Moshi Mosh Guys! I wanna try something new with this rickety no purpose site which sits amongst million of other sites that could be in the same state as this, to some use.

As a aspiring guitar player, I wanna share the world and discover the great world of music with you. Most of all, To share how God is in the big PICTURE!

I know its rather ridiculous, but i wanna play the guitar, I wanna rock a stage with a burning fretboard in my humble hands. Its something i really wanna do of late...

But I suck. I cant play properly. I hit chromatics the whole fretboard only at like 60 bpm... Thats slow. I cant shred, arpeggios, sweep, mode, scale... ar watever you name it, I probably cant play it.

Still a noob. But i wanna admit first of all that I am a noob. I am willing to learn and I personally feel that perseverance is the key to success (not that item you DOTA freaks!)

So here's a question for all of you to ponder.

" Whats music to you "

Okok, so those of you who are looking at this site now. Just leave a comment

gonna pound the guitar now. night

20/5/87

the day i was born

20/5/07

Current Situation : Now Lying in bed, recovering from a cold flu i recieved a day before...

Not your ideal birthday situation isnt it.

Sure i wished i was better, go to church and Worship God while getting greetings from the others, I dun feel a bit deprived a little bit.

Though I do feel however that i should not have missed service yesterday and today... my mum said that the message was impactful. But due to unforeseen circumstances and what seemed more important, being there for someone in times of need.

Sure, excuses. but hey, someone was better and I thank God for that.

But yesterday was one pleasant surprise after another. Started out at youth yesterday.

I did not expect anything maybe because i thought they celebrating birthday only in june... then when i saw Don announcing that its my birthday, I was like "ah, saboh..." Then when i turn back, I saw that big cake with my name on it. then i went "wha..." I was shocked, flabbergasted. Stacy then brought the cake to me... I was too happy to say anything already...

Then my mum and I were late for dinner. Uncle He Meng, drove us there although out of the way. to the mandarin hotel, pine courts. My aunt wanted a celebration there as a birthday gift to me. thank God we reached on time. By that time, i was already confirmed sick...

Then the family came, wishing me one by one. Even my cousin's girlfriend who does not talk to anyone came up to wish me. and they passed me my presents. This year i have only 3 material presents. ( i did not expect anything though , now i am on cloud nine ) wait i have 4, the most important one to me, the one Don pass me. haha

We had a great dinner, had great conversations, and got to catch up with everybody. Boy did i miss them. then it was time for the birthday cake that the restaurant kept as a surprise. A medium sized brownie cake. FUUUUUUUU!

then when my family sang the birthday chorus, they noted to me the foreign couple that clapped for me too. I had to return formalities, i brought 2 cakes over for each of them, and the female companion returned with a friendly 2 way kiss. AH THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME WITH A FOREIGNER!

then the restuarant invited a 3 stringed instrument band to perform for me, although they were in a rush, they extended their heart felt wishes. More than enough for me. And danced with the couple, who were Greeks, although i danced badly and was sick, i hope to put up a good face for singaporeans ( so patriotic ar me ) and then took pictures with them and said our good byes!

then I took a spin in my aunt's new car, the latest series of the Toyota vios. I know, its not that great, But it has a killer sound system in it. Rocking!

then we went to macs, had some snacks ( you know how is it to eat in a posh restaurant, you will never be full ). then it was time to say our good byes.

Under the effects of panadol, i was knocked out throughout the ride home. reached home rather late, but then went online to check emails and stuff. Then I managed to suprise someone whom i admired for the past one year. ( not infactuation admire, but just admire ). whoopie doo doo!

Then When I woke up, to discover i felt too sick to leave for church. Whoopie poo poo. man...

But all those smses that wished me "get well soon" and "Happy Birthday"s empowered me to get well soon. I never felt so much love in such a short period of time...

God I am sorry i missed service today. But I promise you that i do not take lightly the divine worship that is to worship and to glorify your name in watever i do. You blessed me with breath 20 years ago, I exalt you oh God.

God indeed deserves all exaltations, let us do so whenever it comes to our birthdays!

Okok, i gotta go rest now... sweating like a pig...


JA NE!

Moshi Moshi! Minna, Konbanwa!

Arigatou gozaimasu, hontou! kochi no kakkoi e omoshiroi rare christian ivan desu! rare no donoyouni? very the rare lah!

13/5/07

Mothers day, its the day that everybody remember the well earned efforts that our mothers put in to bring us into this world.

I am thankful for my mum, although she may be blur at times and often listens to everything i say, i will never take advantage of her and love her with all my might!

HONTOU DESU!

i dun wanna disappoint her as her child, so i will try my best to be the best son in the world k? bwahaha, but like you will ever read this entry mum, (i never told my mom about the blog though)

okok, this week was rather a mentally packed week for me, i was keeping myself mentally busy by constantly studying for around 15 hours a day. what i do, study in class, or while traveling, study flash, worship songs, or japanese. revise my keyboards, guitar... and trying to meditate upon God's word.

since monday, after you all sent your lovely replies, i was motivated to work hard, but i guess i did not work smart. friday, i got burnt out, did not attend a single class, reached school at 9, went straight to com lab, reading emails and studying my japanese...

then every night, i spend meaningless hours staring at the computer screen, playing games or chatting, to fill the emotional needs. sad, but it keeps me from thinking too much i guess.

sad, i have 3 friends who just broke up with their partners, and one struggling to keep one... its hard for i know, but i kinda feel sick to see relationships taken so lightly nowadays.

not many see the effort needed to maintain a relationship. it takes time, commitment, money and creativity to keep the flame going. its not just fulfilling each others emotional or physical needs. maybe the world's point of view about relationship is really that sad...

but i shant be bothered. i will try to comfort those who are going through the post breakup periods. and i think we should all to. Lets not judge them but tend to their needs first. nobody who went through commitment in their relationship wants a breakup, believe me.

On saturday, the last bs session i had with my group, i was filled with the knowledge and wisdom of the holy spirit. and i realised that i needed to do the following before that could happen.

- i came before God at the altar and grieved over the specifics sins that i have committed.
- i recognized God's wisdom and power
- I firmly stand by the gospel.
- i submit myself, subjected to allowing in the power of the Holy Spirit.
- I was in deep worship

and i realized that it takes alot of preparation just to make sure i could lead. but its not fully proven. i would clarify and see how this saturday will turn out.

The last session was a emotional one for me, at the end of the best session that i ever taught, i apologised for being such a terrible teacher and prayed for them.that they will be light of the world and salt of the earth

And I also realised the importance of pastoral care, by being a big brother to these people, i can show them the love that christ taught us. However that does not mean i have to be soft, I will show them appropriate actions for their own good.

I love the Youth i realised... they have become part of me. part of me wanna let go, part of me dun want to. Its a trap, and a stumbling block should God call me to serve elsewhere...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there is school... I am trying very hard to study for each class, but i think i just started engines, and only learning the true way of paying attention and making full advantage of each class. Partly cos none of my close classmates from the former class are with me now, i can pay attention. but then its lonely and people see me as a outcast at times, maybe because of my hair?

About my hair, its not that i dun wanna cut, or i think i look good in it, its just that i dunno wat to do with it... i wanna look good, not that i am vain or anything... ( or maybe just a little... fufufufu ) i just wanna look ok, and keep a style cool enough for gig

i am over packing myself again. Kairos may be over, but i signed up for vocals and went back for campus crusade and had committed to go for bible study with them and join their life meetings, or service. time management is very important now, i still trying to slot a time to visit the hairdresser... haiz. oh wells.

I wonder whether i am IT savvy? my internet keeps getting spoiled and there are always missing system files.. man... i wanna be proficient in my IT skills as well. I kinda realised the importance of IT skills? it helped me in my attachment and at home. Basic networking and applications like ppt, words, or excel is soooooo impt.

i see the need for alot of skills. IT, mechanical, music, lifeskills, homeskills. the list is endless. but i guess God blessed me with the joy of learning i guess. Thanks be to God. Although i may not be smart , and quite slow at studies, but i still enjoy what i like to do.

so my friends who are reading this blog. Many things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial. learn as many things while you still can, there's always the chance you will need it. and believe me, integrate it with you life and you will find the power in the knowledge. May God bless you and keep you in His Grace.

Amen.

Ja ne!

8 may 2007

Darn it guys, i did not expect so many people reading the last entry. When i wrote it, i did not have in mind people actually reading it, rather more like a personal entry. so embarassing. how to face you all now?

But i thank God, that you all shower your care and concerns through your replies. It assured me and have comforted me through the days since then.

I know i tend to keep things bottled up, my idea is that everybody has enough of their own problems, they do not need to bear mine as well. And here i thought i could be a hero by listening out other people's as well. I have learnt my lessons.

Sorry guys, i probably made you all concerned and worried for a while. I really do not expect this, and i do not want to make you all feel this way anymore. I will try to open up, but moderately ok? So that i wont sound so suicidal all the time. haha

Maybe i blog about how i was since i saw all those replies in the chat box? I wanted to make this entry before i make anyone else concerned last night. but reached home after keyboards, too tired to think. Rushed about 3 episodes of a jap drama, went to slp.

Last night was the first time i spoke to my keyboards lessons instructor, Daniel, about anything (although we already had 4-5 lessons...). Partly cos there is a old couple that came to learn and they really want to play well for their personal worship but they have no music background, so they passively were holding the rest of the class back. I just felt bad if i were to ask the instructor anything, cos that might demoralise the couple? I will feel rather guilty one...

But then last night, the couple could not make it, reducing the stress level and the class size to only 3 of us. Daniel was later commenting that he dun really have anything to teach us cos we learn rather fast (actually because i have a little keyboards background back in primary school, thats why) so he will just entertain any question. that was the best thing other than reading the replies of the chat box.

I asked moderately as much as i wanted, even of things unrelated or not covered in the course, and he entertained my every questions, even taking a little time after class to talk to me.

And this morning, although reaching class late again, i managed to pay attention for most of my lectures (except for the one where the lecturer is plain reading off the text) and talked to my classmates during the break, esp those not from my actual class! i made new friends, and could talk to them.

I learnt something, thats its important to have friends, and no matter how bad your times are, when they are around, and give you motivation, it will the strength that will drive you to persevere with whatever trouble you are going through.

DOUMO ARIGATO GOZAIMASU! thank you so very much for posting in the chat box! I never felt so assured to this level for a very long time now.

watashi wa daijoubu no desu! minna so yasashii, shitashimiyasui!

boku wa suki minna desu yo!

See you soon (got a campus crusade to attend to, haha)

Konbanwa! Ivan no bloggo BANZAI no desu! Dozo yoroshiku!

Doumo arigato gozaimasu, welcome back for another episode of the rare christian Ivan no desu! Yahoo!

Wagarimasen, ninhongo nani dai yo? (wats with the jap!) anata wagarimasuka?

Anata ninhonjin nai... hai hai. Singapore' jin desu. shikashi, bouku wa raiku ninhongo desu ne...

kay kay, enough with the jap. on with the real stuff...

Actually, i kinda feel lonely at times, sometimes in school, sometimes in church, esp sometimes at home. I seem to have lost my social skills or something, i dun really like talking to people as much as before. wonder why am i thinking like this...

and not to mentioned, i really got sick of the getting into a relationship idea already... sometimes i grow especially exhausting to face a couple, loving or not...

I am just so tired of answering to anybody... i feel so weak and adequate, i cant stand up for my own judgement, i am always looking for people to pity me, to love me. i get what i want, but yet not what i really need. I do not feel so loved nowadays, i guess everybody around me is too busy to do so. maybe thats why i am keeping myself busy as well. My only joy now is learning, its the only accomplishment i can satisfy myself with now... I should tap into this great brain that God gave me...

My mum, she has her own problems... cant believe how happy the family can be when my grandma is not around... it felt so wrong... everything seems so wrong when everything seems to be getting better... i just see no end to misery...

this is so demoralising. i only know how to make people sad, angry, disturbed... i do not know how to bring a smile to people's faces, except by being a idiot. I hate being a idiot. but i guess its hard to get by by not being a idiot sometimes...

i use to see my cousin's everyday back then... i was so much happier... but now i hardly see them... And now i really worry when people talk to me, its always about business, about their own problems, whatever. there's like no freedom. no liberation from this silence i rather face everyday. All i get a temporal delights that can fade in a sec. i can go out for a movie with a friend, smiling away. go home and face a grandma, who is deem to spoil your day no matter what. or a phone call from a nuisance girl. The only few people that is willing to care now is Don, but i dun wanna rely on him. i dun like it that i have to rely on him every time i am down. cos he never really let me know when he is, cos he got a girlfriend.

thats one antidote for loniness, get a partner.

I used to be like that. Then i think about it, its going to make me more lonely in the future. I hate to be lonely. DAMN IT!!!!!!!

i just cant help it. i just cant help it... how i wished i have a brother or a sister whom i can bully or talk to... or just a friend that i can stick to with till the end...

I dont want to be anything anymore, i dun feel like being a chairman of anything anymore, its more like a burden. its not like i am doing anything significant anyway, the youth might be better off then have a moody lonely chairman...

i pray that i will feel better soon. somehow i keep getting these mood swings easily.

Sayonara , oyasuminasai.

Jesus, aishiteru.