Banging on the Casio Keyboard as if i just found a long lost friend. The Notes that fills the air, ring with such nostalgic resonance. Chord after chords, I came up with new tunes, reviving whatever memory of the sensations i had about 10 years ago.

I found my new partner in crime, my keyboard. I was playing the guitar, plucking away tunes from this book i recently bought, 50 easy classical guitar pieces, and then got hit by some inspiration, music transfered from my fingers into the too old keyboard. I hope to hit the right notes in due time, but i realised that i have only been playing everything by feel...

Thats dangerous, playing by feel. It limits your capabilities, makes you think that you have to maintain your style, stay original and dun be a cover. But how to learn if you dun play pieces brought together by famous people, like mozart and paul gilbert?

I met quite a few people who like to play by feel. I am one of them. They cant go far. Why? cos they like their own style too much to learn new ones. Kinda EGO thing? You play, it sounds good, you keep it, and you use it for that particular song all the way.

Anyway, I really missed playing on the keyboard. Its cool, simple to generate tunes, more organised, and less harder to improvise than the guitar. Less stuff to memorise as well. Guitar shredding is nuts, but on the piano is chicken feet.

Today school was soso, managed to get through class, distracted by a comic i borrowed from a recently made friend, and some bad and good jokes i made. Overall, I hope i did not miss much.

School is so routine man... We just got nothing to celebrate about after seeing each other after our attachment period. I hardly wanted to talk to anyone as well, just thinking about talking gives me headaches

Dun get me wrong, i love talking, its just that, i really got nothing to talk about, I mean, why is it that you must communicate to have companionship? I would just love to spend one day, sitting and doing stuff, with a friend, without much talking. but then again that kinda sucks, and should leave it for the romantic moments.

How i long for the day to sit side by side with the girl that God has prepared for me. We wont have to look at each other, we have fallen too deep in a sentimental state of mind. We would stare at the sea, feel the breeze of the ocean, admire the skies and the sand. We would be alone, just admiring the quietness, and beauty of everything around us. Our minds would be pure, our leaning on each other would not tempt, there will be no lust in my mind, just joy and gladness for my love.

The trees would shelter us, shadowing us when its too hot, shelter us when it drizzles. She would snug and cuddle up to me for warmth, i would gladly offer. It would be the most intimate, wonderful period of my life, a time i look forward everytime.

And now and then we would gaze into each other eyes, admiring the pupils, and looking deep into each other souls. entranced we would smile, for we have fallen deeply in love.my arm would be around her shoulder, she would look up to me for comfort and security. And i would give her what she asks for.

We would sit there, allowing the people around us to be ignored, like as if they were never there. The sun would rise, and set. We would doze off in each others arms, and never be afraid of each other, for we will always be there for each other.

How i long for that day. Sad to say not many girls i know nowadays like a guys who do nothing but sit and admire nature. They prefer shopping, clubbing, social activities, stuff like that. They like conversationalist, jokers and jerks. No more gentle, quiet guys.

Ya I know, I am not quiet. I can be super noisy and nonsensical. But really, thats my romantic side, I suck. I flirt as if i am super nice, bring you all out, but then actually i got nothing much installed.

I really cant seem to let it out of my head. How many times, I look at the streets, television shows, ads, families... And i just want to enjoy the same companionship that God created us for. What so wrong about that?

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

funny, no matter how i scream in cyber space, it will never be heard...
felt...
It would be seen like a joke.

Ivan's a joke, He going about life, but actually he got no life.
actually i do have a life, but...
But what? you cant handle your emotions, you suck...
You cant blame me, i am only human...
Humans have relationships, you cant even handle one...
Thats not true, i have friends...
then why are you complaining about no companionship?
I am talking about my life partn...
partner? Ivan, no girl would want a low life like you...
Thats not true, i know girls like me...
Then why do they never approach you?
Thats... I dunno...
Cos You are nothing but just a flirt!
I am not!
Admit, you enjoyed every moment of it...
I guess i do... but...
But what? Girls will never feel secure around you!
But why? as if they know...
Swallow your stinking pride and see that girls hate you.
But how can that be?
Look at your partner in attachment, see how she resents you...
it was a mistake...
You keep justifying yourself... you are the mistake!
NO! I am not a mistake... why are you always tormenting me?
Torment? More like enlightening you, you jack ass...
Who are you?
I am you...
ME?
A part of you that desires you to think right, do right, live right...
If you are part of me, then why am i so wrong?
cos it sucks to be right...
yes it does...
Nobody would want a goody two shoes...
Or a serving boy...
Or a pushover...
I can see who you are now...
I come and develop myself...
through the bible, i know.
now that you know who i am, listen to what i have to say...
Listen, why cant you act?
I cant, i cant force you... i can only advice you...
But why? Do i deserve anything?
You just need to stop thinking about these things...
but its so hard...
you just have to talk to people, and stop talking to me...
but i have no one to talk to...
then talk to me, but never lack friends.
I thought i never...
but you are not putting effort into maintaining friendships...
Why do i always have to be the one?!
Cos they wont do it you idiot.
i know God prepared a girl for me...
she wont be here...
Wh... WHY!?
cos in your sinfulness, God knows that you would taint her again.
Again? she has been desecrated?
like you have desecrated some...
But i know God forgave me...
And so have he cleanse the girl he wants to present to you...
but my hands are still dirty...
take them away...
my eyes flicker in mischief...
take them away...
my heart lusts...
take it away...
my brain corrupts...
take it away...
Lord, when will i ever see her?
Only in prayer, can you hold on to my words and persevere.
but why?
You are destined for things... there is no time for girls now...
destined?
Destined... for my glory.