Moving on... Finally I have come to terms with some of the issues i have. Here is the damage report since the last entry:

- countless emo days
- confused about the future
- unable to study therefore i took a extended 2 weeks break after the 2 weeks holidays, therefore missing alot in school and failed plenty of tests
- Come to terms with a girl i like, now we are friends, dun plan to skip the friendship part, have to come to terms with issues like companionships and priority
- have a more stable desire of musicianship, was chionging like a blind bull for the past month, now at least more stable but still frustrated over which instrument to specialise in or whether to become a vocalist...
- finally got back the desire to help coordinate the church worship ministry, partly due to the fact that now wen xin is the worship coordinator.
- dropped my keyboards and now playing the guitar when can afford to.
- want to serve God more.

Thats what i have to report for the past month. I apologise to those who read my blog and got disappointed. I pray that you will forgive me.

I guess i was impatient and my heart was not really right about performing, however i am still excited to display my musicianship true worship, To Glorify the almighty father above and to bring the people closer to him.

I had a long talk with her today, and it ended peacefully. She indeed is mature enough to see the need to take things slowly, and that helped me to see many things. I guess i always wanted a taste of stardom, but what makes me think i got what it takes to hit the mainstream industry?

After the talk , I asked her for a quiet time by myself, and after she left i sang to myself. At first I sang about the frustration of loving.

" God, Is it that wrong to love?
Such a painful pleasure, Such worthless gain?"

Then I began to wonder why it hurts to love

" God, Could it be my own selfish desires,
That have tainted and destroyed love?
What I thought was joy at open waters
Have become death and decay. "

Then a thought came to me

" Why cant people love one another without gain?
Why cant people love each other like Jesus would?"

Then a contemplation came...

" I realized that one reason is that i do not realize
how much i mean to you...

I have devalued myself to an undesirable extend
I realized that i do not love myself
I do not love me for who I am "

" But you loved me no matter how much i sinned...
Jesus, you are right when you gave the second commandment
" love each other as you would love yourself "
Indeed such wisdom, yet it comes with such great price..."

" Love is patient, it is kind and never wanting.
love requires sacrifice and devotion.
Only you God teach such great things... "

" Does it matter whose denomination is more right?
What matters is that you are the Head and the Holy Spirit be our guide "

" Oh God, How great thou art.
You are worthy of all praise "

" I want to share your heart with everyone,
Everyone needs to know about your love and the message that you came to bring"

" Jesus, I want to help prepare
prepare for what man was doomed to go through "

" We will not be able to save many,
But I pray that through us, some may "

" People need to care about others,
and put their selfish selves one side "

" And when people come to love one another,
Then can they experience the love you came to bring "

" Help me to bring that message of love "

Thats it, I decided that i am going to start another band. this one only for the Glory of Christ and the members whom i know already have a heart to serve. However i am afraid to approach all of them as i am not that close to them.

I am afraid but God give me strength, I am not looking for a committed band now but one where we can enjoy playing together and bring the message that you died to bring.

Moshi Mosh Guys! I wanna try something new with this rickety no purpose site which sits amongst million of other sites that could be in the same state as this, to some use.

As a aspiring guitar player, I wanna share the world and discover the great world of music with you. Most of all, To share how God is in the big PICTURE!

I know its rather ridiculous, but i wanna play the guitar, I wanna rock a stage with a burning fretboard in my humble hands. Its something i really wanna do of late...

But I suck. I cant play properly. I hit chromatics the whole fretboard only at like 60 bpm... Thats slow. I cant shred, arpeggios, sweep, mode, scale... ar watever you name it, I probably cant play it.

Still a noob. But i wanna admit first of all that I am a noob. I am willing to learn and I personally feel that perseverance is the key to success (not that item you DOTA freaks!)

So here's a question for all of you to ponder.

" Whats music to you "

Okok, so those of you who are looking at this site now. Just leave a comment

gonna pound the guitar now. night

20/5/87

the day i was born

20/5/07

Current Situation : Now Lying in bed, recovering from a cold flu i recieved a day before...

Not your ideal birthday situation isnt it.

Sure i wished i was better, go to church and Worship God while getting greetings from the others, I dun feel a bit deprived a little bit.

Though I do feel however that i should not have missed service yesterday and today... my mum said that the message was impactful. But due to unforeseen circumstances and what seemed more important, being there for someone in times of need.

Sure, excuses. but hey, someone was better and I thank God for that.

But yesterday was one pleasant surprise after another. Started out at youth yesterday.

I did not expect anything maybe because i thought they celebrating birthday only in june... then when i saw Don announcing that its my birthday, I was like "ah, saboh..." Then when i turn back, I saw that big cake with my name on it. then i went "wha..." I was shocked, flabbergasted. Stacy then brought the cake to me... I was too happy to say anything already...

Then my mum and I were late for dinner. Uncle He Meng, drove us there although out of the way. to the mandarin hotel, pine courts. My aunt wanted a celebration there as a birthday gift to me. thank God we reached on time. By that time, i was already confirmed sick...

Then the family came, wishing me one by one. Even my cousin's girlfriend who does not talk to anyone came up to wish me. and they passed me my presents. This year i have only 3 material presents. ( i did not expect anything though , now i am on cloud nine ) wait i have 4, the most important one to me, the one Don pass me. haha

We had a great dinner, had great conversations, and got to catch up with everybody. Boy did i miss them. then it was time for the birthday cake that the restaurant kept as a surprise. A medium sized brownie cake. FUUUUUUUU!

then when my family sang the birthday chorus, they noted to me the foreign couple that clapped for me too. I had to return formalities, i brought 2 cakes over for each of them, and the female companion returned with a friendly 2 way kiss. AH THAT WAS MY FIRST TIME WITH A FOREIGNER!

then the restuarant invited a 3 stringed instrument band to perform for me, although they were in a rush, they extended their heart felt wishes. More than enough for me. And danced with the couple, who were Greeks, although i danced badly and was sick, i hope to put up a good face for singaporeans ( so patriotic ar me ) and then took pictures with them and said our good byes!

then I took a spin in my aunt's new car, the latest series of the Toyota vios. I know, its not that great, But it has a killer sound system in it. Rocking!

then we went to macs, had some snacks ( you know how is it to eat in a posh restaurant, you will never be full ). then it was time to say our good byes.

Under the effects of panadol, i was knocked out throughout the ride home. reached home rather late, but then went online to check emails and stuff. Then I managed to suprise someone whom i admired for the past one year. ( not infactuation admire, but just admire ). whoopie doo doo!

Then When I woke up, to discover i felt too sick to leave for church. Whoopie poo poo. man...

But all those smses that wished me "get well soon" and "Happy Birthday"s empowered me to get well soon. I never felt so much love in such a short period of time...

God I am sorry i missed service today. But I promise you that i do not take lightly the divine worship that is to worship and to glorify your name in watever i do. You blessed me with breath 20 years ago, I exalt you oh God.

God indeed deserves all exaltations, let us do so whenever it comes to our birthdays!

Okok, i gotta go rest now... sweating like a pig...


JA NE!

Moshi Moshi! Minna, Konbanwa!

Arigatou gozaimasu, hontou! kochi no kakkoi e omoshiroi rare christian ivan desu! rare no donoyouni? very the rare lah!

13/5/07

Mothers day, its the day that everybody remember the well earned efforts that our mothers put in to bring us into this world.

I am thankful for my mum, although she may be blur at times and often listens to everything i say, i will never take advantage of her and love her with all my might!

HONTOU DESU!

i dun wanna disappoint her as her child, so i will try my best to be the best son in the world k? bwahaha, but like you will ever read this entry mum, (i never told my mom about the blog though)

okok, this week was rather a mentally packed week for me, i was keeping myself mentally busy by constantly studying for around 15 hours a day. what i do, study in class, or while traveling, study flash, worship songs, or japanese. revise my keyboards, guitar... and trying to meditate upon God's word.

since monday, after you all sent your lovely replies, i was motivated to work hard, but i guess i did not work smart. friday, i got burnt out, did not attend a single class, reached school at 9, went straight to com lab, reading emails and studying my japanese...

then every night, i spend meaningless hours staring at the computer screen, playing games or chatting, to fill the emotional needs. sad, but it keeps me from thinking too much i guess.

sad, i have 3 friends who just broke up with their partners, and one struggling to keep one... its hard for i know, but i kinda feel sick to see relationships taken so lightly nowadays.

not many see the effort needed to maintain a relationship. it takes time, commitment, money and creativity to keep the flame going. its not just fulfilling each others emotional or physical needs. maybe the world's point of view about relationship is really that sad...

but i shant be bothered. i will try to comfort those who are going through the post breakup periods. and i think we should all to. Lets not judge them but tend to their needs first. nobody who went through commitment in their relationship wants a breakup, believe me.

On saturday, the last bs session i had with my group, i was filled with the knowledge and wisdom of the holy spirit. and i realised that i needed to do the following before that could happen.

- i came before God at the altar and grieved over the specifics sins that i have committed.
- i recognized God's wisdom and power
- I firmly stand by the gospel.
- i submit myself, subjected to allowing in the power of the Holy Spirit.
- I was in deep worship

and i realized that it takes alot of preparation just to make sure i could lead. but its not fully proven. i would clarify and see how this saturday will turn out.

The last session was a emotional one for me, at the end of the best session that i ever taught, i apologised for being such a terrible teacher and prayed for them.that they will be light of the world and salt of the earth

And I also realised the importance of pastoral care, by being a big brother to these people, i can show them the love that christ taught us. However that does not mean i have to be soft, I will show them appropriate actions for their own good.

I love the Youth i realised... they have become part of me. part of me wanna let go, part of me dun want to. Its a trap, and a stumbling block should God call me to serve elsewhere...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there is school... I am trying very hard to study for each class, but i think i just started engines, and only learning the true way of paying attention and making full advantage of each class. Partly cos none of my close classmates from the former class are with me now, i can pay attention. but then its lonely and people see me as a outcast at times, maybe because of my hair?

About my hair, its not that i dun wanna cut, or i think i look good in it, its just that i dunno wat to do with it... i wanna look good, not that i am vain or anything... ( or maybe just a little... fufufufu ) i just wanna look ok, and keep a style cool enough for gig

i am over packing myself again. Kairos may be over, but i signed up for vocals and went back for campus crusade and had committed to go for bible study with them and join their life meetings, or service. time management is very important now, i still trying to slot a time to visit the hairdresser... haiz. oh wells.

I wonder whether i am IT savvy? my internet keeps getting spoiled and there are always missing system files.. man... i wanna be proficient in my IT skills as well. I kinda realised the importance of IT skills? it helped me in my attachment and at home. Basic networking and applications like ppt, words, or excel is soooooo impt.

i see the need for alot of skills. IT, mechanical, music, lifeskills, homeskills. the list is endless. but i guess God blessed me with the joy of learning i guess. Thanks be to God. Although i may not be smart , and quite slow at studies, but i still enjoy what i like to do.

so my friends who are reading this blog. Many things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial. learn as many things while you still can, there's always the chance you will need it. and believe me, integrate it with you life and you will find the power in the knowledge. May God bless you and keep you in His Grace.

Amen.

Ja ne!

8 may 2007

Darn it guys, i did not expect so many people reading the last entry. When i wrote it, i did not have in mind people actually reading it, rather more like a personal entry. so embarassing. how to face you all now?

But i thank God, that you all shower your care and concerns through your replies. It assured me and have comforted me through the days since then.

I know i tend to keep things bottled up, my idea is that everybody has enough of their own problems, they do not need to bear mine as well. And here i thought i could be a hero by listening out other people's as well. I have learnt my lessons.

Sorry guys, i probably made you all concerned and worried for a while. I really do not expect this, and i do not want to make you all feel this way anymore. I will try to open up, but moderately ok? So that i wont sound so suicidal all the time. haha

Maybe i blog about how i was since i saw all those replies in the chat box? I wanted to make this entry before i make anyone else concerned last night. but reached home after keyboards, too tired to think. Rushed about 3 episodes of a jap drama, went to slp.

Last night was the first time i spoke to my keyboards lessons instructor, Daniel, about anything (although we already had 4-5 lessons...). Partly cos there is a old couple that came to learn and they really want to play well for their personal worship but they have no music background, so they passively were holding the rest of the class back. I just felt bad if i were to ask the instructor anything, cos that might demoralise the couple? I will feel rather guilty one...

But then last night, the couple could not make it, reducing the stress level and the class size to only 3 of us. Daniel was later commenting that he dun really have anything to teach us cos we learn rather fast (actually because i have a little keyboards background back in primary school, thats why) so he will just entertain any question. that was the best thing other than reading the replies of the chat box.

I asked moderately as much as i wanted, even of things unrelated or not covered in the course, and he entertained my every questions, even taking a little time after class to talk to me.

And this morning, although reaching class late again, i managed to pay attention for most of my lectures (except for the one where the lecturer is plain reading off the text) and talked to my classmates during the break, esp those not from my actual class! i made new friends, and could talk to them.

I learnt something, thats its important to have friends, and no matter how bad your times are, when they are around, and give you motivation, it will the strength that will drive you to persevere with whatever trouble you are going through.

DOUMO ARIGATO GOZAIMASU! thank you so very much for posting in the chat box! I never felt so assured to this level for a very long time now.

watashi wa daijoubu no desu! minna so yasashii, shitashimiyasui!

boku wa suki minna desu yo!

See you soon (got a campus crusade to attend to, haha)