Today is 28th of april 2007. I shouldnt be doing this now, cos i am rushing to help my mum to do the goceries then rush off to church for worship practice. But I just thought of typing this down before I lose these memories.

Just completed a series titled, 14 sai no haha ( 14 year old mother ). It talks about the struggles of a 14 year old girl, who wants to give birth to her baby no matter the cost. Although its emotional and more suited for girls, i found myself hooked to every of the 11 episodes.

From the show, I learnt above how precious life can be. That we should treasure it with whatever the costs. Cos sometimes in life we make mistakes. And some time it comes down hard on us. But what matter the most is how we pick up ourselves and carry on the fight.

Life on earth is a fight. No one goes through a easy life. If you are going through easy now, its always at the expense of somebody. Life is harsh. But God gave us the ability to live through these, thats why we must fight the good fight.

Also the show taught me to decide for myself. Up till now i still am a yes-man, and a crowd pleaser. But i realised that thats what i like to do. I like to see people smiling and talking. I like to see people hugging one another, shaking hands, or even just nodding at one another. I just want to see when friends share deep emotions and strengthen innocent ties as brothers and sisters.

God I would do anything to see the YF to become the most enjoyable YF in the whole world. I want to see them happy. I want to smile and bring your joy into their hearts.

Although I myself suffer alot, due to stress, loniness, busyness, a family that cannot understand... I still want to enjoy every session of YF. I want to see people happy praying, worshipping, fellowshipping, learning God's word. God I would do anything.

Thats why I decided, that today onwards, i will put a smile on my face, no matter how bad the times are, no matter how lonely i am. I do not want to upset the people around me anymore. I just want to make them happy.

Thank God I watched the series, I benefitted from it. Haha, I bet some of you are gonna condemn me gay or sissy after this. But its ok. I will just have to accept the consequence and just press on.

Ivan out!

Banging on the Casio Keyboard as if i just found a long lost friend. The Notes that fills the air, ring with such nostalgic resonance. Chord after chords, I came up with new tunes, reviving whatever memory of the sensations i had about 10 years ago.

I found my new partner in crime, my keyboard. I was playing the guitar, plucking away tunes from this book i recently bought, 50 easy classical guitar pieces, and then got hit by some inspiration, music transfered from my fingers into the too old keyboard. I hope to hit the right notes in due time, but i realised that i have only been playing everything by feel...

Thats dangerous, playing by feel. It limits your capabilities, makes you think that you have to maintain your style, stay original and dun be a cover. But how to learn if you dun play pieces brought together by famous people, like mozart and paul gilbert?

I met quite a few people who like to play by feel. I am one of them. They cant go far. Why? cos they like their own style too much to learn new ones. Kinda EGO thing? You play, it sounds good, you keep it, and you use it for that particular song all the way.

Anyway, I really missed playing on the keyboard. Its cool, simple to generate tunes, more organised, and less harder to improvise than the guitar. Less stuff to memorise as well. Guitar shredding is nuts, but on the piano is chicken feet.

Today school was soso, managed to get through class, distracted by a comic i borrowed from a recently made friend, and some bad and good jokes i made. Overall, I hope i did not miss much.

School is so routine man... We just got nothing to celebrate about after seeing each other after our attachment period. I hardly wanted to talk to anyone as well, just thinking about talking gives me headaches

Dun get me wrong, i love talking, its just that, i really got nothing to talk about, I mean, why is it that you must communicate to have companionship? I would just love to spend one day, sitting and doing stuff, with a friend, without much talking. but then again that kinda sucks, and should leave it for the romantic moments.

How i long for the day to sit side by side with the girl that God has prepared for me. We wont have to look at each other, we have fallen too deep in a sentimental state of mind. We would stare at the sea, feel the breeze of the ocean, admire the skies and the sand. We would be alone, just admiring the quietness, and beauty of everything around us. Our minds would be pure, our leaning on each other would not tempt, there will be no lust in my mind, just joy and gladness for my love.

The trees would shelter us, shadowing us when its too hot, shelter us when it drizzles. She would snug and cuddle up to me for warmth, i would gladly offer. It would be the most intimate, wonderful period of my life, a time i look forward everytime.

And now and then we would gaze into each other eyes, admiring the pupils, and looking deep into each other souls. entranced we would smile, for we have fallen deeply in love.my arm would be around her shoulder, she would look up to me for comfort and security. And i would give her what she asks for.

We would sit there, allowing the people around us to be ignored, like as if they were never there. The sun would rise, and set. We would doze off in each others arms, and never be afraid of each other, for we will always be there for each other.

How i long for that day. Sad to say not many girls i know nowadays like a guys who do nothing but sit and admire nature. They prefer shopping, clubbing, social activities, stuff like that. They like conversationalist, jokers and jerks. No more gentle, quiet guys.

Ya I know, I am not quiet. I can be super noisy and nonsensical. But really, thats my romantic side, I suck. I flirt as if i am super nice, bring you all out, but then actually i got nothing much installed.

I really cant seem to let it out of my head. How many times, I look at the streets, television shows, ads, families... And i just want to enjoy the same companionship that God created us for. What so wrong about that?

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

funny, no matter how i scream in cyber space, it will never be heard...
felt...
It would be seen like a joke.

Ivan's a joke, He going about life, but actually he got no life.
actually i do have a life, but...
But what? you cant handle your emotions, you suck...
You cant blame me, i am only human...
Humans have relationships, you cant even handle one...
Thats not true, i have friends...
then why are you complaining about no companionship?
I am talking about my life partn...
partner? Ivan, no girl would want a low life like you...
Thats not true, i know girls like me...
Then why do they never approach you?
Thats... I dunno...
Cos You are nothing but just a flirt!
I am not!
Admit, you enjoyed every moment of it...
I guess i do... but...
But what? Girls will never feel secure around you!
But why? as if they know...
Swallow your stinking pride and see that girls hate you.
But how can that be?
Look at your partner in attachment, see how she resents you...
it was a mistake...
You keep justifying yourself... you are the mistake!
NO! I am not a mistake... why are you always tormenting me?
Torment? More like enlightening you, you jack ass...
Who are you?
I am you...
ME?
A part of you that desires you to think right, do right, live right...
If you are part of me, then why am i so wrong?
cos it sucks to be right...
yes it does...
Nobody would want a goody two shoes...
Or a serving boy...
Or a pushover...
I can see who you are now...
I come and develop myself...
through the bible, i know.
now that you know who i am, listen to what i have to say...
Listen, why cant you act?
I cant, i cant force you... i can only advice you...
But why? Do i deserve anything?
You just need to stop thinking about these things...
but its so hard...
you just have to talk to people, and stop talking to me...
but i have no one to talk to...
then talk to me, but never lack friends.
I thought i never...
but you are not putting effort into maintaining friendships...
Why do i always have to be the one?!
Cos they wont do it you idiot.
i know God prepared a girl for me...
she wont be here...
Wh... WHY!?
cos in your sinfulness, God knows that you would taint her again.
Again? she has been desecrated?
like you have desecrated some...
But i know God forgave me...
And so have he cleanse the girl he wants to present to you...
but my hands are still dirty...
take them away...
my eyes flicker in mischief...
take them away...
my heart lusts...
take it away...
my brain corrupts...
take it away...
Lord, when will i ever see her?
Only in prayer, can you hold on to my words and persevere.
but why?
You are destined for things... there is no time for girls now...
destined?
Destined... for my glory.

Yo welcome back again for another whole new episode of the life of the rare christian I.V.A.N.O. ( machiam i some kind of superstar like that ) haha

I got great aspirations, and my whole family ( mycousins ) will be involved! Imagine this!

My band's music--------Kellie's contacts
- -
- Great -
- Show! -
- -
- -
Lester's dance --------- Mel's Designs
crew


Eh! Together, we're entertainment! haha!

Anyway, School is starting tomorrow, always have that anxious feeling, guess i still aint cool enough to take anything coming my way. Got the timetable and stuff, kinda sucky cos there is this chance that the whole class has split, i wont be with the rest, its like starting all over again.

Attachment ended with us giving out ferrero roshe' out to everyone, saying our thanks and byes. Mr Lim the boss of the company sent us off with questions like...

Mr Lim: "So, Chinn Yi, ask him wat i asked you earlier?"

CY: " er... He asked us, how would you answer if a guy asks you something that you are not specialized in?"

Me: "erm, i will try to get back to him, go back and do a little research?"

Mr Lim: "Ok... You should say 'Because i am only trained to that level!'"

ok.... wth lah, wat a way to send us off. quite diao. Anyway. I met some of the guys later, and went to have seoul garden, where we were trying to kill each other with jealousy. then went to k box to sing through the night. Man, do they have lousy selection of english songs. All chinese. But hey! I learnt quite a bit. Sang with them quite a few jay chou songs, wei lan, sun yan ze, tank. I was like watching them sing like 80% of the 4 hours we spent there. Cos i was bored, i try to learn chinese while they were singing. But nothing to do, so i keep drinking. TIGER! ICE COLD. bwa haha. Then i did not go drunk but became extremely tired, because i slept only 5 hours the day b4. Then when i sing, i cant sing properly. My throat becomes quite bad when i drink. Then i help to clear my colleagues cup, man... So pai seh. Back at the company i was giving the impression that i can sing, cos sometimes i practice in the workshop, cos very noisy there, they shouldnt be able to hear me ( but thats one of the reason i am quite deaf )

Oh well, It seems like i am going to lose contacts with them. but i really like them alot, but i am really like on diff frequency with them leh, and they always speak chinese. Its really straining to be with them, cos i trying hard to hear what they say, cos they speak quite fast, and then interpret and understand. Then they always wonder why i so quiet, cos i dunno what to say, and when i respond, i sound weird.... darn it. I really want to learn chinese, but i dun really have people guiding me. I wanna sing chinese songs too...

Today, I couldnt go to church cos my body gave up after all that moving around. I just needed the morning to rest. And I really am touched. I dunno what my mum said to some of the youths, but they start smsing me to tell me to get well soon? Funny cos i was not really sick, just chao ta for a while. I getting sappy now, feeling too touched, i wanna cry.

Getting really tired of going to church nowadays, I wonder where are the good ol times where i can enjoy my times in church. Now i just go to church hitting upon assignments, and tasks. But i hold on to Aunty SH words, Its an honor to strive for the Lord. I will strive all the way for the YF if i need to. Now as chairman and worship coordinator, I am trying my best upon my busy lifestyle to study as much music and organising skills to improve how i run things.

Learnt alot from organising the big bang worship. I can see that the band wanna stick together. I am touched. Maybe i have decided to split into 3 bands. And that its a permanent one, cos of band chemistry and style adaptations.

I really am sad when i find it hard to work with Norman... Maybe he is too good for us? I just cant help it but crumble whenever i see the "professional" image hanging on him... Then he wonder why i cant control the situation... Then when i pull myself together and make a musical stand, he got his comments... I dunno... Then he got his problems of coming as and when he likes... And he keeps complaining how busy he is. Actually everyone is as busy, so am i. but he just makes me feel bad all the time... Like as if i really suck in the things i do. But he greatly influenced me to become something else, actually i began listening to classical music long before, because i saw him and Yang hui singing, i was jealous, and thought of becoming the one who will sing by her. Now i still want to sing with her, but not really because of relationships reasons now.

He also shown me that it is possible to make it out there in the entertainment industries. I always wanted to try and see how it is out there during my non white hair periods.

His singing style is also quite influencial. I sing high and used forcetos often to reach high notes, maybe thats the reason of my increasing range of notes. Cos i am naturally a bass but i wanna sing high, i increase my range when i train in singing both classical and modern songs.

Haha, and then there is hazel, thanks to her and lester, i wanna learn dancing as well. Lester always keeps me update with the modern dance world, while sometimes hazel teaches me some classical dance terms. I wanna learn more.

Keyboards, Its thanks to people like yanghui and bernice who influenced me. And I realised that if i pursue this area, my songwriting capabilities will improve. Cos its easier on the piano to bring out the melody, cos guitar you depend on chords and vocals, so you make something within your range, but with the piano, you can go further. Look forward to more of my songs friends.

some Songs i have written so far ( there are others, but these are the better ones) In Chronological order:

- Love display
- I wanna be like Jesus
- Sacred Place
- I need you
- Life (performed by VertiCross)

By the way, my band VertiCross is striving to do something while we still can to break into the music world with our lively and optimistic J ROCK!

About the 3 bands for the worship teams? maybe i should make Norman a leader? he is better sometimes doing control himself? or not yuki and steffi seperate? then it will be something like this

team 1 - Ivan, Don, justin/brandon, bernice
team 2 - Steffi, paul, eunice, andrew
team 3 - Yuki or Norman and dunno who is going to play the other instruments...

Argh! darn it, not enough people. And so many worships sessions to oversee. I should start recruiting guitarists liao!

Argh! why am i so noob! I hate it when i cant organise things! And with the limited level of music i have, i cannot bring the ministry far! I want to bring better and greater worship for God and for the people. but why why WHY!

Then there is my studies to compete with! I lost all interests in my studies already, but i need to complete it and try my best to do well to get my rice bowl.

Lord i really wanna do well in music, for you, for myself. I realised after a while that its not about the people anymore, its me... I still dream of shredding at insane speeds, releasing harmonious and angelic melodies, with high techniques and musical values, all of this in front of the altar. God why!?

Why are there so many things that hinder my way? And on top of that, my laziness. ARgh why?

And there is the Relationship gap in my heart to contend with. Why? Then the role as a responsible christian chairman, teacher, worshiper, counsellor, son, friend... Its so tiring... I hardly can satisfy myself... I am always looking for cheap and quick thrills to satisfy my heart. And then i also meditate upon the Lord, checking with the Holy Spirit that dwells in me, to cultivate myself...

I am not satisfied with so many things in my life... I am afraid that i will return to the Lord unsatisfied... very afraid...

Alright to my long lost brothers and sister, cold turkeyed peeps and far away frenz! I will try to blog as much as possible from now on. sry if i had cause any form of inconvenience by depriving you of my nonsense, i pray you gain back your sanity as soon as you read finish this entry!

~~~~~BLOG GOG OOG GO! (anyhow type)~~~~

Argh it's been a while, since when i last entered blogger.com
Actually i have been trying to blog, then always too emo then never finish any entry. darn! haha.

Hmm, i getting quite used to my busy lifestyle already, its the only time in my life where i can invest everything i can into the things i wanna do! Here's my schedule like

Monday - Keyboards at Believer Music
Tuesday - chorale (if any) or not its going to be my jamming day liao :)
Wednesday - Kairos (highly recommended)
Thurday - BS in Church
Friday - Hopefully it can be our dedicated day for worship practice :)
Saturday - Church ( YF! )
Sunday - Morning service and Starting vocals ! FUUUUU!

haha, dunno why i so happy. although i have been a bit strained by a certain sister in christ now...

Nowadays i have a tendancy to pay too much attention to girls? Maybe because i have been single for quite a while? I realized that if i just be friendly to them, i tend to think lesser about relationships and prob emo lesser. I mean singleness is a great thing, cos i will prob spend the rest of my life with the special babe that God has in plan for me. My colleague, she tends to emo at times, intro me to this song, My prayer by Devotion it kinda go like this...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Devotion - My Prayer Lyrics


In a dream I hold you close
Embracing you with my hands
You gazed at me
With eyes full of love
And made me understand
That I was meant to share with you
My heart, my mind, my soul
Then I opened my eyes
And All I see
Reality shows I'm alone
But I know someday that you'll be by my side
Cuz i know God's just waiting till the time is right

Chorus:
God, would you keep me safe from the thunderstorm
When the day is cold
When you keep me warm
When darkness falls
Will you please shine her the way
God, will you let her know
That I love her so
And there's no one there
That she's not alone
Just close her eyes
And let her know
My heart is beating with hers

So I pray until that day
When our hearts will beat as one
I will wait so patiently
For that day to come
I know someday that you'll be by my side
Cuz I know God's just waiting till the time is right

(Repeat Chorus)

Its beating with hers
My heart is beating with hers
Its beating with hers

(Repeat Chorus)

Ohhh...
Its beating with hers...

Its beating with hers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pretty meaningful stuff ya? I was quite amazed at how the lyrics really describes how i feel right now. God i pray that you keep that Girl you have for me in your loving arms and bless her in her ministry and that she loves you as much as i do!

Girls aside ( gals, dun feel sad, i love (brotherly) you all the same, deep from the heart! ), I am pretty sad yet glad that attachment is coming to a end. Kinda worried to how i am going to do my report. Pretty stressed. But thanks to God i met many fun people in there.

Mr Yio - Thanks for inviting me to your hokkien service and allowed me to indirectly take my first step to reaching to my grandmother, and for teaching me Songs from Israel Alive, and hokkien songs as well.

Mr Fred Paul - for giving me advice on how to sing, and teaching me how to be a great mechanic and about body building! you were fun and taught me pretty lots of useful and useless stuff!

mr Woon - Who patiently taught me in the first few weeks, you showed me a insight on how to play pool and dismantle machines in ingenious ways, you also allowed me to do things my ways and tolerated my dozing off when tightening and releasing bolts...

Mr wilfredo - my supervisor who always smiles and talks personally to me, I thank God for you as my instructor, and pray tat your son will grow up as funny and "diligent" in life.

Mr Wang - who thought highly of me, and although you can be a pain to talk to since you can chatter non stop, i feel like i am very close to you, must be the incident when you and wilfredo fought over me... haha. Thanks for reintroducing me to Autocad and informing me about the PS3, and letting me get back in touch with my genre of music i almost lost : J rock.

Choi Leng - although i personally felt that you tend to flirt with me alot, ( felt weird cos i hear from everyone esp. from the attachment students that you can be vicious to them) I really enjoy seeing your smile.

Mrs Lim - The lady boss who overlooks my late coming and wasting of company resources, you always check to make sure i have all my salary claimed and somehow seems to always give hints to just take overtime pay... ( AH! cannot take advantage!)

Omar - Rock on you malay man! You sold me your prized effect kit and always offered to repair my elec guitar. Thanks man. And you always somehow make all of us laugh. stay rocked out dude til you die k?

Shuu Fee - Was shocked to hear that you were younger than me by 5 months, not sure i old or you young. haha. But hey try to love your boyfriend, although you always complain how boring he is. I aint worth chasing, believe me.

Mr Ong - You can be a real pain in the @S3 at times, but you always respond to me whenever i ask questions.... forgive you for now.

Wu guo and Han wei - You china dudes always making fun of my chinese. Thanks to god that i know enough to make sure that you arent making fun of me!Thanks for lending your bikes to me whenever i need them though.

Saha - thanks for introducing me to the world of friendly cyber hacking. i never really had a hacker friend like you before, cos Don is fixing stuff, you like to break into stuff. I will try to stay in contact with you via email. Lets learn crazy stuff together man!

Sahu - you really needed the break man, dun come back to singapore til you are satisfied, working in Hi Tech can be pretty stressful. but be thankful man, not many companies would take a electrician in nowadays.

Dr Zhang - you communicated to me in chinese! i feel so proud, i thought you will never use mother tongue to communicate with anyone, since my colleague says so. haha

Ah tay - who relied heavily on me to supply him fresh mp3 all the time. I feel so used.

Shree - Man, i pray you will stop satisfying your beastly desires and try to fit into humanity, you not scared to get AIDS ar you! darn it.

Soh - Got to know you for a short while, but you were great to work with! Haha, we mechanic 3! we dismantle and assemble at the speed of light! man put on some muscles lah, how you carry a hammer like that! just joking, you got better stamina than me... darn it...

Mokash - I am pretty jealous of you, since you have a cute boy face although you are 25, and always attract my female colleague's attention. How i wish she would pay more attention to me and maybe we can work faster...

Ah hock - darn it man, you always seem to backstab anyone. maybe you got nothing better to do? Increase your portfolio and stop slacking lah.

Ahsari - Thanks for teaching me music mr elvis, and for showing me how to talk abit. Although the rest may not like you as much, i still think you are cool. Stay cool man.

Mr Lim - Mr head honcho, i pray that you will grow up and make decisions on the spot and stop making us play guessing games about what you really want. Darn it lah, act boss can be quite a stressful thing ya? but please try to communicate with the workers more, we would appreciate it.

Okok, thats like to all my colleagues except for those from SP, will dedicate for you another time.

Talking about getting back with my genre, i cant wait for school to start! I will be jamming like mad to increase the bands songlist and I WILL BE LEARNING DRIVING! FUUUU! dun waste anymore time liao Ivan! lets drive and after that convince the family to allow you to take bike license and drive a sports bike! FUUUUUU!

Quite amazed that my curriculum includes all the instruments, i playing regularly keyboards, guitar, drums, and singing. Maybe one day i can start a band called "me myself and Ivan" haha

Girls girls girls. Cant live with em and cant live without them. Sometimes i attract them and sometimes repel them. That sucks, i really would want to be friends with you. I am learning to to anyhow think of you if you wear terrible little liao. haha,although singapore is hot, its not that hot, put on something decent please, like i dun have enough probs liao, i trying to control my mind ar!

Although i am trying to curb my sexual nature in check, its terrible, i getting drawback symptoms like that... but i must persevere with the help of the Holy Spirit!

OKOK i talk alot this time, forgive, rest well and Good nIGHTo!

Ivan out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FUUUUUU~~~~~~~~~~~~~

haha