore, i dun feel like being a chairman of anything anymore, its more like a burden. its not like i am doing anything significant anyway, the youth might be better off then have a moody lonely chairman...
i pray that i will feel better soon. somehow i keep getting these mood swings easily.
Sayonara , oyasuminasai.
Jesus, aishiteru.
Saturday, April 28
Today is 28th of april 2007. I shouldnt be doing this now, cos i am rushing to help my mum to do the goceries then rush off to church for worship practice. But I just thought of typing this down before I lose these memories.
Just completed a series titled, 14 sai no haha ( 14 year old mother ). It talks about the struggles of a 14 year old girl, who wants to give birth to her baby no matter the cost. Although its emotional and more suited for girls, i found myself hooked to every of the 11 episodes.
From the show, I learnt above how precious life can be. That we should treasure it with whatever the costs. Cos sometimes in life we make mistakes. And some time it comes down hard on us. But what matter the most is how we pick up ourselves and carry on the fight.
Life on earth is a fight. No one goes through a easy life. If you are going through easy now, its always at the expense of somebody. Life is harsh. But God gave us the ability to live through these, thats why we must fight the good fight.
Also the show taught me to decide for myself. Up till now i still am a yes-man, and a crowd pleaser. But i realised that thats what i like to do. I like to see people smiling and talking. I like to see people hugging one another, shaking hands, or even just nodding at one another. I just want to see when friends share deep emotions and strengthen innocent ties as brothers and sisters.
God I would do anything to see the YF to become the most enjoyable YF in the whole world. I want to see them happy. I want to smile and bring your joy into their hearts.
Although I myself suffer alot, due to stress, loniness, busyness, a family that cannot understand... I still want to enjoy every session of YF. I want to see people happy praying, worshipping, fellowshipping, learning God's word. God I would do anything.
Thats why I decided, that today onwards, i will put a smile on my face, no matter how bad the times are, no matter how lonely i am. I do not want to upset the people around me anymore. I just want to make them happy.
Thank God I watched the series, I benefitted from it. Haha, I bet some of you are gonna condemn me gay or sissy after this. But its ok. I will just have to accept the consequence and just press on.
Ivan out!
Just completed a series titled, 14 sai no haha ( 14 year old mother ). It talks about the struggles of a 14 year old girl, who wants to give birth to her baby no matter the cost. Although its emotional and more suited for girls, i found myself hooked to every of the 11 episodes.
From the show, I learnt above how precious life can be. That we should treasure it with whatever the costs. Cos sometimes in life we make mistakes. And some time it comes down hard on us. But what matter the most is how we pick up ourselves and carry on the fight.
Life on earth is a fight. No one goes through a easy life. If you are going through easy now, its always at the expense of somebody. Life is harsh. But God gave us the ability to live through these, thats why we must fight the good fight.
Also the show taught me to decide for myself. Up till now i still am a yes-man, and a crowd pleaser. But i realised that thats what i like to do. I like to see people smiling and talking. I like to see people hugging one another, shaking hands, or even just nodding at one another. I just want to see when friends share deep emotions and strengthen innocent ties as brothers and sisters.
God I would do anything to see the YF to become the most enjoyable YF in the whole world. I want to see them happy. I want to smile and bring your joy into their hearts.
Although I myself suffer alot, due to stress, loniness, busyness, a family that cannot understand... I still want to enjoy every session of YF. I want to see people happy praying, worshipping, fellowshipping, learning God's word. God I would do anything.
Thats why I decided, that today onwards, i will put a smile on my face, no matter how bad the times are, no matter how lonely i am. I do not want to upset the people around me anymore. I just want to make them happy.
Thank God I watched the series, I benefitted from it. Haha, I bet some of you are gonna condemn me gay or sissy after this. But its ok. I will just have to accept the consequence and just press on.
Ivan out!
Tuesday, April 17
Banging on the Casio Keyboard as if i just found a long lost friend. The Notes that fills the air, ring with such nostalgic resonance. Chord after chords, I came up with new tunes, reviving whatever memory of the sensations i had about 10 years ago.
I found my new partner in crime, my keyboard. I was playing the guitar, plucking away tunes from this book i recently bought, 50 easy classical guitar pieces, and then got hit by some inspiration, music transfered from my fingers into the too old keyboard. I hope to hit the right notes in due time, but i realised that i have only been playing everything by feel...
Thats dangerous, playing by feel. It limits your capabilities, makes you think that you have to maintain your style, stay original and dun be a cover. But how to learn if you dun play pieces brought together by famous people, like mozart and paul gilbert?
I met quite a few people who like to play by feel. I am one of them. They cant go far. Why? cos they like their own style too much to learn new ones. Kinda EGO thing? You play, it sounds good, you keep it, and you use it for that particular song all the way.
Anyway, I really missed playing on the keyboard. Its cool, simple to generate tunes, more organised, and less harder to improvise than the guitar. Less stuff to memorise as well. Guitar shredding is nuts, but on the piano is chicken feet.
Today school was soso, managed to get through class, distracted by a comic i borrowed from a recently made friend, and some bad and good jokes i made. Overall, I hope i did not miss much.
School is so routine man... We just got nothing to celebrate about after seeing each other after our attachment period. I hardly wanted to talk to anyone as well, just thinking about talking gives me headaches
Dun get me wrong, i love talking, its just that, i really got nothing to talk about, I mean, why is it that you must communicate to have companionship? I would just love to spend one day, sitting and doing stuff, with a friend, without much talking. but then again that kinda sucks, and should leave it for the romantic moments.
How i long for the day to sit side by side with the girl that God has prepared for me. We wont have to look at each other, we have fallen too deep in a sentimental state of mind. We would stare at the sea, feel the breeze of the ocean, admire the skies and the sand. We would be alone, just admiring the quietness, and beauty of everything around us. Our minds would be pure, our leaning on each other would not tempt, there will be no lust in my mind, just joy and gladness for my love.
The trees would shelter us, shadowing us when its too hot, shelter us when it drizzles. She would snug and cuddle up to me for warmth, i would gladly offer. It would be the most intimate, wonderful period of my life, a time i look forward everytime.
And now and then we would gaze into each other eyes, admiring the pupils, and looking deep into each other souls. entranced we would smile, for we have fallen deeply in love.my arm would be around her shoulder, she would look up to me for comfort and security. And i would give her what she asks for.
We would sit there, allowing the people around us to be ignored, like as if they were never there. The sun would rise, and set. We would doze off in each others arms, and never be afraid of each other, for we will always be there for each other.
How i long for that day. Sad to say not many girls i know nowadays like a guys who do nothing but sit and admire nature. They prefer shopping, clubbing, social activities, stuff like that. They like conversationalist, jokers and jerks. No more gentle, quiet guys.
Ya I know, I am not quiet. I can be super noisy and nonsensical. But really, thats my romantic side, I suck. I flirt as if i am super nice, bring you all out, but then actually i got nothing much installed.
I really cant seem to let it out of my head. How many times, I look at the streets, television shows, ads, families... And i just want to enjoy the same companionship that God created us for. What so wrong about that?
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
funny, no matter how i scream in cyber space, it will never be heard...
felt...
It would be seen like a joke.
Ivan's a joke, He going about life, but actually he got no life.
actually i do have a life, but...
But what? you cant handle your emotions, you suck...
You cant blame me, i am only human...
Humans have relationships, you cant even handle one...
Thats not true, i have friends...
then why are you complaining about no companionship?
I am talking about my life partn...
partner? Ivan, no girl would want a low life like you...
Thats not true, i know girls like me...
Then why do they never approach you?
Thats... I dunno...
Cos You are nothing but just a flirt!
I am not!
Admit, you enjoyed every moment of it...
I guess i do... but...
But what? Girls will never feel secure around you!
But why? as if they know...
Swallow your stinking pride and see that girls hate you.
But how can that be?
Look at your partner in attachment, see how she resents you...
it was a mistake...
You keep justifying yourself... you are the mistake!
NO! I am not a mistake... why are you always tormenting me?
Torment? More like enlightening you, you jack ass...
Who are you?
I am you...
ME?
A part of you that desires you to think right, do right, live right...
If you are part of me, then why am i so wrong?
cos it sucks to be right...
yes it does...
Nobody would want a goody two shoes...
Or a serving boy...
Or a pushover...
I can see who you are now...
I come and develop myself...
through the bible, i know.
now that you know who i am, listen to what i have to say...
Listen, why cant you act?
I cant, i cant force you... i can only advice you...
But why? Do i deserve anything?
You just need to stop thinking about these things...
but its so hard...
you just have to talk to people, and stop talking to me...
but i have no one to talk to...
then talk to me, but never lack friends.
I thought i never...
but you are not putting effort into maintaining friendships...
Why do i always have to be the one?!
Cos they wont do it you idiot.
i know God prepared a girl for me...
she wont be here...
Wh... WHY!?
cos in your sinfulness, God knows that you would taint her again.
Again? she has been desecrated?
like you have desecrated some...
But i know God forgave me...
And so have he cleanse the girl he wants to present to you...
but my hands are still dirty...
take them away...
my eyes flicker in mischief...
take them away...
my heart lusts...
take it away...
my brain corrupts...
take it away...
Lord, when will i ever see her?
Only in prayer, can you hold on to my words and persevere.
but why?
You are destined for things... there is no time for girls now...
destined?
Destined... for my glory.
I found my new partner in crime, my keyboard. I was playing the guitar, plucking away tunes from this book i recently bought, 50 easy classical guitar pieces, and then got hit by some inspiration, music transfered from my fingers into the too old keyboard. I hope to hit the right notes in due time, but i realised that i have only been playing everything by feel...
Thats dangerous, playing by feel. It limits your capabilities, makes you think that you have to maintain your style, stay original and dun be a cover. But how to learn if you dun play pieces brought together by famous people, like mozart and paul gilbert?
I met quite a few people who like to play by feel. I am one of them. They cant go far. Why? cos they like their own style too much to learn new ones. Kinda EGO thing? You play, it sounds good, you keep it, and you use it for that particular song all the way.
Anyway, I really missed playing on the keyboard. Its cool, simple to generate tunes, more organised, and less harder to improvise than the guitar. Less stuff to memorise as well. Guitar shredding is nuts, but on the piano is chicken feet.
Today school was soso, managed to get through class, distracted by a comic i borrowed from a recently made friend, and some bad and good jokes i made. Overall, I hope i did not miss much.
School is so routine man... We just got nothing to celebrate about after seeing each other after our attachment period. I hardly wanted to talk to anyone as well, just thinking about talking gives me headaches
Dun get me wrong, i love talking, its just that, i really got nothing to talk about, I mean, why is it that you must communicate to have companionship? I would just love to spend one day, sitting and doing stuff, with a friend, without much talking. but then again that kinda sucks, and should leave it for the romantic moments.
How i long for the day to sit side by side with the girl that God has prepared for me. We wont have to look at each other, we have fallen too deep in a sentimental state of mind. We would stare at the sea, feel the breeze of the ocean, admire the skies and the sand. We would be alone, just admiring the quietness, and beauty of everything around us. Our minds would be pure, our leaning on each other would not tempt, there will be no lust in my mind, just joy and gladness for my love.
The trees would shelter us, shadowing us when its too hot, shelter us when it drizzles. She would snug and cuddle up to me for warmth, i would gladly offer. It would be the most intimate, wonderful period of my life, a time i look forward everytime.
And now and then we would gaze into each other eyes, admiring the pupils, and looking deep into each other souls. entranced we would smile, for we have fallen deeply in love.my arm would be around her shoulder, she would look up to me for comfort and security. And i would give her what she asks for.
We would sit there, allowing the people around us to be ignored, like as if they were never there. The sun would rise, and set. We would doze off in each others arms, and never be afraid of each other, for we will always be there for each other.
How i long for that day. Sad to say not many girls i know nowadays like a guys who do nothing but sit and admire nature. They prefer shopping, clubbing, social activities, stuff like that. They like conversationalist, jokers and jerks. No more gentle, quiet guys.
Ya I know, I am not quiet. I can be super noisy and nonsensical. But really, thats my romantic side, I suck. I flirt as if i am super nice, bring you all out, but then actually i got nothing much installed.
I really cant seem to let it out of my head. How many times, I look at the streets, television shows, ads, families... And i just want to enjoy the same companionship that God created us for. What so wrong about that?
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
funny, no matter how i scream in cyber space, it will never be heard...
felt...
It would be seen like a joke.
Ivan's a joke, He going about life, but actually he got no life.
actually i do have a life, but...
But what? you cant handle your emotions, you suck...
You cant blame me, i am only human...
Humans have relationships, you cant even handle one...
Thats not true, i have friends...
then why are you complaining about no companionship?
I am talking about my life partn...
partner? Ivan, no girl would want a low life like you...
Thats not true, i know girls like me...
Then why do they never approach you?
Thats... I dunno...
Cos You are nothing but just a flirt!
I am not!
Admit, you enjoyed every moment of it...
I guess i do... but...
But what? Girls will never feel secure around you!
But why? as if they know...
Swallow your stinking pride and see that girls hate you.
But how can that be?
Look at your partner in attachment, see how she resents you...
it was a mistake...
You keep justifying yourself... you are the mistake!
NO! I am not a mistake... why are you always tormenting me?
Torment? More like enlightening you, you jack ass...
Who are you?
I am you...
ME?
A part of you that desires you to think right, do right, live right...
If you are part of me, then why am i so wrong?
cos it sucks to be right...
yes it does...
Nobody would want a goody two shoes...
Or a serving boy...
Or a pushover...
I can see who you are now...
I come and develop myself...
through the bible, i know.
now that you know who i am, listen to what i have to say...
Listen, why cant you act?
I cant, i cant force you... i can only advice you...
But why? Do i deserve anything?
You just need to stop thinking about these things...
but its so hard...
you just have to talk to people, and stop talking to me...
but i have no one to talk to...
then talk to me, but never lack friends.
I thought i never...
but you are not putting effort into maintaining friendships...
Why do i always have to be the one?!
Cos they wont do it you idiot.
i know God prepared a girl for me...
she wont be here...
Wh... WHY!?
cos in your sinfulness, God knows that you would taint her again.
Again? she has been desecrated?
like you have desecrated some...
But i know God forgave me...
And so have he cleanse the girl he wants to present to you...
but my hands are still dirty...
take them away...
my eyes flicker in mischief...
take them away...
my heart lusts...
take it away...
my brain corrupts...
take it away...
Lord, when will i ever see her?
Only in prayer, can you hold on to my words and persevere.
but why?
You are destined for things... there is no time for girls now...
destined?
Destined... for my glory.
Sunday, April 15
Yo welcome back again for another whole new episode of the life of the rare christian I.V.A.N.O. ( machiam i some kind of superstar like that ) haha
I got great aspirations, and my whole family ( mycousins ) will be involved! Imagine this!
My band's music--------Kellie's contacts
- -
- Great -
- Show! -
- -
- -
Lester's dance --------- Mel's Designs
crew
Eh! Together, we're entertainment! haha!
Anyway, School is starting tomorrow, always have that anxious feeling, guess i still aint cool enough to take anything coming my way. Got the timetable and stuff, kinda sucky cos there is this chance that the whole class has split, i wont be with the rest, its like starting all over again.
Attachment ended with us giving out ferrero roshe' out to everyone, saying our thanks and byes. Mr Lim the boss of the company sent us off with questions like...
Mr Lim: "So, Chinn Yi, ask him wat i asked you earlier?"
CY: " er... He asked us, how would you answer if a guy asks you something that you are not specialized in?"
Me: "erm, i will try to get back to him, go back and do a little research?"
Mr Lim: "Ok... You should say 'Because i am only trained to that level!'"
ok.... wth lah, wat a way to send us off. quite diao. Anyway. I met some of the guys later, and went to have seoul garden, where we were trying to kill each other with jealousy. then went to k box to sing through the night. Man, do they have lousy selection of english songs. All chinese. But hey! I learnt quite a bit. Sang with them quite a few jay chou songs, wei lan, sun yan ze, tank. I was like watching them sing like 80% of the 4 hours we spent there. Cos i was bored, i try to learn chinese while they were singing. But nothing to do, so i keep drinking. TIGER! ICE COLD. bwa haha. Then i did not go drunk but became extremely tired, because i slept only 5 hours the day b4. Then when i sing, i cant sing properly. My throat becomes quite bad when i drink. Then i help to clear my colleagues cup, man... So pai seh. Back at the company i was giving the impression that i can sing, cos sometimes i practice in the workshop, cos very noisy there, they shouldnt be able to hear me ( but thats one of the reason i am quite deaf )
Oh well, It seems like i am going to lose contacts with them. but i really like them alot, but i am really like on diff frequency with them leh, and they always speak chinese. Its really straining to be with them, cos i trying hard to hear what they say, cos they speak quite fast, and then interpret and understand. Then they always wonder why i so quiet, cos i dunno what to say, and when i respond, i sound weird.... darn it. I really want to learn chinese, but i dun really have people guiding me. I wanna sing chinese songs too...
Today, I couldnt go to church cos my body gave up after all that moving around. I just needed the morning to rest. And I really am touched. I dunno what my mum said to some of the youths, but they start smsing me to tell me to get well soon? Funny cos i was not really sick, just chao ta for a while. I getting sappy now, feeling too touched, i wanna cry.
Getting really tired of going to church nowadays, I wonder where are the good ol times where i can enjoy my times in church. Now i just go to church hitting upon assignments, and tasks. But i hold on to Aunty SH words, Its an honor to strive for the Lord. I will strive all the way for the YF if i need to. Now as chairman and worship coordinator, I am trying my best upon my busy lifestyle to study as much music and organising skills to improve how i run things.
Learnt alot from organising the big bang worship. I can see that the band wanna stick together. I am touched. Maybe i have decided to split into 3 bands. And that its a permanent one, cos of band chemistry and style adaptations.
I really am sad when i find it hard to work with Norman... Maybe he is too good for us? I just cant help it but crumble whenever i see the "professional" image hanging on him... Then he wonder why i cant control the situation... Then when i pull myself together and make a musical stand, he got his comments... I dunno... Then he got his problems of coming as and when he likes... And he keeps complaining how busy he is. Actually everyone is as busy, so am i. but he just makes me feel bad all the time... Like as if i really suck in the things i do. But he greatly influenced me to become something else, actually i began listening to classical music long before, because i saw him and Yang hui singing, i was jealous, and thought of becoming the one who will sing by her. Now i still want to sing with her, but not really because of relationships reasons now.
He also shown me that it is possible to make it out there in the entertainment industries. I always wanted to try and see how it is out there during my non white hair periods.
His singing style is also quite influencial. I sing high and used forcetos often to reach high notes, maybe thats the reason of my increasing range of notes. Cos i am naturally a bass but i wanna sing high, i increase my range when i train in singing both classical and modern songs.
Haha, and then there is hazel, thanks to her and lester, i wanna learn dancing as well. Lester always keeps me update with the modern dance world, while sometimes hazel teaches me some classical dance terms. I wanna learn more.
Keyboards, Its thanks to people like yanghui and bernice who influenced me. And I realised that if i pursue this area, my songwriting capabilities will improve. Cos its easier on the piano to bring out the melody, cos guitar you depend on chords and vocals, so you make something within your range, but with the piano, you can go further. Look forward to more of my songs friends.
some Songs i have written so far ( there are others, but these are the better ones) In Chronological order:
- Love display
- I wanna be like Jesus
- Sacred Place
- I need you
- Life (performed by VertiCross)
By the way, my band VertiCross is striving to do something while we still can to break into the music world with our lively and optimistic J ROCK!
About the 3 bands for the worship teams? maybe i should make Norman a leader? he is better sometimes doing control himself? or not yuki and steffi seperate? then it will be something like this
team 1 - Ivan, Don, justin/brandon, bernice
team 2 - Steffi, paul, eunice, andrew
team 3 - Yuki or Norman and dunno who is going to play the other instruments...
Argh! darn it, not enough people. And so many worships sessions to oversee. I should start recruiting guitarists liao!
Argh! why am i so noob! I hate it when i cant organise things! And with the limited level of music i have, i cannot bring the ministry far! I want to bring better and greater worship for God and for the people. but why why WHY!
Then there is my studies to compete with! I lost all interests in my studies already, but i need to complete it and try my best to do well to get my rice bowl.
Lord i really wanna do well in music, for you, for myself. I realised after a while that its not about the people anymore, its me... I still dream of shredding at insane speeds, releasing harmonious and angelic melodies, with high techniques and musical values, all of this in front of the altar. God why!?
Why are there so many things that hinder my way? And on top of that, my laziness. ARgh why?
And there is the Relationship gap in my heart to contend with. Why? Then the role as a responsible christian chairman, teacher, worshiper, counsellor, son, friend... Its so tiring... I hardly can satisfy myself... I am always looking for cheap and quick thrills to satisfy my heart. And then i also meditate upon the Lord, checking with the Holy Spirit that dwells in me, to cultivate myself...
I am not satisfied with so many things in my life... I am afraid that i will return to the Lord unsatisfied... very afraid...
I got great aspirations, and my whole family ( mycousins ) will be involved! Imagine this!
My band's music--------Kellie's contacts
- -
- Great -
- Show! -
- -
- -
Lester's dance --------- Mel's Designs
crew
Eh! Together, we're entertainment! haha!
Anyway, School is starting tomorrow, always have that anxious feeling, guess i still aint cool enough to take anything coming my way. Got the timetable and stuff, kinda sucky cos there is this chance that the whole class has split, i wont be with the rest, its like starting all over again.
Attachment ended with us giving out ferrero roshe' out to everyone, saying our thanks and byes. Mr Lim the boss of the company sent us off with questions like...
Mr Lim: "So, Chinn Yi, ask him wat i asked you earlier?"
CY: " er... He asked us, how would you answer if a guy asks you something that you are not specialized in?"
Me: "erm, i will try to get back to him, go back and do a little research?"
Mr Lim: "Ok... You should say 'Because i am only trained to that level!'"
ok.... wth lah, wat a way to send us off. quite diao. Anyway. I met some of the guys later, and went to have seoul garden, where we were trying to kill each other with jealousy. then went to k box to sing through the night. Man, do they have lousy selection of english songs. All chinese. But hey! I learnt quite a bit. Sang with them quite a few jay chou songs, wei lan, sun yan ze, tank. I was like watching them sing like 80% of the 4 hours we spent there. Cos i was bored, i try to learn chinese while they were singing. But nothing to do, so i keep drinking. TIGER! ICE COLD. bwa haha. Then i did not go drunk but became extremely tired, because i slept only 5 hours the day b4. Then when i sing, i cant sing properly. My throat becomes quite bad when i drink. Then i help to clear my colleagues cup, man... So pai seh. Back at the company i was giving the impression that i can sing, cos sometimes i practice in the workshop, cos very noisy there, they shouldnt be able to hear me ( but thats one of the reason i am quite deaf )
Oh well, It seems like i am going to lose contacts with them. but i really like them alot, but i am really like on diff frequency with them leh, and they always speak chinese. Its really straining to be with them, cos i trying hard to hear what they say, cos they speak quite fast, and then interpret and understand. Then they always wonder why i so quiet, cos i dunno what to say, and when i respond, i sound weird.... darn it. I really want to learn chinese, but i dun really have people guiding me. I wanna sing chinese songs too...
Today, I couldnt go to church cos my body gave up after all that moving around. I just needed the morning to rest. And I really am touched. I dunno what my mum said to some of the youths, but they start smsing me to tell me to get well soon? Funny cos i was not really sick, just chao ta for a while. I getting sappy now, feeling too touched, i wanna cry.
Getting really tired of going to church nowadays, I wonder where are the good ol times where i can enjoy my times in church. Now i just go to church hitting upon assignments, and tasks. But i hold on to Aunty SH words, Its an honor to strive for the Lord. I will strive all the way for the YF if i need to. Now as chairman and worship coordinator, I am trying my best upon my busy lifestyle to study as much music and organising skills to improve how i run things.
Learnt alot from organising the big bang worship. I can see that the band wanna stick together. I am touched. Maybe i have decided to split into 3 bands. And that its a permanent one, cos of band chemistry and style adaptations.
I really am sad when i find it hard to work with Norman... Maybe he is too good for us? I just cant help it but crumble whenever i see the "professional" image hanging on him... Then he wonder why i cant control the situation... Then when i pull myself together and make a musical stand, he got his comments... I dunno... Then he got his problems of coming as and when he likes... And he keeps complaining how busy he is. Actually everyone is as busy, so am i. but he just makes me feel bad all the time... Like as if i really suck in the things i do. But he greatly influenced me to become something else, actually i began listening to classical music long before, because i saw him and Yang hui singing, i was jealous, and thought of becoming the one who will sing by her. Now i still want to sing with her, but not really because of relationships reasons now.
He also shown me that it is possible to make it out there in the entertainment industries. I always wanted to try and see how it is out there during my non white hair periods.
His singing style is also quite influencial. I sing high and used forcetos often to reach high notes, maybe thats the reason of my increasing range of notes. Cos i am naturally a bass but i wanna sing high, i increase my range when i train in singing both classical and modern songs.
Haha, and then there is hazel, thanks to her and lester, i wanna learn dancing as well. Lester always keeps me update with the modern dance world, while sometimes hazel teaches me some classical dance terms. I wanna learn more.
Keyboards, Its thanks to people like yanghui and bernice who influenced me. And I realised that if i pursue this area, my songwriting capabilities will improve. Cos its easier on the piano to bring out the melody, cos guitar you depend on chords and vocals, so you make something within your range, but with the piano, you can go further. Look forward to more of my songs friends.
some Songs i have written so far ( there are others, but these are the better ones) In Chronological order:
- Love display
- I wanna be like Jesus
- Sacred Place
- I need you
- Life (performed by VertiCross)
By the way, my band VertiCross is striving to do something while we still can to break into the music world with our lively and optimistic J ROCK!
About the 3 bands for the worship teams? maybe i should make Norman a leader? he is better sometimes doing control himself? or not yuki and steffi seperate? then it will be something like this
team 1 - Ivan, Don, justin/brandon, bernice
team 2 - Steffi, paul, eunice, andrew
team 3 - Yuki or Norman and dunno who is going to play the other instruments...
Argh! darn it, not enough people. And so many worships sessions to oversee. I should start recruiting guitarists liao!
Argh! why am i so noob! I hate it when i cant organise things! And with the limited level of music i have, i cannot bring the ministry far! I want to bring better and greater worship for God and for the people. but why why WHY!
Then there is my studies to compete with! I lost all interests in my studies already, but i need to complete it and try my best to do well to get my rice bowl.
Lord i really wanna do well in music, for you, for myself. I realised after a while that its not about the people anymore, its me... I still dream of shredding at insane speeds, releasing harmonious and angelic melodies, with high techniques and musical values, all of this in front of the altar. God why!?
Why are there so many things that hinder my way? And on top of that, my laziness. ARgh why?
And there is the Relationship gap in my heart to contend with. Why? Then the role as a responsible christian chairman, teacher, worshiper, counsellor, son, friend... Its so tiring... I hardly can satisfy myself... I am always looking for cheap and quick thrills to satisfy my heart. And then i also meditate upon the Lord, checking with the Holy Spirit that dwells in me, to cultivate myself...
I am not satisfied with so many things in my life... I am afraid that i will return to the Lord unsatisfied... very afraid...
Monday, April 9
Alright to my long lost brothers and sister, cold turkeyed peeps and far away frenz! I will try to blog as much as possible from now on. sry if i had cause any form of inconvenience by depriving you of my nonsense, i pray you gain back your sanity as soon as you read finish this entry!
~~~~~BLOG GOG OOG GO! (anyhow type)~~~~
Argh it's been a while, since when i last entered blogger.com
Actually i have been trying to blog, then always too emo then never finish any entry. darn! haha.
Hmm, i getting quite used to my busy lifestyle already, its the only time in my life where i can invest everything i can into the things i wanna do! Here's my schedule like
Monday - Keyboards at Believer Music
Tuesday - chorale (if any) or not its going to be my jamming day liao :)
Wednesday - Kairos (highly recommended)
Thurday - BS in Church
Friday - Hopefully it can be our dedicated day for worship practice :)
Saturday - Church ( YF! )
Sunday - Morning service and Starting vocals ! FUUUUU!
haha, dunno why i so happy. although i have been a bit strained by a certain sister in christ now...
Nowadays i have a tendancy to pay too much attention to girls? Maybe because i have been single for quite a while? I realized that if i just be friendly to them, i tend to think lesser about relationships and prob emo lesser. I mean singleness is a great thing, cos i will prob spend the rest of my life with the special babe that God has in plan for me. My colleague, she tends to emo at times, intro me to this song, My prayer by Devotion it kinda go like this...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Devotion - My Prayer Lyrics
In a dream I hold you close
Embracing you with my hands
You gazed at me
With eyes full of love
And made me understand
That I was meant to share with you
My heart, my mind, my soul
Then I opened my eyes
And All I see
Reality shows I'm alone
But I know someday that you'll be by my side
Cuz i know God's just waiting till the time is right
Chorus:
God, would you keep me safe from the thunderstorm
When the day is cold
When you keep me warm
When darkness falls
Will you please shine her the way
God, will you let her know
That I love her so
And there's no one there
That she's not alone
Just close her eyes
And let her know
My heart is beating with hers
So I pray until that day
When our hearts will beat as one
I will wait so patiently
For that day to come
I know someday that you'll be by my side
Cuz I know God's just waiting till the time is right
(Repeat Chorus)
Its beating with hers
My heart is beating with hers
Its beating with hers
(Repeat Chorus)
Ohhh...
Its beating with hers...
Its beating with hers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pretty meaningful stuff ya? I was quite amazed at how the lyrics really describes how i feel right now. God i pray that you keep that Girl you have for me in your loving arms and bless her in her ministry and that she loves you as much as i do!
Girls aside ( gals, dun feel sad, i love (brotherly) you all the same, deep from the heart! ), I am pretty sad yet glad that attachment is coming to a end. Kinda worried to how i am going to do my report. Pretty stressed. But thanks to God i met many fun people in there.
Mr Yio - Thanks for inviting me to your hokkien service and allowed me to indirectly take my first step to reaching to my grandmother, and for teaching me Songs from Israel Alive, and hokkien songs as well.
Mr Fred Paul - for giving me advice on how to sing, and teaching me how to be a great mechanic and about body building! you were fun and taught me pretty lots of useful and useless stuff!
mr Woon - Who patiently taught me in the first few weeks, you showed me a insight on how to play pool and dismantle machines in ingenious ways, you also allowed me to do things my ways and tolerated my dozing off when tightening and releasing bolts...
Mr wilfredo - my supervisor who always smiles and talks personally to me, I thank God for you as my instructor, and pray tat your son will grow up as funny and "diligent" in life.
Mr Wang - who thought highly of me, and although you can be a pain to talk to since you can chatter non stop, i feel like i am very close to you, must be the incident when you and wilfredo fought over me... haha. Thanks for reintroducing me to Autocad and informing me about the PS3, and letting me get back in touch with my genre of music i almost lost : J rock.
Choi Leng - although i personally felt that you tend to flirt with me alot, ( felt weird cos i hear from everyone esp. from the attachment students that you can be vicious to them) I really enjoy seeing your smile.
Mrs Lim - The lady boss who overlooks my late coming and wasting of company resources, you always check to make sure i have all my salary claimed and somehow seems to always give hints to just take overtime pay... ( AH! cannot take advantage!)
Omar - Rock on you malay man! You sold me your prized effect kit and always offered to repair my elec guitar. Thanks man. And you always somehow make all of us laugh. stay rocked out dude til you die k?
Shuu Fee - Was shocked to hear that you were younger than me by 5 months, not sure i old or you young. haha. But hey try to love your boyfriend, although you always complain how boring he is. I aint worth chasing, believe me.
Mr Ong - You can be a real pain in the @S3 at times, but you always respond to me whenever i ask questions.... forgive you for now.
Wu guo and Han wei - You china dudes always making fun of my chinese. Thanks to god that i know enough to make sure that you arent making fun of me!Thanks for lending your bikes to me whenever i need them though.
Saha - thanks for introducing me to the world of friendly cyber hacking. i never really had a hacker friend like you before, cos Don is fixing stuff, you like to break into stuff. I will try to stay in contact with you via email. Lets learn crazy stuff together man!
Sahu - you really needed the break man, dun come back to singapore til you are satisfied, working in Hi Tech can be pretty stressful. but be thankful man, not many companies would take a electrician in nowadays.
Dr Zhang - you communicated to me in chinese! i feel so proud, i thought you will never use mother tongue to communicate with anyone, since my colleague says so. haha
Ah tay - who relied heavily on me to supply him fresh mp3 all the time. I feel so used.
Shree - Man, i pray you will stop satisfying your beastly desires and try to fit into humanity, you not scared to get AIDS ar you! darn it.
Soh - Got to know you for a short while, but you were great to work with! Haha, we mechanic 3! we dismantle and assemble at the speed of light! man put on some muscles lah, how you carry a hammer like that! just joking, you got better stamina than me... darn it...
Mokash - I am pretty jealous of you, since you have a cute boy face although you are 25, and always attract my female colleague's attention. How i wish she would pay more attention to me and maybe we can work faster...
Ah hock - darn it man, you always seem to backstab anyone. maybe you got nothing better to do? Increase your portfolio and stop slacking lah.
Ahsari - Thanks for teaching me music mr elvis, and for showing me how to talk abit. Although the rest may not like you as much, i still think you are cool. Stay cool man.
Mr Lim - Mr head honcho, i pray that you will grow up and make decisions on the spot and stop making us play guessing games about what you really want. Darn it lah, act boss can be quite a stressful thing ya? but please try to communicate with the workers more, we would appreciate it.
Okok, thats like to all my colleagues except for those from SP, will dedicate for you another time.
Talking about getting back with my genre, i cant wait for school to start! I will be jamming like mad to increase the bands songlist and I WILL BE LEARNING DRIVING! FUUUU! dun waste anymore time liao Ivan! lets drive and after that convince the family to allow you to take bike license and drive a sports bike! FUUUUUU!
Quite amazed that my curriculum includes all the instruments, i playing regularly keyboards, guitar, drums, and singing. Maybe one day i can start a band called "me myself and Ivan" haha
Girls girls girls. Cant live with em and cant live without them. Sometimes i attract them and sometimes repel them. That sucks, i really would want to be friends with you. I am learning to to anyhow think of you if you wear terrible little liao. haha,although singapore is hot, its not that hot, put on something decent please, like i dun have enough probs liao, i trying to control my mind ar!
Although i am trying to curb my sexual nature in check, its terrible, i getting drawback symptoms like that... but i must persevere with the help of the Holy Spirit!
OKOK i talk alot this time, forgive, rest well and Good nIGHTo!
Ivan out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FUUUUUU~~~~~~~~~~~~~
haha
~~~~~BLOG GOG OOG GO! (anyhow type)~~~~
Argh it's been a while, since when i last entered blogger.com
Actually i have been trying to blog, then always too emo then never finish any entry. darn! haha.
Hmm, i getting quite used to my busy lifestyle already, its the only time in my life where i can invest everything i can into the things i wanna do! Here's my schedule like
Monday - Keyboards at Believer Music
Tuesday - chorale (if any) or not its going to be my jamming day liao :)
Wednesday - Kairos (highly recommended)
Thurday - BS in Church
Friday - Hopefully it can be our dedicated day for worship practice :)
Saturday - Church ( YF! )
Sunday - Morning service and Starting vocals ! FUUUUU!
haha, dunno why i so happy. although i have been a bit strained by a certain sister in christ now...
Nowadays i have a tendancy to pay too much attention to girls? Maybe because i have been single for quite a while? I realized that if i just be friendly to them, i tend to think lesser about relationships and prob emo lesser. I mean singleness is a great thing, cos i will prob spend the rest of my life with the special babe that God has in plan for me. My colleague, she tends to emo at times, intro me to this song, My prayer by Devotion it kinda go like this...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Devotion - My Prayer Lyrics
In a dream I hold you close
Embracing you with my hands
You gazed at me
With eyes full of love
And made me understand
That I was meant to share with you
My heart, my mind, my soul
Then I opened my eyes
And All I see
Reality shows I'm alone
But I know someday that you'll be by my side
Cuz i know God's just waiting till the time is right
Chorus:
God, would you keep me safe from the thunderstorm
When the day is cold
When you keep me warm
When darkness falls
Will you please shine her the way
God, will you let her know
That I love her so
And there's no one there
That she's not alone
Just close her eyes
And let her know
My heart is beating with hers
So I pray until that day
When our hearts will beat as one
I will wait so patiently
For that day to come
I know someday that you'll be by my side
Cuz I know God's just waiting till the time is right
(Repeat Chorus)
Its beating with hers
My heart is beating with hers
Its beating with hers
(Repeat Chorus)
Ohhh...
Its beating with hers...
Its beating with hers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pretty meaningful stuff ya? I was quite amazed at how the lyrics really describes how i feel right now. God i pray that you keep that Girl you have for me in your loving arms and bless her in her ministry and that she loves you as much as i do!
Girls aside ( gals, dun feel sad, i love (brotherly) you all the same, deep from the heart! ), I am pretty sad yet glad that attachment is coming to a end. Kinda worried to how i am going to do my report. Pretty stressed. But thanks to God i met many fun people in there.
Mr Yio - Thanks for inviting me to your hokkien service and allowed me to indirectly take my first step to reaching to my grandmother, and for teaching me Songs from Israel Alive, and hokkien songs as well.
Mr Fred Paul - for giving me advice on how to sing, and teaching me how to be a great mechanic and about body building! you were fun and taught me pretty lots of useful and useless stuff!
mr Woon - Who patiently taught me in the first few weeks, you showed me a insight on how to play pool and dismantle machines in ingenious ways, you also allowed me to do things my ways and tolerated my dozing off when tightening and releasing bolts...
Mr wilfredo - my supervisor who always smiles and talks personally to me, I thank God for you as my instructor, and pray tat your son will grow up as funny and "diligent" in life.
Mr Wang - who thought highly of me, and although you can be a pain to talk to since you can chatter non stop, i feel like i am very close to you, must be the incident when you and wilfredo fought over me... haha. Thanks for reintroducing me to Autocad and informing me about the PS3, and letting me get back in touch with my genre of music i almost lost : J rock.
Choi Leng - although i personally felt that you tend to flirt with me alot, ( felt weird cos i hear from everyone esp. from the attachment students that you can be vicious to them) I really enjoy seeing your smile.
Mrs Lim - The lady boss who overlooks my late coming and wasting of company resources, you always check to make sure i have all my salary claimed and somehow seems to always give hints to just take overtime pay... ( AH! cannot take advantage!)
Omar - Rock on you malay man! You sold me your prized effect kit and always offered to repair my elec guitar. Thanks man. And you always somehow make all of us laugh. stay rocked out dude til you die k?
Shuu Fee - Was shocked to hear that you were younger than me by 5 months, not sure i old or you young. haha. But hey try to love your boyfriend, although you always complain how boring he is. I aint worth chasing, believe me.
Mr Ong - You can be a real pain in the @S3 at times, but you always respond to me whenever i ask questions.... forgive you for now.
Wu guo and Han wei - You china dudes always making fun of my chinese. Thanks to god that i know enough to make sure that you arent making fun of me!Thanks for lending your bikes to me whenever i need them though.
Saha - thanks for introducing me to the world of friendly cyber hacking. i never really had a hacker friend like you before, cos Don is fixing stuff, you like to break into stuff. I will try to stay in contact with you via email. Lets learn crazy stuff together man!
Sahu - you really needed the break man, dun come back to singapore til you are satisfied, working in Hi Tech can be pretty stressful. but be thankful man, not many companies would take a electrician in nowadays.
Dr Zhang - you communicated to me in chinese! i feel so proud, i thought you will never use mother tongue to communicate with anyone, since my colleague says so. haha
Ah tay - who relied heavily on me to supply him fresh mp3 all the time. I feel so used.
Shree - Man, i pray you will stop satisfying your beastly desires and try to fit into humanity, you not scared to get AIDS ar you! darn it.
Soh - Got to know you for a short while, but you were great to work with! Haha, we mechanic 3! we dismantle and assemble at the speed of light! man put on some muscles lah, how you carry a hammer like that! just joking, you got better stamina than me... darn it...
Mokash - I am pretty jealous of you, since you have a cute boy face although you are 25, and always attract my female colleague's attention. How i wish she would pay more attention to me and maybe we can work faster...
Ah hock - darn it man, you always seem to backstab anyone. maybe you got nothing better to do? Increase your portfolio and stop slacking lah.
Ahsari - Thanks for teaching me music mr elvis, and for showing me how to talk abit. Although the rest may not like you as much, i still think you are cool. Stay cool man.
Mr Lim - Mr head honcho, i pray that you will grow up and make decisions on the spot and stop making us play guessing games about what you really want. Darn it lah, act boss can be quite a stressful thing ya? but please try to communicate with the workers more, we would appreciate it.
Okok, thats like to all my colleagues except for those from SP, will dedicate for you another time.
Talking about getting back with my genre, i cant wait for school to start! I will be jamming like mad to increase the bands songlist and I WILL BE LEARNING DRIVING! FUUUU! dun waste anymore time liao Ivan! lets drive and after that convince the family to allow you to take bike license and drive a sports bike! FUUUUUU!
Quite amazed that my curriculum includes all the instruments, i playing regularly keyboards, guitar, drums, and singing. Maybe one day i can start a band called "me myself and Ivan" haha
Girls girls girls. Cant live with em and cant live without them. Sometimes i attract them and sometimes repel them. That sucks, i really would want to be friends with you. I am learning to to anyhow think of you if you wear terrible little liao. haha,although singapore is hot, its not that hot, put on something decent please, like i dun have enough probs liao, i trying to control my mind ar!
Although i am trying to curb my sexual nature in check, its terrible, i getting drawback symptoms like that... but i must persevere with the help of the Holy Spirit!
OKOK i talk alot this time, forgive, rest well and Good nIGHTo!
Ivan out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FUUUUUU~~~~~~~~~~~~~
haha
Monday, March 26
To my pearl who yearns belonging.
Adoring is she as she seeks a recognition of favor and love,
She gives a faint smile and release delight in my eyes.
Worth the strains to obtain, worth the pains to withstand,
my pearl was a treasure obtained from the deepest depths of the ocean.
Slight pink its side, a radiant white that illuminates her curves,
my pearl is indeed the perfect jewel that existed.
She cries out slowly for yearning, for my touch,
and longs to be snugged safely back in my arms.
My pearl would love my company and accept my true nature,
she would reward my devotion with devotion.
Joy in my heart that she would smile in favor of my true nature,
for i accepted hers.
This pearl had gone through a molding process of turbulent times,
everybody dies to lay a hand on it.
But it became mine by divine manner,
I protect it with the deepest of hearts.
through the hands of many others, my pearl was contaminated,
And in my hands, i devoted my time to polish her with mine.
Soon she shall be the only thing in my life,
if only she would understand the true cause that God bestows.
This pearl remains unpolished,
and has went back into her very own protective case.
She slipped away one day in my carelessness,
My priorities adjusted against her care.
But all i wanted to be,
for keeping that pearl, i am willing to prepare.
To the pearl of the deepest ocean, who's voice entrance the sailors like a siren.
Adoring is she as she seeks a recognition of favor and love,
She gives a faint smile and release delight in my eyes.
Worth the strains to obtain, worth the pains to withstand,
my pearl was a treasure obtained from the deepest depths of the ocean.
Slight pink its side, a radiant white that illuminates her curves,
my pearl is indeed the perfect jewel that existed.
She cries out slowly for yearning, for my touch,
and longs to be snugged safely back in my arms.
My pearl would love my company and accept my true nature,
she would reward my devotion with devotion.
Joy in my heart that she would smile in favor of my true nature,
for i accepted hers.
This pearl had gone through a molding process of turbulent times,
everybody dies to lay a hand on it.
But it became mine by divine manner,
I protect it with the deepest of hearts.
through the hands of many others, my pearl was contaminated,
And in my hands, i devoted my time to polish her with mine.
Soon she shall be the only thing in my life,
if only she would understand the true cause that God bestows.
This pearl remains unpolished,
and has went back into her very own protective case.
She slipped away one day in my carelessness,
My priorities adjusted against her care.
But all i wanted to be,
for keeping that pearl, i am willing to prepare.
To the pearl of the deepest ocean, who's voice entrance the sailors like a siren.
Friday, March 9
The Workplace, the office. What ever you call it, its still the same place. Its a breeding grounds of egos, where man stand nobly firm on their selfish notions they call principles. There is no peace, no security, no tolerance , for error or for nonsense. They mature their childish behaviors by using stronger and harsher words like " manipulating"
Your colleagues hide their true identities and abilities, in fear of being challenged to go beyond the limitations of their comfort zone. They push the blame to another to save their hides, and try their best to outshine each other. Its a urban jungle where only the fittest and wittiest survives.
Grief covers faces of those who desires a mutuality between comrades of the same cause, to earn a living to continue running their miserable lives, they see no light in the things they do. They seek contentment in sustaining a daily chore that accumulates while they decay away.
And the boss, yes your typical average , oversized and pampered, obnoxious boss. He sits in his chair, thinking of ways to expand his already overstretched business, he rule with a iron hand, his words hold life to your career. Fear creeps and scourge the area he patrols and his associates "lick his boots". This butt kissers know that they are at this man's mercy, and just continue to miserably feel his ego.
also this colleague, whom i grew fond of, made me felt like i have been cheated some way, i thought wrongly of this colleague, freshness were the conversations that occurred. cheated. humiliated. whatever you call it.
the harsh reality of the working world. Ivan welcome to the real world.
Your colleagues hide their true identities and abilities, in fear of being challenged to go beyond the limitations of their comfort zone. They push the blame to another to save their hides, and try their best to outshine each other. Its a urban jungle where only the fittest and wittiest survives.
Grief covers faces of those who desires a mutuality between comrades of the same cause, to earn a living to continue running their miserable lives, they see no light in the things they do. They seek contentment in sustaining a daily chore that accumulates while they decay away.
And the boss, yes your typical average , oversized and pampered, obnoxious boss. He sits in his chair, thinking of ways to expand his already overstretched business, he rule with a iron hand, his words hold life to your career. Fear creeps and scourge the area he patrols and his associates "lick his boots". This butt kissers know that they are at this man's mercy, and just continue to miserably feel his ego.
also this colleague, whom i grew fond of, made me felt like i have been cheated some way, i thought wrongly of this colleague, freshness were the conversations that occurred. cheated. humiliated. whatever you call it.
the harsh reality of the working world. Ivan welcome to the real world.
Saturday, February 10
"Mortified"
Chapter 4: The Other Monster
"Urgh...." The floor, spotted with his coagulated blood, thicken with oxidized decayed blood cells... The darkness of the outside corridor and my dim bedroom lights amplified the zombie's image.
Mr. Lim, with a retarded raise, looked at me, with his blood thirsty and bloodshot eyes. As his line of sight fell on me, he intensified his invasion. Cold beads of perspiration cloaked me, the adrenaline glands pumping like mad. Shit... My legs do not need repeating.
I ran out of my room, jumping over some of my dumped school books and the blood smeared brick. I dashed in an ungracely manner towards the living room, naturally began flipping the door latch open, I got to get the heck out of here. Strange, my legs were excited, i could have ran the physical education 2.4 kilometers in less than five minutes... However the rest of my body parts made me feel like a freakin' hypocrite. I was already sweating like it was raining indoors, my brain exhausted from all the mind games, the fumbling fingers not getting a grip on the door latch...
Calm down Ivan... He's not going to get you if you just CALM down and open the door! "uuuhhhh...."
I stole a glance at spot of the origin. Mr Lim lumbering towards me. His huge figure made the doorway look small, intimidating me further. Click! Finally the latch is off! farewell Mr Lim, I pray that someone puts you out of your misery soon. I flung the door wide opened, and took a step towards the gate. My eyes were still fascinated with the fact that I am looking at a real life out of the movie monster, All sympathies for the old man is lost, I only wanted to see him as an interesting threat to my survival. Farewell Mr Lim, it was nice knowing you. Peeling my eyes off him, I synchronized my feet and hands to the gate. I spin for the quick getaway, only to stop shortly. I let a small yelp escape from my mouth,
However it was not enough to dodge the arms of those determined to rip you apart... Arms so desperate for a human flesh, Karen, Mr. Lim's young grand-daughter... Karen not you too...
Her slender hands, already showing some signs of decay, groped tightly on my arm. She gripped me with unspeakable strength, I never knew she possessed such monstrous brawns; it was unexpected from the slim and beautiful lady. I stared at her beautiful face, studying what fascinated me time and time again. If I were not a Christian, I may have done something unpardonable because of her. Her long jet black hair, tempting big eyes, tight pouting lips, and her perfectly chiseled face. Her body was flawless, making her the perfect goddess of Singaporean girls.
Now here she is, Still as beautiful as ever, just that she has a chunk of lower right jaw missing.
Mr. Lim must have got to her, how could he!? such cruelty, he definitely has no taste for true beauty... and Karen definitely do not show the right tastes to satisfy her appetite.
I shook the fantastical impressions I had for her out of my head. Mr. Lim already is about 4 meters away. I began to pull my captured arm with the same intensity that Karen is gripping my arm with.
3 meters, I could see that there is some form of unforeseen cooperation here. Karen let go of me! I kicked the gate with all my weight, the impact threw Karen off guard and she fell away into a pot of my mother's favorite herbs.
I side step in quick reflex, slipping under the lard filled arms of Mr. Lim. continuing the strife to the kitchen, that’s when I saw it. The gleaming beauty, my silver lining in this storm. The sharp kitchen knife laid on the stove side table, like the sword prepared for the king. I grabbed the handle and examined the blade. Despite the kitchen darkness and my vision fueled by the moonlight... The simple kitchen knife glowed in a simple radiance. The foot long knife looked like the weapon meant to kill, not to be insulted by facing daily chopping of vegetables or mishandled by using it for other purposes. That’s right, It’s a weapon, And now its my weapon that will grant me the freedom that I so long to have...
The opponent has arrived, I never felt so ready in my life to do something as significant as this... 2 monsters standing face to face, except that there is a possibility that the other may be immortal...
Welding the blade with my stronger right arm, I thrust into the monster's chest; I could feel the edge of the tool piercing into his flesh, passing meat, bones, organs... Yet, the same expression on his face, cept' for his sudden excitement for the fact that i am extremely within his reach. With a wide swing of his arms, he complacently attempted to grab me. This only gave me the chance to dive below the dining table, and in a quick succession, appeared behind him.Then with all my might, crowding the small handle with both my hands, I plunged the knife straight through the cranium, pushing in with all my body weight. Crack! I could hear loud splintering of bones, the smashing of organic matter, I know that i have hit home.
With the same effort i pulled the bloody blade out, and it made a sick slushy sound. Astonishingly, I realised that there wasnt much blood on the blade. I kinda expected blood to be all over the place... but this may be a blessing in disguise, i am still not sure how you will turn into one of them, it could be like the movies where if your blood is expose to their's you could get infected... I am not taking that risk...
Mr Lim stayed in the position for quite a while... I got no idea what is his condition like... I pray that he is finally put out of his misery. After all this, I am not really sure what to expect, I mean i never knew that zombies possesses any form of intelligence, but if I recalled correctly, Mr Lim did throw a brick to smash my bedroom window.
Out of curiousity, i took a step and stood near his front. Cold sweat from the adreline rush rolled down my arms, suspense made me gripped the knife harder. Peering at his face, I saw that his eyes were wide open and motionless, There wasnt much life in them in the first place. yet i could tell that he was more dead than he was just now. His lips curled into a snarl, as if something bad just happened to him. I wonder what went through his head just now. Haha, Hahahahaha, hahahaha... ha...I could not help it but laugh at my little joke. "Ughh" Mr Lim suddenly lunged at me, grabbing hold both my arms at the shoulder, I was petrified and could not respond. Isnt he suppose to stay still? I was suppose to win, what is going on? I was pretty sure he was dead!
Bearing teeth that had blacken from decay, he tried to take a bite at me, Crap they really do eat human!!!!!!!! He plunged his head towards my neck's left side, subconsciously I responded by pushing at his face. The force of Mr Lim's weight and thrust threw me to the ground. Landing hard to my back, I accidentally let out a small groan of pain...with all my might, and fueled by fear, i pushed like as if I were going to die, literally. I was nearing tears, yet continue to struggle to keep his head just distant from me, and the stench of rotting flesh is beginning to make me sick. Mr Lim, energised by some unknown force, pushing with uncoordinated, yet still as mighty, forward, trying to bite anything in his way, including the hands that placed around his neck. Crap, there's still so many things i wanna do in life, I do not want it to end here... God please I know i was complacent with myself just now, I really believe that i have things ahead that i have yet to accomplish, Lord save me.....
Suddenly there was a loud crash, sounds of metal crashing into the concrete ground. Mr Lim seemed to be too engrossed with trying to feed himself to notice. Struggling, I continued to push on with equal strength, somehow i do not think i could hold on forever... Then i heard it, a second one. Karen! she must have managed to push down the gates! that means no one is ever safe even in their house, who on earth can push down a door gate!? Yet Mr Lim still has not noticed his grand daughter, she stood upright next to him, as if she were here to greet him... This is bad, I got my hand full with one guy and she wants to join the party... This is getting from bad to worse...
End of Chapter 4
Chapter 4: The Other Monster
"Urgh...." The floor, spotted with his coagulated blood, thicken with oxidized decayed blood cells... The darkness of the outside corridor and my dim bedroom lights amplified the zombie's image.
Mr. Lim, with a retarded raise, looked at me, with his blood thirsty and bloodshot eyes. As his line of sight fell on me, he intensified his invasion. Cold beads of perspiration cloaked me, the adrenaline glands pumping like mad. Shit... My legs do not need repeating.
I ran out of my room, jumping over some of my dumped school books and the blood smeared brick. I dashed in an ungracely manner towards the living room, naturally began flipping the door latch open, I got to get the heck out of here. Strange, my legs were excited, i could have ran the physical education 2.4 kilometers in less than five minutes... However the rest of my body parts made me feel like a freakin' hypocrite. I was already sweating like it was raining indoors, my brain exhausted from all the mind games, the fumbling fingers not getting a grip on the door latch...
Calm down Ivan... He's not going to get you if you just CALM down and open the door! "uuuhhhh...."
I stole a glance at spot of the origin. Mr Lim lumbering towards me. His huge figure made the doorway look small, intimidating me further. Click! Finally the latch is off! farewell Mr Lim, I pray that someone puts you out of your misery soon. I flung the door wide opened, and took a step towards the gate. My eyes were still fascinated with the fact that I am looking at a real life out of the movie monster, All sympathies for the old man is lost, I only wanted to see him as an interesting threat to my survival. Farewell Mr Lim, it was nice knowing you. Peeling my eyes off him, I synchronized my feet and hands to the gate. I spin for the quick getaway, only to stop shortly. I let a small yelp escape from my mouth,
However it was not enough to dodge the arms of those determined to rip you apart... Arms so desperate for a human flesh, Karen, Mr. Lim's young grand-daughter... Karen not you too...
Her slender hands, already showing some signs of decay, groped tightly on my arm. She gripped me with unspeakable strength, I never knew she possessed such monstrous brawns; it was unexpected from the slim and beautiful lady. I stared at her beautiful face, studying what fascinated me time and time again. If I were not a Christian, I may have done something unpardonable because of her. Her long jet black hair, tempting big eyes, tight pouting lips, and her perfectly chiseled face. Her body was flawless, making her the perfect goddess of Singaporean girls.
Now here she is, Still as beautiful as ever, just that she has a chunk of lower right jaw missing.
Mr. Lim must have got to her, how could he!? such cruelty, he definitely has no taste for true beauty... and Karen definitely do not show the right tastes to satisfy her appetite.
I shook the fantastical impressions I had for her out of my head. Mr. Lim already is about 4 meters away. I began to pull my captured arm with the same intensity that Karen is gripping my arm with.
3 meters, I could see that there is some form of unforeseen cooperation here. Karen let go of me! I kicked the gate with all my weight, the impact threw Karen off guard and she fell away into a pot of my mother's favorite herbs.
I side step in quick reflex, slipping under the lard filled arms of Mr. Lim. continuing the strife to the kitchen, that’s when I saw it. The gleaming beauty, my silver lining in this storm. The sharp kitchen knife laid on the stove side table, like the sword prepared for the king. I grabbed the handle and examined the blade. Despite the kitchen darkness and my vision fueled by the moonlight... The simple kitchen knife glowed in a simple radiance. The foot long knife looked like the weapon meant to kill, not to be insulted by facing daily chopping of vegetables or mishandled by using it for other purposes. That’s right, It’s a weapon, And now its my weapon that will grant me the freedom that I so long to have...
The opponent has arrived, I never felt so ready in my life to do something as significant as this... 2 monsters standing face to face, except that there is a possibility that the other may be immortal...
Welding the blade with my stronger right arm, I thrust into the monster's chest; I could feel the edge of the tool piercing into his flesh, passing meat, bones, organs... Yet, the same expression on his face, cept' for his sudden excitement for the fact that i am extremely within his reach. With a wide swing of his arms, he complacently attempted to grab me. This only gave me the chance to dive below the dining table, and in a quick succession, appeared behind him.Then with all my might, crowding the small handle with both my hands, I plunged the knife straight through the cranium, pushing in with all my body weight. Crack! I could hear loud splintering of bones, the smashing of organic matter, I know that i have hit home.
With the same effort i pulled the bloody blade out, and it made a sick slushy sound. Astonishingly, I realised that there wasnt much blood on the blade. I kinda expected blood to be all over the place... but this may be a blessing in disguise, i am still not sure how you will turn into one of them, it could be like the movies where if your blood is expose to their's you could get infected... I am not taking that risk...
Mr Lim stayed in the position for quite a while... I got no idea what is his condition like... I pray that he is finally put out of his misery. After all this, I am not really sure what to expect, I mean i never knew that zombies possesses any form of intelligence, but if I recalled correctly, Mr Lim did throw a brick to smash my bedroom window.
Out of curiousity, i took a step and stood near his front. Cold sweat from the adreline rush rolled down my arms, suspense made me gripped the knife harder. Peering at his face, I saw that his eyes were wide open and motionless, There wasnt much life in them in the first place. yet i could tell that he was more dead than he was just now. His lips curled into a snarl, as if something bad just happened to him. I wonder what went through his head just now. Haha, Hahahahaha, hahahaha... ha...I could not help it but laugh at my little joke. "Ughh" Mr Lim suddenly lunged at me, grabbing hold both my arms at the shoulder, I was petrified and could not respond. Isnt he suppose to stay still? I was suppose to win, what is going on? I was pretty sure he was dead!
Bearing teeth that had blacken from decay, he tried to take a bite at me, Crap they really do eat human!!!!!!!! He plunged his head towards my neck's left side, subconsciously I responded by pushing at his face. The force of Mr Lim's weight and thrust threw me to the ground. Landing hard to my back, I accidentally let out a small groan of pain...with all my might, and fueled by fear, i pushed like as if I were going to die, literally. I was nearing tears, yet continue to struggle to keep his head just distant from me, and the stench of rotting flesh is beginning to make me sick. Mr Lim, energised by some unknown force, pushing with uncoordinated, yet still as mighty, forward, trying to bite anything in his way, including the hands that placed around his neck. Crap, there's still so many things i wanna do in life, I do not want it to end here... God please I know i was complacent with myself just now, I really believe that i have things ahead that i have yet to accomplish, Lord save me.....
Suddenly there was a loud crash, sounds of metal crashing into the concrete ground. Mr Lim seemed to be too engrossed with trying to feed himself to notice. Struggling, I continued to push on with equal strength, somehow i do not think i could hold on forever... Then i heard it, a second one. Karen! she must have managed to push down the gates! that means no one is ever safe even in their house, who on earth can push down a door gate!? Yet Mr Lim still has not noticed his grand daughter, she stood upright next to him, as if she were here to greet him... This is bad, I got my hand full with one guy and she wants to join the party... This is getting from bad to worse...
End of Chapter 4
Friday, February 2
"Mortified"
Chapter 3: The encounter Part 1
Bloody Hell! What the heck was that?
THUD! I could make vague judgments of the silhouette outside my opaque bedroom window. THUD! A sickening sound of something soft, squishy yet hard at the same time. THUD! Whatever it was its continuing its regime of tapping my window, i could sense its desires of intrusion. I leapt to my feet. I am starting to get numb from all this...
The sickening attacks on my window intensified. Bang! Bang! Bang! I fell , plying myself to the wall... my feet seems to have lost control. Cold perspiration rolled down my forehead. Then I heard it...
The groan of a zombie, there's no doubt about it. Its amazing how accurate all those movies are, the groans really do sound alike. The discovery however was not at all motivating...
I knelt and started to pray... ' Dear God, I really believe in you, whatever is your will, let it be done, but please help me , and all those whom i love to survive...' CRASH!!!
I opened my eyes, in front of me was fragments of acrylic form of glass, and specks of blood. My ears caught clear sounds this time. I reluctantly looked at the window. Zombie! In fact its my neighbor! Uncle Lim, Crap, they managed to get him? We stay on the fourteen story for crying out loud! Shit, poor uncle Lim.
But poor me, Here am I going to face the grim reaper himself. He managed to push his arm through the small whole he made on the window. He does not seem to mind the sharp edges of the whole slicing through his arm as he struggle to reach me, but in vain. My window is barricaded with a weak aluminum frame.
Poor me... And i have yet to tell my mum how much i really care for her... she might think i have turned into a juvenile deliquint since i do not talk much... Mum... I hope you are alright....
Standing in front of the struggling monster, i began to study it. His face were not decaying, but his skin color had turned to a dull grey, kinda like the color when you leave meat out in the air too long... his eyes however, were of extreme bloodshot. he do not seem to have abilities to move its mouth, or blink, however, i could tell its still breathing. Everytime it groaned, i could smell a slight putrid stench, like rotting flesh. Mr Lim, when i KNEW him, was rather frail for his size, for he is big, with a bulging stomach to match his pudgy arms. The Mr Lim i see now is nothing of his former self.
Suddenly he pulled his arm back out. I could tell from his groans that he is getting frustrated. For what? Do zombies really eat humans? Suddenly he began to drift away. I heaved a sigh of relief. I started to fall to the ground to rest from the intense encounter. Is it over for now?
CRASH!!!!!!!!! My eyes were wide open in wonder. A red brick flew past my face, just missing it by a few centimeters.As the destroyed window frame and fragments of my window seem to fall in slow motion, revealing Mr Lim, slumping forward from the throw, I picked myself up and ran to the living room. SHIT!!!!!! What on earth am I going to do now!? Stay at home, you will be most safe, YA RIGHT! thank you news casters. you just made my day worse.
Chapter 3: The encounter Part 1
Bloody Hell! What the heck was that?
THUD! I could make vague judgments of the silhouette outside my opaque bedroom window. THUD! A sickening sound of something soft, squishy yet hard at the same time. THUD! Whatever it was its continuing its regime of tapping my window, i could sense its desires of intrusion. I leapt to my feet. I am starting to get numb from all this...
The sickening attacks on my window intensified. Bang! Bang! Bang! I fell , plying myself to the wall... my feet seems to have lost control. Cold perspiration rolled down my forehead. Then I heard it...
The groan of a zombie, there's no doubt about it. Its amazing how accurate all those movies are, the groans really do sound alike. The discovery however was not at all motivating...
I knelt and started to pray... ' Dear God, I really believe in you, whatever is your will, let it be done, but please help me , and all those whom i love to survive...' CRASH!!!
I opened my eyes, in front of me was fragments of acrylic form of glass, and specks of blood. My ears caught clear sounds this time. I reluctantly looked at the window. Zombie! In fact its my neighbor! Uncle Lim, Crap, they managed to get him? We stay on the fourteen story for crying out loud! Shit, poor uncle Lim.
But poor me, Here am I going to face the grim reaper himself. He managed to push his arm through the small whole he made on the window. He does not seem to mind the sharp edges of the whole slicing through his arm as he struggle to reach me, but in vain. My window is barricaded with a weak aluminum frame.
Poor me... And i have yet to tell my mum how much i really care for her... she might think i have turned into a juvenile deliquint since i do not talk much... Mum... I hope you are alright....
Standing in front of the struggling monster, i began to study it. His face were not decaying, but his skin color had turned to a dull grey, kinda like the color when you leave meat out in the air too long... his eyes however, were of extreme bloodshot. he do not seem to have abilities to move its mouth, or blink, however, i could tell its still breathing. Everytime it groaned, i could smell a slight putrid stench, like rotting flesh. Mr Lim, when i KNEW him, was rather frail for his size, for he is big, with a bulging stomach to match his pudgy arms. The Mr Lim i see now is nothing of his former self.
Suddenly he pulled his arm back out. I could tell from his groans that he is getting frustrated. For what? Do zombies really eat humans? Suddenly he began to drift away. I heaved a sigh of relief. I started to fall to the ground to rest from the intense encounter. Is it over for now?
CRASH!!!!!!!!! My eyes were wide open in wonder. A red brick flew past my face, just missing it by a few centimeters.As the destroyed window frame and fragments of my window seem to fall in slow motion, revealing Mr Lim, slumping forward from the throw, I picked myself up and ran to the living room. SHIT!!!!!! What on earth am I going to do now!? Stay at home, you will be most safe, YA RIGHT! thank you news casters. you just made my day worse.
Thursday, February 1
Alrighto, I finally got some life back... must be becos i see no hope liao in some of the things i do. Bwa hahaha... Ok, I am thrilled to know i already have ONE fan for "Mortified". I wonder how well my story can proceed. Lets go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
"Mortified"
Chapter 2: Reality Check
My spine shook, the grievous face of decay lay flat on the screen. A face of A middle aged lady, I could tell that she was beautiful once, not anymore. It has to be a sick joke, or a movie. I cannot take this anymore, how bad can this day be?
"...Scene in which you see, the dead are walking again...", The background shows a mass of people, walking in a sloppy manner, in the bright street lights of Woodlands Area, people screaming, there's total chaos. " The Police are trying what they can to stop them" The scene looks like its taken from a helicopter, the reporters must be wimping out too. Funny, This scene is so satirical, in all stories, the police never win...
I dashed to the door, bolted it and made sure every window was shut, I do not want a single one of them to notice my presence. The poor kid, I can only pray that it really was just a bad joke, that did not went wrong...
I blacked the house out, and shifted the tv to a more secluded part of the living room. There i continue to watch, out of fear, and out of panic.
"... to stay in your home, all citizens who are watching this program, are to remain calm and to stay in your home. Lock all doors and wait for the police presence..." Stay calm? How to stay Calm? This is a nightmare, Got to be a dream...
I firmly pressed the power button. A Queer sound of the screen fading out , made me realise that there was another distinct ringing... My Handphone!
" Ivan! you ok? Thank God! Where are you now?" "Teng Yao! Teng Yao right? I am at home! I cant believe this is happening man, whats going on" I could feel my hands trembling, yet my heart beat calmly after hearing a familiar voice.
" I also don't know what is going on lah, My area quite badly affected, got many zombies near the east coast area... I thought this would be cool... I guess those games really are just games..." "I know man, don't chicken out, you should be safe. You stay in a terrace home, you better go make sure all those doors and windows are shut tight." "Kay, you wait ar..." A heavy tone of a gently dropped phone vibrated through the earpiece. teng yao's house is pretty big, he better make sure he lock down the entire house...
Hmmm, a minute passed, still no reply. This is rather annoying, In this kind of situation, you would be dashing around like a fool.
Ring Ring!!!
What the... my handphone rang, someone is calling through the second line. What! Its Teng Yao!
"Ivan! Shit! Shit! They got through the back door! Shit! ( I could hear him choke at his breath, fear dominated his voice) They got my Dad and silvia, Shit! Ivan, cant really talk to you now... If we ever do meet again, shit what am i saying, FREAK! ugh, whatever it is, God bless you, pray for me, i will be heading for the marine parade neighborhood police post!"
Silence, a awkward silence. the ground showed droplets of moist, I did not realize the tears flowing. This has got to be a nightmare. This cant be real. This cant be happening. What the hell is going on!?
I knelt, and begin to crumble myself into a tight ball. I could feel the pain of my clenched fist, and the uneasiness building up in the stomach. All this is happening too fast, Everything seemed fine just ten minutes ago, And now my whole world seemed to turn upside down.
'Get a grip idiot! Why do you always crumble in difficult situations!?' I remembered a time, probably two years ago, I was still in secondary school. I was not the brightest of the lot, could tell by my class, it seemed we were all on par. No one could get along, and cliques were blood brotherhoods. There were at least three dominant cliques in the class, one could see a Bermuda triangle in the class...
Everyone would mind their own business, even the teachers could not care less about whether we graduate or not. Although we were a Express stream class, we were seen as the black sheep of the school...
Then there was this day, Lionel, tall but of mediocre built, began flicking bottle caps around in class after a bell rang. it was pretty normal, i wasnt bothered, i continued to talk to my close pal, mervin. while engrossed talking about the latest console game, a stray bottle cap flew between us, knocking the window pane with a loud noise. We naturally replied with annoyed faces, And continued talking. Then another one came. Now that pissed me off, i began to shift my chair, but halted sharp before i could get up. What was i thinking, Thats lionel, I dont have the guts to talk to him. I began to calm down and face mervin again, however, as soon as i turned my head, i could feel the impact of a tiny round shape item at the back of my head.
That was it... I could not stand it anymore... I really want to just beat the idiot up. My eyes was red in anger, I could have killed someone without conscience. But i could not... I am just too afraid. I looked at mervin. He was already standing up.
" Oi! Asshole, you wanna pick on my brother here? Pick on someone else lah! Like your size!" Lionel's face twisted with rage. He came charging, flinging aside the table that stood between mervin and him. The flying table crashed into the teachers table, simultaneous with the powerful shove i felt by my side. I fell to my right, my arm cushioning my fall. Lionel grabbed Mervin by the collar, " So now you think you are my size? Punk! You are nowhere near me!" He pounded mervin's face mercilessly, the class stood in shock... no one could respond. I cant blame them. It was a Bloody sight... then mervin looked over at my side... "Ivan... Help me..."
I would never forget how i ran away in fear that day. I was gutless... Mervin was hospitalised, and had a some damage in some area of the brain. Now he would have sudden spasm attacks, and he cant talk properly... He got transfered to a special school. As for Lionel, he got expelled... From that day on until we graduated, noone seriously confided in me. I was an outcast.
The tears flowed a agony, I curled myself up and lay on the floor. I suddenly lost all motivation to move.I would just lay here till help arrived...
Suddenly, A loud thud banged against my bedroom window.
End of chapter 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woah, ok this time the story a little draggy , 2 chapters and its based on just fifteen minutes of activity. interesting... now i am pretty satisfied once again. Alright till next time. Night!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
"Mortified"
Chapter 2: Reality Check
My spine shook, the grievous face of decay lay flat on the screen. A face of A middle aged lady, I could tell that she was beautiful once, not anymore. It has to be a sick joke, or a movie. I cannot take this anymore, how bad can this day be?
"...Scene in which you see, the dead are walking again...", The background shows a mass of people, walking in a sloppy manner, in the bright street lights of Woodlands Area, people screaming, there's total chaos. " The Police are trying what they can to stop them" The scene looks like its taken from a helicopter, the reporters must be wimping out too. Funny, This scene is so satirical, in all stories, the police never win...
I dashed to the door, bolted it and made sure every window was shut, I do not want a single one of them to notice my presence. The poor kid, I can only pray that it really was just a bad joke, that did not went wrong...
I blacked the house out, and shifted the tv to a more secluded part of the living room. There i continue to watch, out of fear, and out of panic.
"... to stay in your home, all citizens who are watching this program, are to remain calm and to stay in your home. Lock all doors and wait for the police presence..." Stay calm? How to stay Calm? This is a nightmare, Got to be a dream...
I firmly pressed the power button. A Queer sound of the screen fading out , made me realise that there was another distinct ringing... My Handphone!
" Ivan! you ok? Thank God! Where are you now?" "Teng Yao! Teng Yao right? I am at home! I cant believe this is happening man, whats going on" I could feel my hands trembling, yet my heart beat calmly after hearing a familiar voice.
" I also don't know what is going on lah, My area quite badly affected, got many zombies near the east coast area... I thought this would be cool... I guess those games really are just games..." "I know man, don't chicken out, you should be safe. You stay in a terrace home, you better go make sure all those doors and windows are shut tight." "Kay, you wait ar..." A heavy tone of a gently dropped phone vibrated through the earpiece. teng yao's house is pretty big, he better make sure he lock down the entire house...
Hmmm, a minute passed, still no reply. This is rather annoying, In this kind of situation, you would be dashing around like a fool.
Ring Ring!!!
What the... my handphone rang, someone is calling through the second line. What! Its Teng Yao!
"Ivan! Shit! Shit! They got through the back door! Shit! ( I could hear him choke at his breath, fear dominated his voice) They got my Dad and silvia, Shit! Ivan, cant really talk to you now... If we ever do meet again, shit what am i saying, FREAK! ugh, whatever it is, God bless you, pray for me, i will be heading for the marine parade neighborhood police post!"
Silence, a awkward silence. the ground showed droplets of moist, I did not realize the tears flowing. This has got to be a nightmare. This cant be real. This cant be happening. What the hell is going on!?
I knelt, and begin to crumble myself into a tight ball. I could feel the pain of my clenched fist, and the uneasiness building up in the stomach. All this is happening too fast, Everything seemed fine just ten minutes ago, And now my whole world seemed to turn upside down.
'Get a grip idiot! Why do you always crumble in difficult situations!?' I remembered a time, probably two years ago, I was still in secondary school. I was not the brightest of the lot, could tell by my class, it seemed we were all on par. No one could get along, and cliques were blood brotherhoods. There were at least three dominant cliques in the class, one could see a Bermuda triangle in the class...
Everyone would mind their own business, even the teachers could not care less about whether we graduate or not. Although we were a Express stream class, we were seen as the black sheep of the school...
Then there was this day, Lionel, tall but of mediocre built, began flicking bottle caps around in class after a bell rang. it was pretty normal, i wasnt bothered, i continued to talk to my close pal, mervin. while engrossed talking about the latest console game, a stray bottle cap flew between us, knocking the window pane with a loud noise. We naturally replied with annoyed faces, And continued talking. Then another one came. Now that pissed me off, i began to shift my chair, but halted sharp before i could get up. What was i thinking, Thats lionel, I dont have the guts to talk to him. I began to calm down and face mervin again, however, as soon as i turned my head, i could feel the impact of a tiny round shape item at the back of my head.
That was it... I could not stand it anymore... I really want to just beat the idiot up. My eyes was red in anger, I could have killed someone without conscience. But i could not... I am just too afraid. I looked at mervin. He was already standing up.
" Oi! Asshole, you wanna pick on my brother here? Pick on someone else lah! Like your size!" Lionel's face twisted with rage. He came charging, flinging aside the table that stood between mervin and him. The flying table crashed into the teachers table, simultaneous with the powerful shove i felt by my side. I fell to my right, my arm cushioning my fall. Lionel grabbed Mervin by the collar, " So now you think you are my size? Punk! You are nowhere near me!" He pounded mervin's face mercilessly, the class stood in shock... no one could respond. I cant blame them. It was a Bloody sight... then mervin looked over at my side... "Ivan... Help me..."
I would never forget how i ran away in fear that day. I was gutless... Mervin was hospitalised, and had a some damage in some area of the brain. Now he would have sudden spasm attacks, and he cant talk properly... He got transfered to a special school. As for Lionel, he got expelled... From that day on until we graduated, noone seriously confided in me. I was an outcast.
The tears flowed a agony, I curled myself up and lay on the floor. I suddenly lost all motivation to move.I would just lay here till help arrived...
Suddenly, A loud thud banged against my bedroom window.
End of chapter 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Woah, ok this time the story a little draggy , 2 chapters and its based on just fifteen minutes of activity. interesting... now i am pretty satisfied once again. Alright till next time. Night!
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